PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART TWO
In group activities (e.g. kindermuzik) our 2 yr old refuses involvement, but enjoys going and shows interest while there, being choosey on what parts he will and will not participate in. Is this lack of discipline in our parenting, or his personality? What should we do?
Think through what you want your child to do before you go. Are you happy for him to mostly watch and gradually participate fully, or do you want to direct him to always participate fully ? Have you noticed a pattern? Does he prefer the individual or group parts? Noisy or quiet parts? Role play the expected behaviours with his bears or trucks each day. Keep this training time positive and short. Talk through the expected behaviour on the way to the event. Think through your consequences for non compliance. Will you remove him to another room, will he have to sit in his pram, or will you leave?
My daughter is very jealous of everyone’s attention taking me away. What do I do?
Plan her day to be balanced between time alone (independent play times such
as room time, outside play, reading time, DVD watching, or free play) and side by side time ( she is playing and you are doing your tasks in the same space ) and focus time (special one-to-one time where you give her your full attention and do a task together). This is the best framework to work on the jealousy. Also role play the expected behaviours when a visitor arrives. Give her a specific greeting and a specific task to move to after the greeting. Have a consistent consequence for interrupting such as isolation or loss of privilege. Be calm and consistent.
How do you deal with anger in a 2 ½ year old?
A flexible routine is the best framework for teaching basic self-control. Watch your child and deal with the little expressions of anger so they don’t explode into full tantrums. Can you notice a pattern? Calmly and consistently chastise then isolate for each outburst. Time your isolation AFTER the fussing has stopped. Start with 10 – 15 minutes each time, building up to 25 – 30 minutes for repeat offences. Role play the expected behaviour with her dolls and bears each day. Focus on using your everyday routine to teach the positive virtues of patience, obedience, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc to elevate the virtues you want in your child’s heart.
How do you explain to a 3 yr old that physically hurting their younger sibling won’t be tolerated. I have tried a number of consistent consequences to no avail.
I am assuming you have a flexible routine for each day that mostly keeps them apart except when you can supervise and model kind interactions. Also I assume you are teaching the practical ways to show love (5 love languages book by Gary Chapman). If you have been calm and consistent with no change, then it is time to increase the consequence. Double the chastisement and isolation time. Halve the direct interaction time e.g. two fifteen minute times together rather than two thirty minute times each day. Also double your positive teaching times. Keep persevering – your calm consistency is modeling that this is not acceptable in your home.
Having two at the same age, twin girls, the fighting is a problem and find that if one has one item the other wants it too! How can we control this severe resentment?
A fairly tight routine is the answer. Keeping them mostly apart each day means that their day is mostly positive. For example, having one outside, while you have the other for one-to-one time, then swap them over avoids the battles over outside toys. Or have them both sitting in a booster seat at either end of the table doing their own puzzle, or both having reading time on separate lounges, or one playing in the family room, and one in the bedroom then swapping over. Have two 30 minute times each day where you teach sharing (see TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 for a chapter on how to do this). Increase this as the sharing improves!
Self-control begins with the mum/parents. How do I exemplify this at home especially when the day runs awry with toddlers?
A flexible routine, that is unique to your home and your context, is the starting point. If the ‘twilight zone’ of the bath/dinner/bed routine always results in a parental meltdown, then make some adjustments. Are the children more settled with quiet play on their own just before dinner, or are they content with a quiet story DVD? Try something different for a week or two and see if it helps. Is it best to bath before or after dinner? Can the older ones be in bed quietly reading while you put the younger ones down? Try to evaluate the pressure points when you have a few moments alone, and adjust one part at a time.
