Heart issues - the 'go-slow' child

 

 

Danae defined slow.

 

She ate slow.

 

She dressed slow.

 

She moved slow.

 

She talked slow.

 

When she had an audience.

 

If she was alone she could eat, dress, move and talk fast.

 

Her parents looked at her daily pattern, and realised Danae was spending all her time with other people. She loved social interactions and soaked up attention. She was seeing herself as the centre of the family.

 

So a few independent play times were established into the day. These included a room play, a DVD time, a table activity and a short outside solo play. This still left many hours for interaction with her siblings and parents.

 

The attention seeking 'go-slow' behaviour melted away.

 

 

Declan was the day dreamer in the family. He had every intention of getting ready for school on time, yet something always grabbed his attention and halted his progress.

 

Mum had been a dreamer-child too, so she had great compassion for her creative son. She popped up some pictures of his tasks on the fridge and played some one of his favourite music CD's. Declan had to race the music to move his task cards from one end of the fridge door to the other. They kept a record of his times on the fridge too and rejoiced with him when he scored a new best.

 

Declan still has a relaxed afternoon time for play and dreaming, but he also enjoys the calm of being ready for school on time now too.

 

 

Denise was quietly stubborn. She would give a polite "sure, mum!" to a request to pack up her toys, but it would be done in a maddening slow manner. Or half picked up with some toys deliberately placed in the wrong tubs.

 

Her parents wisely saw this 'go-slow' tactic as deliberate disobedience. Denise knew how to pack up properly and quickly but she was expressing her disapproval over having to do this task. After breakfast the next day, mum explained what the consequence would be if the toys were not packed up before the timer sounded. Mum asked Denise to verbally give her the reason why it was important to obey and why it was important to be tidy.

 

It took a few weeks, (remember she was stubborn!), and a number of consistent but calm consequences being given, but Denise is now characterised by a timely pack up. Her parents, and Denise, are much happier.

 

 

 



Heart issues - Stealing

 

 

So Daniel was stealing.

 

Just little things.

 

A few extra cookies from the pantry when no one else was in the kitchen. A small match box toy from a friends house. A small chocolate bar was slipped into his pocket during a visit to the supermarket.

 

As his parents spoke with him after each incident, thy sensed Daniel was enjoying having both parents intensely engaging with him. He didn't enjoy the consequence they imposed (doing chores to pay back the value plus more of the goods that were taken) but he seemed to be basking in the process.

 

So his parents decided to ensure Daniel had quality time with one of them each day. This was just for 10 - 15 minutes each day, with special family time each week.

 

The stealing ceased.

 

 

Deborah was stealing too.

 

Her parents talked through the reasons why stealing was wrong, and had her write apology notes to those she stole from to go with the replacement items. They were calm and consistent. They noticed however that she was generally grumpy and irritable.

 

As they talked this through with Deborah, they discovered that she was always unhappy with what was happening to her. She was unsettled and always wishing she was somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else!

 

So her parents started a thankfulness journal with her. As she wrote down 5 things to be grateful for in each day, she began to see the showers of blessings rained on her each day by our good and great God. As she grew in thankfulness to God, her heart settled into contentment.

 

There were no more stealing incidents.

 

Douglas quite openly stated that he took thing because he wanted them. He was envious of the gadgets his friends owned, and wanted them for himself. Consequences seemed to be effective for only a few weeks.

 

His parents observed a pattern of selfishness in Doug's day. He always wanted to be first, to have the biggest piece and to be the best at everything.

 

So his parents implemented a daily plan of serving others. Douglas was given extra chores each day, times with siblings where they chose the activity, and was provided with opportunities where others went first, got the biggest piece and had the chance to be the best.

 

They also talked through the value God has placed in each person, as an image bearer of Himself. As they explored the Bible and came to know the God who created and loved each person, Douglas came to realise that his responsibility was to honour and love and serve others, not to seek his own gain through them. With God's help, his heart, and then his actions were changed.

 

 

Reaching the Heart of the Issue

So when we are faced with a 'challenging moment' in our parenting, we need to stop and think.

If we just react to the surface problem we can miss the root of the issue and so will find ourselves in a cycle of futility that will not reap any changes.

So how do we get to the heart of the issue?

First, we need to look at the basics of obedience and self-control. Have we been consistent with our instructions and consequences? Have we been training the positive virtues in times of non-conflict? Is the child in charge of the day or is our gentle authority evident?

Here are a few examples of what the heart issue may be for various scenarios. These may be a result of disobedience and a lack of self-control and/or something deeper:

* Stealing - attention seeking
           - discontent
           - envy

* "go-slow" - attention seeking
            - day dreaming
            - passive aggressive behaviour

* anger outbursts - selfishness
                  - justice
                  - attention seeking

* independent play struggles - attention seeking
                             - selfishness
                             - lack of self-play adeptness practice

* sibling arguments - attention seeking
                    - selfishness
                    - lack of conflict resolution skills

So, my consequennce for each issue will vary depending on the specific heart issue.

This takes thought and effort yet yields good fruit.

The Hands That Held

The Hands that Held

 

The hands that held me,

Those that led,

Gently, tightly and so secure.

Keeping me safe,

Then guiding me on,

Then letting go.

 

Your hands that held me,

Those that led,

now they let me go,

gently, softly and feeling secure.

 

The words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Comforting, wise and trustworthy.

Keeping me loved,

Then showing me on,

Then keeping quiet.

 

Your words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Now are in my heart,

Comforting, wise and still trustworthy.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Brightly rightly and so of God.

Keeping me on the way,

Then holding me there,

Then stepping back.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Now is my chosen path,

Brightly, rightly and so of God.

 

Your hands held me,

Your words taught me,

Your path led me,

To God.

 

Now His hands, they hold me,

His words, they teach me,

His path, His alone, leads me.

 

And as I live in and with Him,

I am reminded of His love

And of you.

For His hands, words and path,

Remind me of yours.

 

Emily Ann Nightingale Hayde

 

Love

Love,
sometimes,
says 'yes'.

Love,
sometimes,
says 'no'.

Love,
sometimes,
says 'wait'.

Love,
sometimes,
will confront.

Love,
sometimes,
will yield.

Love,
sometimes,
will compromise.

Love,
sometimes,
hurts our heart.

Love,
sometimes,
fills our heart.

Love,
always,
is from the heart.

Parenting and Jogging - Completion

 

Well, I did it.

 

After 630 kms of training over 6 months, I finally raced.

 

In almost complete darkness at 6:30 am last Sunday I was on the starting line.

 

I completed my first-ever, and last-ever, ½ marathon.

 

The official time is yet to come but by my watch it was around 2 hours and 25 minutes.

 

My first goal was to simply complete the 21.1 kms course.

 

I did that.

 

My second goal was to run the entire way.

 

I did that.

 

(Although climbing the 400 metre hill at around the 13 kms mark was the most challenging section of the race!)

 

My third goal was to run the race in under 2 1/2 hours.

 

I did that.

 

My vague hope (or distant wish) was to beat Emily, my 18 year old daughter, to the finish line.

 

We had a 200 sprint to the finish line and I was ahead by one stride at the end.

 

Throughout the race I concentrating on what I was doing, not thinking ahead too much. It was only when the finish line was in sight that I started to think about actually finishing.

 

It is such a satisfying feeling to set a goal, work steadily towards it, and then to complete it.

 

I feel very sore and very happy.

 

Parenting and Jogging - Pure Enjoyment

 

Getting to the point where a 10 kms run is a pleasure is a joy.

 

The progression to running my first complete lap, then 2 laps, then 3 and gradually up to 8 laps involved a lot of effort.

 

To now comfortably run 4 laps and then to recover in only a few minutes is great fun. I look forward to and enjoy the challenge of the longer run on the weekend.

 

My runs are one of the highlights of my week.

 

I love being out in the cool of the day, enjoying the breeze, the sky and the trees.

 

I enjoy feeling my muscles work and simply love to run.

 

In my parenting, I now have two adult children.

 

I have spent hundreds of hours training their hearts and teaching virtues.

 

I have planted seeds of right and pulled weeds of wrong from their lives.

 

Now, I simply enjoy the young adults they are.

 

I enjoy their stories, their humour, their friends and their experiences.

 

I enjoy playing tennis with them, shopping together, eating out and supporting the Western Sydney Wanderers Soccer team together.

 

The season of reaping is a joy.