PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART THREE
I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?
Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.
How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?
Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.
Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?
There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.
I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?
Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!
My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.
Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.
How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?
Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.
