PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FIVE
My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?
Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.
Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?
For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.
My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?
Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.
How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?
After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.
I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?
Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.
My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?
Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.
