PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART SIX
I seem to spend all my time doing training, chores, baby-care. How can I include some fun in our day/week?
Plan it in! Maybe have one spot each day (even just 5 – 10 minutes) when everyone is well rested and well fed to have a game or play time. Plan a short family rumble or tickle play time before the bedtime ritual begins. Have a day a week that is non-structured for family outings, visitors and fun memory-making. Play with them each day by maybe joining them for the last 15 minutes of outside play or the first ten minutes of table activity time. Yes, there is always something to clean or fix or prepare or wash. We need to intentionally choose to enjoy each day of our parenting and calve out those few moments of extra enjoyment and pleasure.
How do we reconcile self-control gone wrong? i.e. if there’s been a series of parental outbursts in front of the children?
“If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting.” – Albert Einstein.
If you are not coping with your day, what can change? Is there a part of the day that needs improvement? Do you need to change some physical aspect of the house? Do you need to adjust outside commitments? Do you need daily or weekly time outs just for you? Do diet and health need focus? A change in practice will reap a change in outcome. Yes, we need to confess to the children and ask for forgiveness, but practical changes also need to be implemented.
How best can you train children’s heart when your husband doesn’t really see what you are trying to do as important (“just a child”).
It is certainly harder when your spouse is not on board at all, but not impossible.
You just do the best you can in the time that you have alone with them. Truly, you pray lots. Ultimately it your everyday model that speaks loudest to your children. They are watching and listening to everything you say and do. You cannot change what your spouse thinks, but you can model respect for him and be as united as you can in front of the children. Focus on all the positive virtue training you can do with every part of your day (suggestions in TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2) and put your thoughts and emotional energy into these activities.
At what age do you think that God’s grace can be understood in children?
I personally think that maybe from age 5 and up, at a very simple level. However, from my experience it is really in the teen years that they come to grasp the magnitude of His amazing grace. In the first five years of parenting, the over riding focus is on establishing self-control and obedience. The next six years or so are refining the heart attitudes and training through real life situations. From pre-teen to teens you are expanding their world view and basic theology to include concepts of grace, eternal consequences, the end times, the mega-narrative of the bible story etc. I too am still learning of the magnitude of the awesome attributes of God.
Have you any creative ways to incorporate teaching God’s grace along side self-
control?
For us, this is part of our teaching in these early teen years so mostly comes through conversation. If a scenario occurs at school, we can discuss the aspects of self-control and grace that were or were not shown in that instance. If they have made a good or bad choice in a situation themselves, we can incorporate these issues in our evaluation talk. As I deal with people issues in my ministry or work place I can highlight these areas in the way I relate the stories of the day and in my speaking of colleagues or the decision making of my authorities. Our toddlers need to learn self-control and a very clear sense of right and wrong, then they will appreciate grace.
What level of involvement of the Holy Spirit do you equate in your teaching i.e. do you tell your children to seek this gift along side your training?
Parenting is a wonderful, intensive, heart breaking work. Our job is simply to prepare the soil of their hearts for the Holy Spirit to do His work. We need to plant the seeds of good virtues, and pull the weeds of the negatives we see. My daily prayer is that my children will come to passionately know God, passionately love God and passionately desire to see others come to know and love Him too. Ultimately they can not display self-control and good choices by themselves, it is only with God’s help that they can live holy and disciplined lives that are pleasing to Him. From the middle years we turn our training to this in a more direct manner.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Five
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FIVE
My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?
Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.
Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?
For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.
My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?
Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.
How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?
After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.
I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?
Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.
My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?
Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.
My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?
Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.
Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?
For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.
My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?
Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.
How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?
After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.
I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?
Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.
My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?
Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Four
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FOUR
I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?
Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.
What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?
You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.
I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.
You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).
My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?
Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.
What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?
A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.
What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?
From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.
I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?
Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.
What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?
You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.
I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.
You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).
My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?
Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.
What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?
A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.
What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?
From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Three
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART THREE
I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?
Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.
How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?
Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.
Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?
There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.
I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?
Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!
My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.
Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.
How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?
Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.
I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?
Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.
How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?
Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.
Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?
There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.
I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?
Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!
My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.
Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.
How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?
Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Two
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART TWO
In group activities (e.g. kindermuzik) our 2 yr old refuses involvement, but enjoys going and shows interest while there, being choosey on what parts he will and will not participate in. Is this lack of discipline in our parenting, or his personality? What should we do?
Think through what you want your child to do before you go. Are you happy for him to mostly watch and gradually participate fully, or do you want to direct him to always participate fully ? Have you noticed a pattern? Does he prefer the individual or group parts? Noisy or quiet parts? Role play the expected behaviours with his bears or trucks each day. Keep this training time positive and short. Talk through the expected behaviour on the way to the event. Think through your consequences for non compliance. Will you remove him to another room, will he have to sit in his pram, or will you leave?
My daughter is very jealous of everyone’s attention taking me away. What do I do?
Plan her day to be balanced between time alone (independent play times such
as room time, outside play, reading time, DVD watching, or free play) and side by side time ( she is playing and you are doing your tasks in the same space ) and focus time (special one-to-one time where you give her your full attention and do a task together). This is the best framework to work on the jealousy. Also role play the expected behaviours when a visitor arrives. Give her a specific greeting and a specific task to move to after the greeting. Have a consistent consequence for interrupting such as isolation or loss of privilege. Be calm and consistent.
How do you deal with anger in a 2 ½ year old?
A flexible routine is the best framework for teaching basic self-control. Watch your child and deal with the little expressions of anger so they don’t explode into full tantrums. Can you notice a pattern? Calmly and consistently chastise then isolate for each outburst. Time your isolation AFTER the fussing has stopped. Start with 10 – 15 minutes each time, building up to 25 – 30 minutes for repeat offences. Role play the expected behaviour with her dolls and bears each day. Focus on using your everyday routine to teach the positive virtues of patience, obedience, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc to elevate the virtues you want in your child’s heart.
How do you explain to a 3 yr old that physically hurting their younger sibling won’t be tolerated. I have tried a number of consistent consequences to no avail.
I am assuming you have a flexible routine for each day that mostly keeps them apart except when you can supervise and model kind interactions. Also I assume you are teaching the practical ways to show love (5 love languages book by Gary Chapman). If you have been calm and consistent with no change, then it is time to increase the consequence. Double the chastisement and isolation time. Halve the direct interaction time e.g. two fifteen minute times together rather than two thirty minute times each day. Also double your positive teaching times. Keep persevering – your calm consistency is modeling that this is not acceptable in your home.
Having two at the same age, twin girls, the fighting is a problem and find that if one has one item the other wants it too! How can we control this severe resentment?
A fairly tight routine is the answer. Keeping them mostly apart each day means that their day is mostly positive. For example, having one outside, while you have the other for one-to-one time, then swap them over avoids the battles over outside toys. Or have them both sitting in a booster seat at either end of the table doing their own puzzle, or both having reading time on separate lounges, or one playing in the family room, and one in the bedroom then swapping over. Have two 30 minute times each day where you teach sharing (see TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 for a chapter on how to do this). Increase this as the sharing improves!
Self-control begins with the mum/parents. How do I exemplify this at home especially when the day runs awry with toddlers?
A flexible routine, that is unique to your home and your context, is the starting point. If the ‘twilight zone’ of the bath/dinner/bed routine always results in a parental meltdown, then make some adjustments. Are the children more settled with quiet play on their own just before dinner, or are they content with a quiet story DVD? Try something different for a week or two and see if it helps. Is it best to bath before or after dinner? Can the older ones be in bed quietly reading while you put the younger ones down? Try to evaluate the pressure points when you have a few moments alone, and adjust one part at a time.
In group activities (e.g. kindermuzik) our 2 yr old refuses involvement, but enjoys going and shows interest while there, being choosey on what parts he will and will not participate in. Is this lack of discipline in our parenting, or his personality? What should we do?
Think through what you want your child to do before you go. Are you happy for him to mostly watch and gradually participate fully, or do you want to direct him to always participate fully ? Have you noticed a pattern? Does he prefer the individual or group parts? Noisy or quiet parts? Role play the expected behaviours with his bears or trucks each day. Keep this training time positive and short. Talk through the expected behaviour on the way to the event. Think through your consequences for non compliance. Will you remove him to another room, will he have to sit in his pram, or will you leave?
My daughter is very jealous of everyone’s attention taking me away. What do I do?
Plan her day to be balanced between time alone (independent play times such
as room time, outside play, reading time, DVD watching, or free play) and side by side time ( she is playing and you are doing your tasks in the same space ) and focus time (special one-to-one time where you give her your full attention and do a task together). This is the best framework to work on the jealousy. Also role play the expected behaviours when a visitor arrives. Give her a specific greeting and a specific task to move to after the greeting. Have a consistent consequence for interrupting such as isolation or loss of privilege. Be calm and consistent.
How do you deal with anger in a 2 ½ year old?
A flexible routine is the best framework for teaching basic self-control. Watch your child and deal with the little expressions of anger so they don’t explode into full tantrums. Can you notice a pattern? Calmly and consistently chastise then isolate for each outburst. Time your isolation AFTER the fussing has stopped. Start with 10 – 15 minutes each time, building up to 25 – 30 minutes for repeat offences. Role play the expected behaviour with her dolls and bears each day. Focus on using your everyday routine to teach the positive virtues of patience, obedience, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc to elevate the virtues you want in your child’s heart.
How do you explain to a 3 yr old that physically hurting their younger sibling won’t be tolerated. I have tried a number of consistent consequences to no avail.
I am assuming you have a flexible routine for each day that mostly keeps them apart except when you can supervise and model kind interactions. Also I assume you are teaching the practical ways to show love (5 love languages book by Gary Chapman). If you have been calm and consistent with no change, then it is time to increase the consequence. Double the chastisement and isolation time. Halve the direct interaction time e.g. two fifteen minute times together rather than two thirty minute times each day. Also double your positive teaching times. Keep persevering – your calm consistency is modeling that this is not acceptable in your home.
Having two at the same age, twin girls, the fighting is a problem and find that if one has one item the other wants it too! How can we control this severe resentment?
A fairly tight routine is the answer. Keeping them mostly apart each day means that their day is mostly positive. For example, having one outside, while you have the other for one-to-one time, then swap them over avoids the battles over outside toys. Or have them both sitting in a booster seat at either end of the table doing their own puzzle, or both having reading time on separate lounges, or one playing in the family room, and one in the bedroom then swapping over. Have two 30 minute times each day where you teach sharing (see TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 for a chapter on how to do this). Increase this as the sharing improves!
Self-control begins with the mum/parents. How do I exemplify this at home especially when the day runs awry with toddlers?
A flexible routine, that is unique to your home and your context, is the starting point. If the ‘twilight zone’ of the bath/dinner/bed routine always results in a parental meltdown, then make some adjustments. Are the children more settled with quiet play on their own just before dinner, or are they content with a quiet story DVD? Try something different for a week or two and see if it helps. Is it best to bath before or after dinner? Can the older ones be in bed quietly reading while you put the younger ones down? Try to evaluate the pressure points when you have a few moments alone, and adjust one part at a time.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part One
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART ONE
2 Peter 1: 3-8
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For, if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
These were the questions that were asked during the meetings in Perth. If you would like to provide more details of your question, then I can give you a more personal answer.
What happens when the babies/toddlers are sick?
You cuddle them, give them extra attention and love them!
You will give extra grace to moaning and fussing as they are in pain or discomfort,
and not just whining to get their own way. You may well have a whole day on the
lounge with DVD’s, or the same toys all day, or with books, whatever keeps them calm and quiet. You can chose to gradually move back into your usual routine, or slowly build back up, depending on your personal preference. As someone once told me, when they are well enough to misbehave, they are well enough to have a consequence!
How do you deal with a 10 month old baby screaming, throwing small tantrums and doing things she knows is wrong?
Say “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice” (or similar, use the same phrase every time)
and isolate to a cot, porta-cot or playpen (totally out of sight of you).
Time your isolation (say 5 – 10 minutes) from AFTER the fussing has stopped.
When you reenter say “Good girl for having a happy face” (or similar, use the same phrase every time) and move on with your day.
Your calm consistency will reap change, prevent the tantrums from escalating to full-blown out of control performances and lay a great foundation for self-control in the toddler years!
What do I do about my 20 month old hitting or biting my 7 month old?
Firstly, plan your day so they are only together when you can closely supervise them. The rest of the day they can be together, but not physically able to reach other. Examples include both watching a dvd with the younger one securely in a highchair, having table time at opposite ends of the table, one in outside play, the other one-on-one time with mum, both playing in separate rooms at the same time.
When you do have them together, maybe twice a day for 20 – 30 minutes at first, teach them how to share, take turns, and touch each other nicely. This keeps the day mostly positive and is a great basis for their friendship.
What should a toddler’s day look like?
A sample schedule:
Breakfast
Room play
DVD time
Mummy time
Table time
Outside play
Lunch
Nap
DVD time
Outside play
Chores
Bath
Quiet free play or room play
Dinner
Family time
Bed ritual
Check out TERRIFIC TODDLERS for other ideas of WHAT
to put in along with the WHY of each activity.
What consequences do you use when toddlers come out of room time?
Firstly check that you have the best time of the day. Straight after breakfast seems to work well. Also ensure you have just a few toys (3 – 4 at most) that are reserved for room time. Music is also a great help, especially if room time always ends with the same song. A visual cue of the boundary, e.g. a cushion at the door can be helpful too. Start with small increments of time, say 5 or 10 minutes and praise lots for compliance. Having focus time just after room time is also helpful, as after a few days the toddler will realize that special mummy time comes soon. Gentle verbal encouragement and your calm consistency will reap fruit in a few weeks.
What do you think of occasional but regular daycare?
Being home with mum provides the best care for a child for loving and learning.
The joy of being with a child almost every day is so precious and a cherished memory. However this is not always feasible. A day or two with other children may be beneficial for an only child and may provide a needed break for mum, especially if she has other commitments, e.g. looking after an elderly parent or working. Also, a day or two a week in the year before attending school can help with that huge transition. Finding a centre that has a adult directed, structured day, and with a low carer-to-child ratio is best.
2 Peter 1: 3-8
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For, if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
These were the questions that were asked during the meetings in Perth. If you would like to provide more details of your question, then I can give you a more personal answer.
What happens when the babies/toddlers are sick?
You cuddle them, give them extra attention and love them!
You will give extra grace to moaning and fussing as they are in pain or discomfort,
and not just whining to get their own way. You may well have a whole day on the
lounge with DVD’s, or the same toys all day, or with books, whatever keeps them calm and quiet. You can chose to gradually move back into your usual routine, or slowly build back up, depending on your personal preference. As someone once told me, when they are well enough to misbehave, they are well enough to have a consequence!
How do you deal with a 10 month old baby screaming, throwing small tantrums and doing things she knows is wrong?
Say “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice” (or similar, use the same phrase every time)
and isolate to a cot, porta-cot or playpen (totally out of sight of you).
Time your isolation (say 5 – 10 minutes) from AFTER the fussing has stopped.
When you reenter say “Good girl for having a happy face” (or similar, use the same phrase every time) and move on with your day.
Your calm consistency will reap change, prevent the tantrums from escalating to full-blown out of control performances and lay a great foundation for self-control in the toddler years!
What do I do about my 20 month old hitting or biting my 7 month old?
Firstly, plan your day so they are only together when you can closely supervise them. The rest of the day they can be together, but not physically able to reach other. Examples include both watching a dvd with the younger one securely in a highchair, having table time at opposite ends of the table, one in outside play, the other one-on-one time with mum, both playing in separate rooms at the same time.
When you do have them together, maybe twice a day for 20 – 30 minutes at first, teach them how to share, take turns, and touch each other nicely. This keeps the day mostly positive and is a great basis for their friendship.
What should a toddler’s day look like?
A sample schedule:
Breakfast
Room play
DVD time
Mummy time
Table time
Outside play
Lunch
Nap
DVD time
Outside play
Chores
Bath
Quiet free play or room play
Dinner
Family time
Bed ritual
Check out TERRIFIC TODDLERS for other ideas of WHAT
to put in along with the WHY of each activity.
What consequences do you use when toddlers come out of room time?
Firstly check that you have the best time of the day. Straight after breakfast seems to work well. Also ensure you have just a few toys (3 – 4 at most) that are reserved for room time. Music is also a great help, especially if room time always ends with the same song. A visual cue of the boundary, e.g. a cushion at the door can be helpful too. Start with small increments of time, say 5 or 10 minutes and praise lots for compliance. Having focus time just after room time is also helpful, as after a few days the toddler will realize that special mummy time comes soon. Gentle verbal encouragement and your calm consistency will reap fruit in a few weeks.
What do you think of occasional but regular daycare?
Being home with mum provides the best care for a child for loving and learning.
The joy of being with a child almost every day is so precious and a cherished memory. However this is not always feasible. A day or two with other children may be beneficial for an only child and may provide a needed break for mum, especially if she has other commitments, e.g. looking after an elderly parent or working. Also, a day or two a week in the year before attending school can help with that huge transition. Finding a centre that has a adult directed, structured day, and with a low carer-to-child ratio is best.
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