What is most important?

Are you a list person?

I am.

I love to get things done.

Just love ticking off a list at the end of the day and feeling like I've achieved my goals.

Most days though, my list is incomplete.

Some days I don't even start on my list.

I'm okay with that.

As School Chaplain, I can't really plan my day.

I know I will be in the classroom to teach my Maths classes,
but apart from that, my day is always a surprise.

People matter.

Relationships are important.

My priority is people over paperwork.

Always.

As a mum with little ones at home all day, the list was never ending, and so often the same.

Washing clothes.

Cleaning Dishes.

Preparing meals.

Dusting.

Packing up toys.

Bathing bodies.

Bed time rituals.

Over and over.

And over.

Yet the little ones were always the priority.

To help dress dolly.

To attend to the scraped knee.

To sort out the squabble over the toy cars.

To listen to the story.

To  ' ooh' and 'aah'  over their new crayon picture.

To cuddle.

To play.

To read.

To sit.

To be busy and productive and to enjoy each day.

And each precious little one.

Cheerfulness

Cheerfulness - contented,

in good spirits,

hopeful;

bright, pleasant;

willing, not reluctant.

 

 

"It is possible to train your child to be cheerful, pleasant and content, regardless of their natural personality type. Personality differences are very real, yes, but they don't excuse extended moods, contrariness, over reacting and whining.'

 

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 73)

Helpfulness

 

helpfulness - provide with means towards what is needed or sought;

be of service to.

 

  "One aspect of our parenting task is to teach our children to become progressively more independent and to enable them to eventually be able to competently manage all household tasks and personal affairs.

 

Menu planning, budgeting, ironing, washing, minor repairs, dusting, basic sewing skills, scrubbing, maintenance of appliances, nutrition, personal hygiene, baking and cooking are only a few!"

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 67)

Friendship

Friendship - characterisitc of showing, expressing or promptedby kindness;

on amicable terms with.

 

 

'As proactive and positive parents,

we can purposefully encourage and guide our children,

 to not only get along well with each other,

but to develop their relationship into one of being best friends."

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 57)

 

Patience

 

 

Patience - calm endurance of provocation;

 forbearance;

quiet and self-possessed waiting. 

 

 

"Patience may be defined for a toddlervas waiting with no talking, complaining or movement.

 

This changes the abstract concept of patience into concrete, achievable behaviours.

 

As with all training, you will instruct, supervise and demonstrate this virtue over many, many days.

 

Your voice needs to be happy and calm and you need to shower yuor child with praise."

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 99) 

KIndness

Kindness - gentle or benevolent nature;

friendly in one's conduct to;

affectionate.

 

 

"I greatly enjoy teaching kindness to my children, as it is very positive training and lots of fun. The look of pure delight on their faces when they know they have chosen to be kind is priceless. It is such a joy to hear them running in saying "Mummy, mummy I was kind to Katie when . . ." The pride they show in their right choice is gorgeous!"

 

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 45)

Speech

Speech - use atriculate utterance in ordinary voice;

make known one's opinion, the truth etc.

 

"It is very possible to teach a small child to manage the

volume,

content

and

quality

of his speech.

 

In this area, more so than many others,

the parental example is key."

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 32)

Obedience

 

Obedience - in accordance with;

submission to rule;

compliance to authority or command.

 

 

'As parents, we are an authority over our children.
We determine what and when they eat (nutrition); when and where they play (safety);

what sports they will initially pursue (physical);

and what they wear each day according to the weather (health).

 

We also decide what they play and learn (educational);

whom they mix with (social)

and we also determine what values and beliefs they will be taught (spiritual).

 

Establishing our parental authority also involves training our children to obey us.
Basically it will require abundant praise for compliance and a firm consequence for non-compliance. '

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 27)



Self-control

 

Self - a person's or thing's

 own individuality or essence;

composed of one's own

 personality, affairs, emotions,

behaviour and character.

 

Control - direct;

subject to guidance;

in proper order;

hold in check;

regulate, verify.

 

One of the most beautiful presents

you can give your toddler

is the virtue of self-control.

 

To gift your child with the ability to

manage their own emotions,

words, and

behaviour

is truly precious,

and

will benefit them throughout every facet of their life."

 

 

(Terrific toddlers 2, page 22)

Daily Life



Daily - on every day;

from day to day;

constantly.

 

Life - state of functional activity

and continual change

 peculiar to organised matter.    

 

 

"Our toddler is learning all day every day,

whether we plan for it or not,

and,

at times,

whether we want it to be happening or not.

 

Little eyes are always watching our behaviour,

little ears are always listening to our conversations

and

a little heart is being touched day by day."

 

(Terrific Toddlers 2, page 25)
          

Parental Model

                                           model - representation of proposed structure;
                                        person or thing proposed for display or imitation;
                                                                      give shape to;
                                                                         exemplify.

Our own words,
actions,
attitudes,
priorities,
choices
and
beliefs
are all being transferred daily to our child.

This sometimes occur directly through speech,
but more often
it is simply
through long-term daily observation.


taken from Terrific Toddlers 2, page 9.

Parenting Dry Patches

Feeling a little weary.

Feeling a little worn.

Feeling a little heavy.

Facing a tricky spot with a child.

Heart sore, yet peaceful.

We have come so far.

So far.

So, so far.

Yet the journey has not ended.

There are more edges of rock to wear down and a life purpose to shape.

I will rest awhile.

Then I'll look up,

I'll look ahead,

I'll look above.

Forward we will then together slowly journey.

Again.

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Gentle Parental Guidance

Your two year old is gorgeous.

And very little.

They don't understand a whole lot yet.

They haven't lived very long.

They see the world through their two year old eyes.

Kindness says they need a little help.

A little direction.

A little advice.

As parents we can gently plan a day that provides safety.

Play.

Peace.

And one day, they too will be able to gently lead their own two year old.

Creative Encouragement

Teaching toddlers

to be

cheerful,

kind,

helpful,

patient,

obedient

and

tidy

is

possible.

Teaching through play is most effective.

It is fun, concrete and active.


* The bears can go on anadventure to the moon with cheerful faces.

* The trucks can be kind to Bob the Builder by taking away the wood and rubbish.

* The dolls can be kind as they invite all the dolls to the tea party in the secret garden.

* The playdoh snails can be helpful as they find and share snail food for lunch.

* The cars can show patience as they wait for their turn to park at the circus.

* The big boy block can obey daddy block with a big smile on their outback adventure trip.

* The pipe-cleaner people can tidy up the mess after the under the sea excursion.


Use your imagination and creat stories in all sorts of wonderful worlds.



Smile, laugh and enjoy the moment.

Heart Issues - Sibling Arguments

Dulcie was arguing with her sister - again.

Every time mum entered the room Dulcie created an argument or conflict.

As mum would come over and sort it out, Dulcie would smile, quickly apologise, and play nicely again.

Mum wondered if Dulcie was simply craving attention. So before Dulcie played with her sister each afternoon, mum spent 10 minutes reading with her. It worked!


Donald played happily by himself but could not play nicely with his brother. No matter how many toys were out, Donald always wanted what his brother had.

Dad saw the root of selfishness in Donald's heart. So he had Donald chose his box of toys before the playtime started. His brother chose his own box. They played happily side by side.

Dad also spent time with Donald as his helper, serving the family by keeping the backyard tidy and the cars clean and running smoothly. As they worked, Dad spoke a bit about thinking of others first. Slowly Donald's heart began to change.


Dudley tried so hard to play nicely with his sister. They would take turns with the toys but he just didn't know how to fix some issues.

His parents realised that they hadn't spent the time with him showing how to work through conflict. So they role played a bit, and jumped in just when a situation was beginning, guiding the siblings as they talked it out. Over the next few months Dudley acquired the skills he needed to resolve issues.



So hopefully this little series has helped you see that knowing the root of the issue can help you reach the heart of the child. The problem can have a number of different causes. Parenting the heart takes much longer than just dealing with the behaviour, but the fruit is lasting.

Heart Issues - Independent Play Struggles

Dina lasted about 3 minutes in room play each morning. Then she would wander out with a question, a plea for help or an offer of a hug. She wanted attention all the time.

To extend Dina's ability to be content and play independently her mum continued play time each morning for 10 - 15 minutes. Music would play and when a certain song would begin, mum would return for the pack up of the toys.

With calm consistency Dina gradually built up to a 30 - 40 minute room play each day.



Dominic strongly disliked room play. His issue was control. He wanted to choose each part of each day. He expressed his opinion in a very open manner.

His parents gently showed their authority. A chart was drawn up with pictures showing the activities that formed the pattern of the day. The chart dictated what came next in the day.

As Dominic saw that his parents, and not himself, were responsible for the decisions of the day, the battle over room play minimised greatly.



Dolly seemed lost in room play. She was happy to sit there, but didn't seem to engage with her toys much at all.

So mum sat with her for the first few minutes of room play and would start a puzzle, or commence building a castle or set out a tea party for the doll. This gave Dolly ideas of how to play with her toys.

In one-to-one time each day mum chose a variety of toys to play with and so modelled to Dolly new ways to use her toys.

Dolly began to look forward to room play.

Heart Issues - Anger Outbursts

Dora exploded again.

Mum asked her to share her 128-crayon set with her sister.

Dora wanted all of everything for herself, always.

To combat this selfish tendency, mum and Dora had a mission month.

Almost everyday they sought out an opportunity to give to someone else.

A cake for the neighbour.

A muffin to share with a friend at school.

Babysitting a younger one after school for an hour or too.

Pulling the weeds in the front garden as a surprise for Dad.

Creating a card to send to a teacher who was unwell.

As mum and Dora looked to give and serve,, Dora started to focus more on others than herself, and slowly was more willing to share and give. She was much happier.



Darindah was so frustrated.

Her younger sibling got away with so much, and it just wasn't fair. He was always allowed into her room to play with her special treasures. She never had uninterrupted time on her own.

A friend pointed this out to Darindah's mum. It md sense to her, so changes were made.

Darindah had the freedom to close her bedroom door and her brother had to ask to enter. She had an hour each afternoon, just before dinner to play on her own while her brother had his room play.

Darindah's outbursts of seeking justice diminished noticeably.



David seem to get really angry over such little things.

Sometimes he couldn't even say what he was angry about.

His parents  had tried every punishment they could think of. He was still having numerous angry outbursts each day.

Looking over his day they realised that David was spending a lot of each day paying on his own, choosing his own activities and having a lot of 'aimless' time.

So they had a simple pattern of different play times - outside play, table play, DVD time, LEGO play, reading time, drawing time, etc - to form his day. They included two special paly with mummy times and one special night time daddy play as well as the family time straight after dinner.

The angry outbursts that were cries for focused attention vanished over night.

David felt loved and secure.

Heart issues - the 'go-slow' child

 

 

Danae defined slow.

 

She ate slow.

 

She dressed slow.

 

She moved slow.

 

She talked slow.

 

When she had an audience.

 

If she was alone she could eat, dress, move and talk fast.

 

Her parents looked at her daily pattern, and realised Danae was spending all her time with other people. She loved social interactions and soaked up attention. She was seeing herself as the centre of the family.

 

So a few independent play times were established into the day. These included a room play, a DVD time, a table activity and a short outside solo play. This still left many hours for interaction with her siblings and parents.

 

The attention seeking 'go-slow' behaviour melted away.

 

 

Declan was the day dreamer in the family. He had every intention of getting ready for school on time, yet something always grabbed his attention and halted his progress.

 

Mum had been a dreamer-child too, so she had great compassion for her creative son. She popped up some pictures of his tasks on the fridge and played some one of his favourite music CD's. Declan had to race the music to move his task cards from one end of the fridge door to the other. They kept a record of his times on the fridge too and rejoiced with him when he scored a new best.

 

Declan still has a relaxed afternoon time for play and dreaming, but he also enjoys the calm of being ready for school on time now too.

 

 

Denise was quietly stubborn. She would give a polite "sure, mum!" to a request to pack up her toys, but it would be done in a maddening slow manner. Or half picked up with some toys deliberately placed in the wrong tubs.

 

Her parents wisely saw this 'go-slow' tactic as deliberate disobedience. Denise knew how to pack up properly and quickly but she was expressing her disapproval over having to do this task. After breakfast the next day, mum explained what the consequence would be if the toys were not packed up before the timer sounded. Mum asked Denise to verbally give her the reason why it was important to obey and why it was important to be tidy.

 

It took a few weeks, (remember she was stubborn!), and a number of consistent but calm consequences being given, but Denise is now characterised by a timely pack up. Her parents, and Denise, are much happier.

 

 

 



Heart issues - Stealing

 

 

So Daniel was stealing.

 

Just little things.

 

A few extra cookies from the pantry when no one else was in the kitchen. A small match box toy from a friends house. A small chocolate bar was slipped into his pocket during a visit to the supermarket.

 

As his parents spoke with him after each incident, thy sensed Daniel was enjoying having both parents intensely engaging with him. He didn't enjoy the consequence they imposed (doing chores to pay back the value plus more of the goods that were taken) but he seemed to be basking in the process.

 

So his parents decided to ensure Daniel had quality time with one of them each day. This was just for 10 - 15 minutes each day, with special family time each week.

 

The stealing ceased.

 

 

Deborah was stealing too.

 

Her parents talked through the reasons why stealing was wrong, and had her write apology notes to those she stole from to go with the replacement items. They were calm and consistent. They noticed however that she was generally grumpy and irritable.

 

As they talked this through with Deborah, they discovered that she was always unhappy with what was happening to her. She was unsettled and always wishing she was somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else!

 

So her parents started a thankfulness journal with her. As she wrote down 5 things to be grateful for in each day, she began to see the showers of blessings rained on her each day by our good and great God. As she grew in thankfulness to God, her heart settled into contentment.

 

There were no more stealing incidents.

 

Douglas quite openly stated that he took thing because he wanted them. He was envious of the gadgets his friends owned, and wanted them for himself. Consequences seemed to be effective for only a few weeks.

 

His parents observed a pattern of selfishness in Doug's day. He always wanted to be first, to have the biggest piece and to be the best at everything.

 

So his parents implemented a daily plan of serving others. Douglas was given extra chores each day, times with siblings where they chose the activity, and was provided with opportunities where others went first, got the biggest piece and had the chance to be the best.

 

They also talked through the value God has placed in each person, as an image bearer of Himself. As they explored the Bible and came to know the God who created and loved each person, Douglas came to realise that his responsibility was to honour and love and serve others, not to seek his own gain through them. With God's help, his heart, and then his actions were changed.

 

 

Reaching the Heart of the Issue

So when we are faced with a 'challenging moment' in our parenting, we need to stop and think.

If we just react to the surface problem we can miss the root of the issue and so will find ourselves in a cycle of futility that will not reap any changes.

So how do we get to the heart of the issue?

First, we need to look at the basics of obedience and self-control. Have we been consistent with our instructions and consequences? Have we been training the positive virtues in times of non-conflict? Is the child in charge of the day or is our gentle authority evident?

Here are a few examples of what the heart issue may be for various scenarios. These may be a result of disobedience and a lack of self-control and/or something deeper:

* Stealing - attention seeking
           - discontent
           - envy

* "go-slow" - attention seeking
            - day dreaming
            - passive aggressive behaviour

* anger outbursts - selfishness
                  - justice
                  - attention seeking

* independent play struggles - attention seeking
                             - selfishness
                             - lack of self-play adeptness practice

* sibling arguments - attention seeking
                    - selfishness
                    - lack of conflict resolution skills

So, my consequennce for each issue will vary depending on the specific heart issue.

This takes thought and effort yet yields good fruit.

The Hands That Held

The Hands that Held

 

The hands that held me,

Those that led,

Gently, tightly and so secure.

Keeping me safe,

Then guiding me on,

Then letting go.

 

Your hands that held me,

Those that led,

now they let me go,

gently, softly and feeling secure.

 

The words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Comforting, wise and trustworthy.

Keeping me loved,

Then showing me on,

Then keeping quiet.

 

Your words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Now are in my heart,

Comforting, wise and still trustworthy.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Brightly rightly and so of God.

Keeping me on the way,

Then holding me there,

Then stepping back.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Now is my chosen path,

Brightly, rightly and so of God.

 

Your hands held me,

Your words taught me,

Your path led me,

To God.

 

Now His hands, they hold me,

His words, they teach me,

His path, His alone, leads me.

 

And as I live in and with Him,

I am reminded of His love

And of you.

For His hands, words and path,

Remind me of yours.

 

Emily Ann Nightingale Hayde

 

Love

Love,
sometimes,
says 'yes'.

Love,
sometimes,
says 'no'.

Love,
sometimes,
says 'wait'.

Love,
sometimes,
will confront.

Love,
sometimes,
will yield.

Love,
sometimes,
will compromise.

Love,
sometimes,
hurts our heart.

Love,
sometimes,
fills our heart.

Love,
always,
is from the heart.

Parenting and Jogging - Completion

 

Well, I did it.

 

After 630 kms of training over 6 months, I finally raced.

 

In almost complete darkness at 6:30 am last Sunday I was on the starting line.

 

I completed my first-ever, and last-ever, ½ marathon.

 

The official time is yet to come but by my watch it was around 2 hours and 25 minutes.

 

My first goal was to simply complete the 21.1 kms course.

 

I did that.

 

My second goal was to run the entire way.

 

I did that.

 

(Although climbing the 400 metre hill at around the 13 kms mark was the most challenging section of the race!)

 

My third goal was to run the race in under 2 1/2 hours.

 

I did that.

 

My vague hope (or distant wish) was to beat Emily, my 18 year old daughter, to the finish line.

 

We had a 200 sprint to the finish line and I was ahead by one stride at the end.

 

Throughout the race I concentrating on what I was doing, not thinking ahead too much. It was only when the finish line was in sight that I started to think about actually finishing.

 

It is such a satisfying feeling to set a goal, work steadily towards it, and then to complete it.

 

I feel very sore and very happy.

 

Parenting and Jogging - Pure Enjoyment

 

Getting to the point where a 10 kms run is a pleasure is a joy.

 

The progression to running my first complete lap, then 2 laps, then 3 and gradually up to 8 laps involved a lot of effort.

 

To now comfortably run 4 laps and then to recover in only a few minutes is great fun. I look forward to and enjoy the challenge of the longer run on the weekend.

 

My runs are one of the highlights of my week.

 

I love being out in the cool of the day, enjoying the breeze, the sky and the trees.

 

I enjoy feeling my muscles work and simply love to run.

 

In my parenting, I now have two adult children.

 

I have spent hundreds of hours training their hearts and teaching virtues.

 

I have planted seeds of right and pulled weeds of wrong from their lives.

 

Now, I simply enjoy the young adults they are.

 

I enjoy their stories, their humour, their friends and their experiences.

 

I enjoy playing tennis with them, shopping together, eating out and supporting the Western Sydney Wanderers Soccer team together.

 

The season of reaping is a joy.

 

Parenting and Jogging - Challenges

 

 

 

From time to time I faced some challenges to my training program.

 

A rolled ankle in a basketball game meant I missed two sessions of jogging.

 

A couple of 46˚ Celsius days meant it was simply too hot to be outside let alone jog.

 

School camp for one week meant I was unable to have the time to run for those four days.

 

Occasionally it would be raining when I had scheduled a training run.

 

So how did I respond to the challenges?

 

For the rolled ankle and hot days I swam at an indoor pool instead.

 

During the camp I took a long fast walk along the beach instead of a run (I discovered I can’t run on soft sand – way too much effort for my muscles!)

 

When it was raining, I still ran – so lovely and refreshing.

 

The parenting journey has some challenging times too.

 

Some days are just one long challenge.

 

Expecting them can help a little. I didn’t expect a problem free day with my toddlers so I wasn’t surprised when I had issues to sort through.

 

Being as proactive as possible was helpful. Thinking through in advance what may happen when I took my toddlers to the shops today and how I would respond greatly improved my chances of responding more calmly to the situation.

 

Also thinking through challenges afterwards was beneficial. If the trip to a friend’s house for a play was a disaster, then I would try and identify where it all went wrong and have a new plan for the next visit.

 

Challenges are part of any journey.

 

Keeping eyes on the goal will ensure you keep moving forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting and Jogging - Along the Way

Well I expected to get a little fitter if I ran for 30 – 40 kms each week. I also expected that my muscles would tone up and that I would lose a few kilos. I had also expected that I would crave good food for fuel to run and that my appetite would increase as I ran more.

 

I’m enjoying these benefits and love having extra energy for each day and appreciate the overall sense of well being I now experience.

 

One benefit that I had not anticipated was the joy of having 1 or 2 hours of concentrated thinking time three times a week. In the busyness of a week filled with a family to care for, teaching, studying, basketball, tennis, church and ministry, alone time is very rare.

 

I use this ‘head space’ time to pray for my family, school, friends and church. I think through issues and process responses to challenges in my week. This time for meditating, contemplating, quietening my soul has been an unexpected gift.

 

I cherish this time of peace in my heart.

 

So how does this relate to the parenting journey?

 

I had a few expectations in the beginning. I knew there would be lots of feeds, nappies, naps and messes in those early years. I also knew there would be precious moments of laughter, hugs, smiles and memory makers.

 

I had not anticipated the depth of the challenges to myself. My emotions have been stretched beyond what I imagined – from times of great despair in all-night prayer vigils for a wayward choice to the heights of overwhelming gratitude for a wonderful achievement.

 

I am a different person due to the adventure of parenting.

 

I’m glad.

 

 

Parenting and Jogging - Progress

 

So about three months into my training, it all suddenly got easier. The pains in my legs dulled, my breathing become regular and easy and my recovery time was dramatically shortened.

 

My muscles firmed a little and my feet were now comfortable in proper running shoes and no longer ached afterwards. My times were gradually (very gradually) decreasing. I was meeting my goals to increase the kilometres ran each month and I was feeling strong.

 

This progress was incredibly motivating. I started to look forward to each run, and felt a little sad on the rest days as I was keen to have another chance to stretch the run and improve my times.

 

I was experiencing the tangible results of all the hard work.

 

It was finally fun!

 

Parenting is similar. In those early years there is so much hard work to do. Laying the foundation of self-control and obedience is the focus of those very long days. Each day seems very similar to the one before, and there are many tears and heartaches along the way.

 

Gradually however, buds of fruit emerge. Room play is no longer the huge battle it was. Outside play is calm and pleasant, bath time is without tears and bed time eases gently into sleep.

 

You reap what you have sown.

 

You reap slowly, bit by bit.

 

You reap in the next season.

 

It takes time.

 

Enjoy the fruit.