Three Trees

There were 3 trees on a hill in the woods,

discussing their hopes and dreams.

The one who wanted to be a treasure chest

ended up as a manger,

holding the greatest treasure of all time - baby Jesus.

The one who wanted to be a mighty ship

carrying kings and queens across the waters

ended up as a fishing boat,

carrying the King of Kings through a storm.

The third one wanted to grow to be the tallest tree

in the forest so people will remember him

as the greatest tree of all time reaching close to heaven.

He had Jesus crucified on top of a hill and was as close to God as possible.

The moral of the story is that

when things don't seem to be going your way,

always know that God has a plan for you.

Each of the trees got what they wanted,

just not in the way they imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us.

We just know that His ways are not our ways,

but His ways are always the best.

Adelaide GEMS - November 2009 - Part 2

What's a good punishment for a 9 yr old girl who is being disrespectful?



Life lesson book.

Buy a blank hard cover exercise book.

For each offence have your child write

- what was wrong

- why it was wrong

- what to do next time

-how to make it right.



Then have them make it right and give an additional consequence

from the list in the previous post for an 8 yr old.



What do you do when your tween starts telling lies?

React firmly.

It is the little foxes that destroy the vines. Don't let this habit grow.

Be wise too. if you know they have not yet brushed their teeth, don't ask if they have
done this. Simply instruct them to brush now.

Do you think it is important for siblings to have their own room and space?

Yes and no.

If you can manage for each to have their own room, then they will learn to be responsible for their own things and their own area. It can also provide a clear place for homework to be done, time out to be had and quiet to be enjoyed.

If you can't, they will still learn each of these things, you simply have to be a little more creative.
Certain personalities will need a little more solitude than others, and certain children will need a little more space than others too!

You hear a lot about birth order behaviours. Do you need to do things differently with each child?

Books on birth order characteristics are certainly very helpful. As is information on personality or temperaments, gender differences and learning challenges. Our heart goals for each of our children are similar (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control etc) yet there are many individual goals for each one too. The bible is the best guide book for parenting, remember that all others are secondary.

Can you give some ideas about how you stop materialism taking over the home?

Model your values.
Children will hear what you DO, rather than what you SAY.

Give away a piece of clothinge very time you get a new item.

Go to the park rather than the plaza.

Have relationship based social times (eg board game nights, pool parties, picnics),
rather than spending ones (movies, amusements, shopping).

Offer a chore for eaach "I'm bored".

Have a extra jobs list ready for when they do want to save up for something special.
Most of the asking disappears when they realise how many jobs it takes to earn a toy!

Limit birthday gifts to one small present from each family member.
Teach the joy of giving (through practice) and serving rather than receiving and getting.

What are appropriate consequences for a teen who flatly refuses to go to school?

I wouldn't be looking for punishments. I would be seeking to understand then address the issues behind this.

Are there issues with other students, the teachers, the work, a past or future event that needs focus?

Are there major social or relationship issues in the family or friendships that have changed or ceased?

Hopefully the teen has one adult they would feel safe to open up with and discuss this through with.

A younger teen obviously needs to be encouraged back to school, for an older teen it may be a sign that it is time to look for employment or other learning options.

How do you encourage teens to take responsibility for personal hygeine etc?

Your discussions need to be relationship based, rather than authoritarian, and based around the comfort of others (not having to smell their body odour, see their yelllow teeth etc).

Very calm, matter of fact, consistent consequences (with a touch of humour) are most effective for your teen.

How do I know God has chosen me to be the mum for my children? I fail so often.

We all fail. We all can't do it on our own.
We need God's wisdom.
we need the help and encouragement of other mums along the way.
Sometimes we need time out.

Seek to your best today, just for today.
To love, enjoy, play and smile with your children.
To focus on tomorrow, and tomorrows issues, tomorrow.

Adelaide GEMS - November 2009

Hello,

A month after my lovely (very warm!) weekend in Adelaide I have finally finished the school term. So now I can answer the questions asked during the night meeting there. Please note they are only general answers, please email with more details if you would like a more specific answer to your query.

I once emailed a reply to a toddler issue. The mum wrote back and said she had implemented 70% of what I had said. I was delighted! She had thought through her situation and applied the relevent principles to her own context. May you prayfully do the same.


Do you believe there are alternatives to spanking that work as well with children?
Absolutely!
Logical consequences that correspond to the behaviour are best. Elevating good and focusing on the positive are very effective. Isolation for under 2 yr olds is helpful, spanking for deliberate disobedience for a 2 - 5 yr old is appropriate, while older children receive more 'feeling' from related consequences.

My almost 20 month old snatched her bottle - is this the first sign of attitude?
Maybe.
It could be a move towards independence (wonderful!) or it could be a sign of impatience. Look for a pattern then determine how best to proceed.

My 20 month old says 'no' when asked to do something.
Minimise your asking.
Simply take the child to the bath, don't ask if they want a bath.
Use a firmer voice for direct instructions and have a calm and consistent consequence for every disobedience. Role pay 'yes mummy' games so the consequences for compliances or not are very clear.

How do you handle toddler tantrums while shopping?
Go home.
Have a very memorable consequence then.
Think through the time you are going shoppng (not too tired or too hungry,
too late, too long or simply too often).
Talk through the expected behaviours on the way to the shops, in a happy encouraging voice.

How do you help 5 - 8 years olds resolve their own conflicts?
Practice.
Model, practice, practice, encourage, practice, practice!
When they were calm we would have them come together and each give an explanation,
then a possible solution each then finally a compromise.
Many many months of modelling and talking through this process will finally result in siblings who can (eventually!) work out their own issues.

Do you have any tips for a toddler who lies?
Focus on honesty.
As you go through your every-day routine, talk about being true.
Speaking right.
Have stories focusing on honest words, have craft that is made of caterpillars (or wahatever!)
that speak words of truth.
Focus on the hearers feeling happy (for true words) or sad (for untrue words).

Appropriate consequences for an 8 yr old girl?
no T.V.
no friends over
no treat foods
no free paly time
no choices for clothes or books
early bed time
mum's shadow at home and while out
no music
no computer surfing
no social networking chatting
extra chores
needs to ask for everything
no DVD's
no shopping
no hobbies or activites
mum-strucutred morning and evening routine.

Eyes and Face

Is a toddler happy?

Look into his eyes.

Are they clear, direct, full of hope and joy?
Are they alight with wonder and peace?

Look at his little face.

Is he lost in the moment, concentrating on his new discovery?
Does he have a contented look as he waits and plays and obeys?

A happy toddler is a treasure.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 3

16. Don't ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologise to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm to you.

17. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get on without it, so please allow it some.

18. Don't do things for me I can do myself. It makes me feel like a baby.

19. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try it.

20. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love. But I don't need to tell you that - do I?


I'm not sure where this memo came from (do let me know if you do - then I can credit the author) and I don't totally agree with every sentiment. However there is lots of old fashion wisdom there.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 2

9. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I would like. This is why I am not always very accurate.

10. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

11. Don't take my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.

12. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

13. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are real.

14. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover you are neither.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 1

1. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I am only testing you.

2. Don't be afriad to be firm with me. I prefer it. it makes me feel more secure.

3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to direct them in the early stages.

4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. it only makes me behave badly.

5. Don't correct me in front of other people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

6. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

7. Don't try to preach to me. You'd be surprised how well I know what's right and wrong.

8. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

Reflection

Take time to be holy,

be calm in thy soul,

each thought and each motive beneath his control.

Thus led by His spirit,

to fountains of love,

Thousands shalt be fitted for service above.

To smack or not to smack . . .

The parental right to smack (or not) has again been in the news in regard
to the mother of a nine year old girl using a wooden spoon on her.

Administering a small slap on the hand for a danger situation (such as a hot oven)
or a calm, private chastisement for an act of deliberate disobedience in a 2 - 5 yr old
is very different to an angry slap across the face or an out of control beating in frustration.

Effective consequences for 5+ yr olds include loss of freedoms and privileges,
and logical tangible restitution. Physical punishment for this age group is ineffective
and inappropriate.

Positive and proactive parenting is more pleasant for the child and for the parent,
and is very effective too. Our precious children need our gentle authority.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids on the merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading light?

You better slow down, Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

D you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done do you lay in bed

With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

Ever told your child we'll do it all tomorrow?

And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time to call and say hi.

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and you hurry through your day

It is like an unopened gift . . . throw away.

Life is not a race. do take it slower

Hear the music before the song is over.

True Wisdom

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding.
For its profits is better than the profit of silver,
And its gain than fine gold.

She (wisdom) is more precious than jewels;
And nothing you desire compares with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
In her left hand are riches and honour.

Her ways are pleasant ways,
And all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who hold her,
And happy are all who hold her fast.

Proverbs 3:13-18

We give our precious little ones so much -
stuff, experiences, memories, traditions, hobbies -
yet the greatest thing we can give them is true wisdom.
Teaching, modelling, encouraging each and every new day.

More Clutter

Another theory on why we hoard 'stuff'':

"We're becoming more and more isolated in our communities and we try to fill that empty feeling with stuff.

Tonnes and tonees of stuff.

Sadly, we don't seem to be any happier when we have more stuff. in fact, we are more stressed, as we then have to pay for it and store it.

It's a ridiculous way to live."

(quoted from a recent Sunday magazine article - by Cottman, an expert member of the Australasian Association of professional Organisers AAPO)

More food for thought.

Clutter

I was reading an article on clutter.

I hate clutter, mess and untidiness.

This article mentioned that people buy a dream not a product.

So the kitchen filled with unopened cookbooks and kitchen appliances still in their boxes were bought with the dream of family meals filled with warmth and laughter.

The garage filled with exercise equipment and sports gear is buying the dream of the healthy outdoor lifestyle filled with friends, health and fun.

The wardrobe bulging with clothes is focused on the dream of clothing providing confidence, poularity and relationship success.

And so on.

It really helped me to view hoarders in a different light, and also to examine my motives for desiring a new purchase.

I'm not a big shopper - mostly because I always seem to frequently have embarrassing moments in shops! But I will be a more thoughtful shopper in future.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Six

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART SIX


I seem to spend all my time doing training, chores, baby-care. How can I include some fun in our day/week?

Plan it in! Maybe have one spot each day (even just 5 – 10 minutes) when everyone is well rested and well fed to have a game or play time. Plan a short family rumble or tickle play time before the bedtime ritual begins. Have a day a week that is non-structured for family outings, visitors and fun memory-making. Play with them each day by maybe joining them for the last 15 minutes of outside play or the first ten minutes of table activity time. Yes, there is always something to clean or fix or prepare or wash. We need to intentionally choose to enjoy each day of our parenting and calve out those few moments of extra enjoyment and pleasure.


How do we reconcile self-control gone wrong? i.e. if there’s been a series of parental outbursts in front of the children?

“If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting.” – Albert Einstein.
If you are not coping with your day, what can change? Is there a part of the day that needs improvement? Do you need to change some physical aspect of the house? Do you need to adjust outside commitments? Do you need daily or weekly time outs just for you? Do diet and health need focus? A change in practice will reap a change in outcome. Yes, we need to confess to the children and ask for forgiveness, but practical changes also need to be implemented.



How best can you train children’s heart when your husband doesn’t really see what you are trying to do as important (“just a child”).

It is certainly harder when your spouse is not on board at all, but not impossible.
You just do the best you can in the time that you have alone with them. Truly, you pray lots. Ultimately it your everyday model that speaks loudest to your children. They are watching and listening to everything you say and do. You cannot change what your spouse thinks, but you can model respect for him and be as united as you can in front of the children. Focus on all the positive virtue training you can do with every part of your day (suggestions in TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2) and put your thoughts and emotional energy into these activities.



At what age do you think that God’s grace can be understood in children?

I personally think that maybe from age 5 and up, at a very simple level. However, from my experience it is really in the teen years that they come to grasp the magnitude of His amazing grace. In the first five years of parenting, the over riding focus is on establishing self-control and obedience. The next six years or so are refining the heart attitudes and training through real life situations. From pre-teen to teens you are expanding their world view and basic theology to include concepts of grace, eternal consequences, the end times, the mega-narrative of the bible story etc. I too am still learning of the magnitude of the awesome attributes of God.



Have you any creative ways to incorporate teaching God’s grace along side self-
control?

For us, this is part of our teaching in these early teen years so mostly comes through conversation. If a scenario occurs at school, we can discuss the aspects of self-control and grace that were or were not shown in that instance. If they have made a good or bad choice in a situation themselves, we can incorporate these issues in our evaluation talk. As I deal with people issues in my ministry or work place I can highlight these areas in the way I relate the stories of the day and in my speaking of colleagues or the decision making of my authorities. Our toddlers need to learn self-control and a very clear sense of right and wrong, then they will appreciate grace.



What level of involvement of the Holy Spirit do you equate in your teaching i.e. do you tell your children to seek this gift along side your training?

Parenting is a wonderful, intensive, heart breaking work. Our job is simply to prepare the soil of their hearts for the Holy Spirit to do His work. We need to plant the seeds of good virtues, and pull the weeds of the negatives we see. My daily prayer is that my children will come to passionately know God, passionately love God and passionately desire to see others come to know and love Him too. Ultimately they can not display self-control and good choices by themselves, it is only with God’s help that they can live holy and disciplined lives that are pleasing to Him. From the middle years we turn our training to this in a more direct manner.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Five

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FIVE


My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?

Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.



Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?

For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.



My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?

Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.



How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?

After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.



I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?

Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.



My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?

Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Four

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FOUR



I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?

Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.



What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?

You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.








I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.

You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).



My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?

Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.



What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?


A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.


What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?

From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Three

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART THREE


I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?

Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.



How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?

Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.



Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?

There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.





I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?

Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!



My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.

Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.



How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?

Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Two

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART TWO


In group activities (e.g. kindermuzik) our 2 yr old refuses involvement, but enjoys going and shows interest while there, being choosey on what parts he will and will not participate in. Is this lack of discipline in our parenting, or his personality? What should we do?

Think through what you want your child to do before you go. Are you happy for him to mostly watch and gradually participate fully, or do you want to direct him to always participate fully ? Have you noticed a pattern? Does he prefer the individual or group parts? Noisy or quiet parts? Role play the expected behaviours with his bears or trucks each day. Keep this training time positive and short. Talk through the expected behaviour on the way to the event. Think through your consequences for non compliance. Will you remove him to another room, will he have to sit in his pram, or will you leave?



My daughter is very jealous of everyone’s attention taking me away. What do I do?

Plan her day to be balanced between time alone (independent play times such
as room time, outside play, reading time, DVD watching, or free play) and side by side time ( she is playing and you are doing your tasks in the same space ) and focus time (special one-to-one time where you give her your full attention and do a task together). This is the best framework to work on the jealousy. Also role play the expected behaviours when a visitor arrives. Give her a specific greeting and a specific task to move to after the greeting. Have a consistent consequence for interrupting such as isolation or loss of privilege. Be calm and consistent.




How do you deal with anger in a 2 ½ year old?

A flexible routine is the best framework for teaching basic self-control. Watch your child and deal with the little expressions of anger so they don’t explode into full tantrums. Can you notice a pattern? Calmly and consistently chastise then isolate for each outburst. Time your isolation AFTER the fussing has stopped. Start with 10 – 15 minutes each time, building up to 25 – 30 minutes for repeat offences. Role play the expected behaviour with her dolls and bears each day. Focus on using your everyday routine to teach the positive virtues of patience, obedience, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc to elevate the virtues you want in your child’s heart.




How do you explain to a 3 yr old that physically hurting their younger sibling won’t be tolerated. I have tried a number of consistent consequences to no avail.

I am assuming you have a flexible routine for each day that mostly keeps them apart except when you can supervise and model kind interactions. Also I assume you are teaching the practical ways to show love (5 love languages book by Gary Chapman). If you have been calm and consistent with no change, then it is time to increase the consequence. Double the chastisement and isolation time. Halve the direct interaction time e.g. two fifteen minute times together rather than two thirty minute times each day. Also double your positive teaching times. Keep persevering – your calm consistency is modeling that this is not acceptable in your home.



Having two at the same age, twin girls, the fighting is a problem and find that if one has one item the other wants it too! How can we control this severe resentment?

A fairly tight routine is the answer. Keeping them mostly apart each day means that their day is mostly positive. For example, having one outside, while you have the other for one-to-one time, then swap them over avoids the battles over outside toys. Or have them both sitting in a booster seat at either end of the table doing their own puzzle, or both having reading time on separate lounges, or one playing in the family room, and one in the bedroom then swapping over. Have two 30 minute times each day where you teach sharing (see TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 for a chapter on how to do this). Increase this as the sharing improves!



Self-control begins with the mum/parents. How do I exemplify this at home especially when the day runs awry with toddlers?

A flexible routine, that is unique to your home and your context, is the starting point. If the ‘twilight zone’ of the bath/dinner/bed routine always results in a parental meltdown, then make some adjustments. Are the children more settled with quiet play on their own just before dinner, or are they content with a quiet story DVD? Try something different for a week or two and see if it helps. Is it best to bath before or after dinner? Can the older ones be in bed quietly reading while you put the younger ones down? Try to evaluate the pressure points when you have a few moments alone, and adjust one part at a time.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part One

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART ONE



2 Peter 1: 3-8

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For, if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.



These were the questions that were asked during the meetings in Perth. If you would like to provide more details of your question, then I can give you a more personal answer.



What happens when the babies/toddlers are sick?

You cuddle them, give them extra attention and love them!
You will give extra grace to moaning and fussing as they are in pain or discomfort,
and not just whining to get their own way. You may well have a whole day on the
lounge with DVD’s, or the same toys all day, or with books, whatever keeps them calm and quiet. You can chose to gradually move back into your usual routine, or slowly build back up, depending on your personal preference. As someone once told me, when they are well enough to misbehave, they are well enough to have a consequence!



How do you deal with a 10 month old baby screaming, throwing small tantrums and doing things she knows is wrong?

Say “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice” (or similar, use the same phrase every time)
and isolate to a cot, porta-cot or playpen (totally out of sight of you).
Time your isolation (say 5 – 10 minutes) from AFTER the fussing has stopped.
When you reenter say “Good girl for having a happy face” (or similar, use the same phrase every time) and move on with your day.
Your calm consistency will reap change, prevent the tantrums from escalating to full-blown out of control performances and lay a great foundation for self-control in the toddler years!


What do I do about my 20 month old hitting or biting my 7 month old?

Firstly, plan your day so they are only together when you can closely supervise them. The rest of the day they can be together, but not physically able to reach other. Examples include both watching a dvd with the younger one securely in a highchair, having table time at opposite ends of the table, one in outside play, the other one-on-one time with mum, both playing in separate rooms at the same time.
When you do have them together, maybe twice a day for 20 – 30 minutes at first, teach them how to share, take turns, and touch each other nicely. This keeps the day mostly positive and is a great basis for their friendship.



What should a toddler’s day look like?

A sample schedule:

Breakfast
Room play
DVD time
Mummy time
Table time
Outside play
Lunch
Nap
DVD time
Outside play
Chores
Bath
Quiet free play or room play
Dinner
Family time
Bed ritual

Check out TERRIFIC TODDLERS for other ideas of WHAT
to put in along with the WHY of each activity.



What consequences do you use when toddlers come out of room time?

Firstly check that you have the best time of the day. Straight after breakfast seems to work well. Also ensure you have just a few toys (3 – 4 at most) that are reserved for room time. Music is also a great help, especially if room time always ends with the same song. A visual cue of the boundary, e.g. a cushion at the door can be helpful too. Start with small increments of time, say 5 or 10 minutes and praise lots for compliance. Having focus time just after room time is also helpful, as after a few days the toddler will realize that special mummy time comes soon. Gentle verbal encouragement and your calm consistency will reap fruit in a few weeks.


What do you think of occasional but regular daycare?

Being home with mum provides the best care for a child for loving and learning.
The joy of being with a child almost every day is so precious and a cherished memory. However this is not always feasible. A day or two with other children may be beneficial for an only child and may provide a needed break for mum, especially if she has other commitments, e.g. looking after an elderly parent or working. Also, a day or two a week in the year before attending school can help with that huge transition. Finding a centre that has a adult directed, structured day, and with a low carer-to-child ratio is best.

mamma fraZZle

Check out this blog by a wonderful lady.

It will give you lots of food for thought
on a range of topics
and a lovely insight into the life of being a mum to 7.

mammafrazzle.com.au

Enjoy!

Yaaaaaawwwn

Sleep.

I love a good, quiet, long night's sleep.

Give your kids a wonderful life long gift - sleep.

Teach them to fall asleep by themselves (no sleep props)
and teach them how to stay asleep.
Think long term - a little hard work in the early months
will reap fruit for many years to come.

Also, your toddler, tween and teen will be much less grumpy and much more happy!

eXtra eXtras

Some days were pretty quiet at home.
My little ones would be happily playing,
and very occassionally,
the house work would be totally up to date.

At those times, it was fun to plan something extra for the day.
A spontaneous trip to the park.
Walking to the shops just to buy a treat.
A game of hide n seek.
Having a party for bear or doll with real food.

The extra extras that become lovely memory makers.

Winning Winners

Congratulations to

Tegan of WA who won the MY DAY pack and
Jennifer of NSW who won the MY WEEK pack.

Thankyou to LITTLE BILLIES for offering these prizes.

Do visit www.littlebillies.net

for some wonderful
practical and positive
parenting resources!

Various Vacations

Vacations with toddlers can be interesting!

One of our little ones was very prone to car sickness and so we stopped a lot on the road which made for very slow trips! At least we stoppped - one friend has memories of her self and two siblings, and the family dog, all throwing up in the same bucket as dad would drive non stop to the destination!

Sharing with other families can also be tricky when you have little ones. We found that beach holidays, with friends in their own cabins nearby worked best. No getting in and out of cars, or tight schedules, just lazy days on the beach for the kids to explore and play. Each family had the freedom to come and go as they pleased which worked best. Fun games and talking nights for the adults once the little ones were down for the night are great memories. I love summer holidays!

Usual Usual

So much of every day life is usual.

The same usual usual.
Every mum, even those who absolutely adore being a mum,
have moments of angst.

View this video at

http://www.deathisnotdying.com/

on Rachel Barkey and be moved and inspired.

And appreciate the usual usual.

Toddling Toddlers

Watching our new little toddlers 'toddle' about is such fun.
They wobble and sway but are just soo intent on exploring.

Outside discovery is so lovely, they touch (and sometimes taste!)
the leaves and flowers, the grass, sand and dirt.
They will be transfixed by a worm, snail, butterfly, dog, cat or bird.
All the little every day things we take for granted will hold their atttention.

Even a walk up and down the street opens up their world
to new sights, sounds and smells.

Enjoy this special time with your toddlers!

Sanity Savers

Parenting in the toddler years is hard work!

Yes, being mostly positive and proactive parents, rather than negative and reactive ones, is more pleasant for toddler and mum, but both approaches are still hard work!

Do ensure you have time for yourself each day - a time to read, sew, chat to a friend, exercise or relax. Think creativley - even 20 minutes a day will help add balance to your day.

Also think about how you can get a morning or evening to yourself each week. Having a fun spot to look forward to each week can really help in those difficult moments. Maybe swap time with a friend so you each get a break, or take turns with your spouse.

Fun spots each day and each week can certainly be sanity savers during this intense season of parenting.

# # # COMPETITION # # #

For your chance to win one of two new products from

www.littlebillies.net

MY DAY or MY WEEK

email me a creative and inexpensive idea for family fun with toddlers.

mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au

The best two answers will receive one product each.

Winners will be announced in the first week of JUNE 2009.

Right Reactions

How do you want your toddler to respond in tricky situations?

Training our children in right reactions takes deliberate focus and patience. We cannot give parenting a few rushed moments here or there in our day, intentional mothering requires time, lots of time.

Our children need to learn to rightly respond to fear (the thunder, new situations, strange people, animals) to joy (the gift received, the promised treat, the holiday, visitors) sadness (illness, injury, wounded feelings) frustration (toys not fitting right, the missing puzzle piece, time to leave the park, waiting in the supermarket) and so on and so on.

We need to model the right responses, role play, teach the why, encourage, practice, praise the efforts and correct the inapproriate choices.

Slowly, oh so slowly, they will learn to demonstrate right reactions based on self-control and kindness to others. Joy!

Questions Questions

WOLLONGONG GEMS FEBRUARY 2009 – QUESTION and ANSWER NIGHT

Hello Ladies! These answers assume you have read TERRIFIC TODDLERS (ideas for planning your day and teaching self-control – the base virtue for parenting) and TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 (practical ways to teach virtues such as obedience, patience, kindness, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc). Also, they are a brief starting point for dealing with the issue raised, each one could have had a two page answer and my two finger typing speed is just not up to that!! Please feel free to email me with any additional questions or clarifications. mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au



“Parents who follow Christ’s example do not correct without the Gospel of grace as part of the message. They do not admonish without pointing to the reality of the love of Christ. They see every instance of trouble, failure, and sin as another opportunity to teach their teenager to cast himself on Christ. They never call wrong, right, but they always deal with wrong in a way that depicts the glorious realities of the Gospel. And they never try to do with the power of their words or the gravity of the discipline what only Christ can do as he enters a teen’s heart by His grace. The pre-eminent theme of their home will not be their disappointment and their anger at their teenager’s failure. The pre-eminent theme will be Christ. He will dominate the times of failure as Forgiver and Deliverer, and he will dominate the times of obedience as the Guide and Strength. In each experience he will be sought and he will be given glory. Teenagers who live in homes like this will be regularly surprised at the love of their parents and the grace of Christ who has chosen them to live in a family where the redeeming love of Christ reigns supreme.”

Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, page 195, Paul David Tripp



My son seems to love doing the opposite of what I ask him to do. He thinks everything is a game. What can I do? My son is age 3.

Use a very different voice for your instructions. A deep, firm voice will show you are serious. Have a calm and consistent IMMEDIATE consequence EVERY time he does the opposite and he will be motivated to obey.

How do I get my boys to do chores without complaining or whinging?

Be calm and consistent. Have a regular chore time every day as part of a daily schedule. If your whole day is structured, then the acceptance of your authority in chores time is easier. Make it a race – time the boys and record their times – 10 seconds off for everything being done right the first time!

How do you get a child to eat faster? Almost 3, and no dessert doesn’t work!

Use a timer!
Set it for 20 minutes the first week, and simply remove the food when the timer goes off. Then move it to 15 minutes the next week, then 10 minutes. If you are serving three reasonably sized meals each day, with only water in between, the child will be motivated to eat in the allocated time. Also, do ensure there are no major distractions during meal times e.g. TV, radio or lots of other people milling about.


My 3 yr old is very good on his own, but different naughty things with friends. All different so how can the consequence for varied things be determined and punished?

Be pro-active and set very clear guidelines for the play time beforehand. Have a general plan and closely monitor each activity. Isolation can be the immediate consequence and missing a ‘play date’ or two can be the logical consequence.

What are the first steps to take when training a ‘bossy’ 7 yr old to want to play with her happy, friendly 4 yr old sister?

Teach her the five love languages (by Gary Chapman) so she has practical ways to show love to her sibling. Also, limit the time they spend together so that their together time can be positive and enjoyable for both of them. Reserve a few activities, or toys just for together time to make it more appealing. Continue to teach verses about kindness etc – it does sink in EVENTUALLY!!

What do you do for outright defiance in a 5 yr old?

Have a calm and consistent consequence every time. We only chastised for deliberate disobedience and safety issues. Combine this with isolation and a logical consequence that relates to the offence.

Training in non-conflict times is 99% more effective than training in the moment. Focus on teaching the virtue of obedience and verbally role playing expected behaviours and responses.

How do you advise your kids to stop other kids from bullying them at school, without they themselves getting in trouble (e.g. from hitting them?)

Give them a phrase to say e.g. “No thanks” or “Please Stop”.
Give them a specific action to take e.g. Walk away or go and get a drink from the bubblers.

To be proactive, talk though with your child how to play in a safe place e.g. near a teacher in the middle of the playground, or in the library. Also, talk through how to show love to the bully, just as Jesus would. My 5 year old would take a muffin or cookie for his ‘friend’ each day. We also prayed for the boy each day. Discussing why he/she behaves likes this is also a wonderful teaching time, and helps your child appreciate kindness.

I have a 7 year old daughter, the oldest of my four children. I am finding it difficult to teach her kindness/compassion with her siblings. Any tips?

Ensure she has set chores each day to show love to her siblings e.g. putting away their clean clothes, wiping down the bathroom sink so they have a clean place to brush their teeth etc so she is thinking of others and not herself.
Teach her the five love languages (by Gary Chapman) and have her practically ‘speak’ each language to her siblings.

Every time she deliberately chooses to show unkindness have her write in a “LIFE LESSON BOOK” (blank A4 book form discount store). Have her answer these same 4 questions each time -
“What did you do wrong?”
“Why is it wrong?”
“What will you do to make it right?”
“What will you do next time?”

She would lose the freedom to play with friends until she is characterised by choosing to show kindness to her siblings. Continue to teach her WHY kindness is important. This is a long process but your calm consistency will reap fruit.


My 15 month old thinks “come to mummy’ means start laughing and run in the other direction.

Use a very different voice for your instructions. Make it quite firm, deep and serious. This makes it very clear this is not a play suggestion, but a parental directive. If they choose to disobey, immediately pick up your child with an “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice,” or similar (same phrase each time, and place them in the cot, porta-cot or playpen. Isolate for 10 – 15 minutes. Your calm consistency will reap obedience.

What if your toddler is naughty when they are sick? How harsh can you be?

Be extra loving and gentle when they are ill with lots of cuddles, stories, TV time and naps. When they are well enough to choose to be disobedient, they are well enough to have a consequence. For those transition days (not really sick but not quite healthy) we would simply implement an early or extra nap time, or play time alone as a consequence to avoid further issues.

How do you deal with quick (bad) tempered children?

In non-conflict times, role-play the expected response.
If they feel cross,
Give them something physical to do e.g. hands together, walk to a teacher, and sit on your bed.
Give them something verbal to say e.g. “I am feeling quite cross now” or “I need some time out.”
Give them something positive to think e.g. a relevant bible verse or short phrase.

Also don’t under-estimate your self-control training in all areas. The basis of self-control will help enormously in this particular battle.
In the moment of conflict have a non-verbal signal to remind child what to do.

Have a consequence afterwards. Either praise or encouragement for progress or a calm and consistent consequence for a wrong choice.
This may be a life long struggle for your child (as it is for many adults!). Ultimately we need to point them to God as their help in this.

How do you get 2 and 4 yr old back into evening sleep routines after having relatives stay for 2 months?

You can ease them back into your expected routine or you can go ‘cold-turkey’
And expect the old standard immediately. This second approach is kinder to the child as it is back to the same standard (not a varying standard each night) and reaps far quicker results. Simply explain to them that we are going back to our family standard tonight, and outlined the consequence for non-compliance. A week or two should see everyone back on track again.

6 year old girl with a bad attitude e.g. wilful disobedience, nastiness to brother (younger sibling). How to deal with self-centredness if your child doesn’t naturally care about their friends and are consumed with their own needs.

All children are born beautiful, but selfish. We all naturally care for ourselves most. Only with God’s help, can we choose to show kindness to others. We need to first show our children the absolute value of kindness. It is not optional, it is what we expect. We teach our younger ones through calm and consistent consequence – praise and rewards for a good choice, correction and punishments for bad choices. However, we are not just focused on behaviour. From age 3 we need to teach the WHY behind what we do, so our children can grow into adults who choose to do the right things for the right reasons. We also need to provide the training in the basis of self-control so they are able to consistently live this out.
A tight routine is the place to start. Then focus on obedience. Have an immediate, meaningful consequence for disobedience. EVERY time. Be firm, be consistent and be relentless. This attitude needs to be dealt with now, before the pre-teen years.
Time with siblings needs to be sparse, and fully supervised. Social time with peers needs to be suspended until kindness can be shown in the home. Chores are crucial – the child needs to be giving to others in the family in a practical daily form. Also ensure one-on-one time happens each day. Even 10 minutes of uninterrupted positive interaction will fill your child’s love needs. Your calm consistency will reap fruit.

How to respond to kids who joke with their friends, without checking if friend knows how to take it.

Much nastiness is disguised in joke form. Forbid joking for a time. The child only has the freedom to say positive and kind things to his friends. Use the life lesson book process (in previous question above – somewhere!) for EVERY offence. Focus on the child’s heart – explore why he is choosing to show unkindness in this manner.

Can you talk a bit about boundaries with things like mobile phones, music, talking on the phone etc for teenagers.

Each family will be different, and each child will be different. Our almost 16 year old has a mobile and he pays for his own credit – hence very limited use!! Our 14 year old does not – mostly because of the lack of funds to pay for one, but also we are not sure the freedom to own one would be honoured.

Music is powerful – you can’t deny this. Chat to your teen about the lyrics and power of music. Set clear boundaries for your family. For us the music can not be heard out of the room (I do not enjoy some of the modern ‘music’!!) to be kind to other’s ears and there is very limited time each week to listen (idleness is to be avoided).

Face book is limited to one hour each Saturday. Chores, sports and homework fill up the school week anyway. Phone conversations are limited to a reasonable time (20 mins max) as there are other things to do and family to be with.

Random surfing of the net is discouraged. Again, idleness can, and does, lead to sin so a specific purpose needs to be stated before using the computer. Game time is limited to one hour on Saturday (for our younger one who does not have Face book).

Give your teen the reasons why you have your boundaries, and focus on the heart issues. Viewing these issues in light of eternity can put them in perspective!!

Peer pressure (for teens)?

It is real, and very powerful. Start talking about it with your pre-teens. A strong relationship between you and your teen, and your teen and their siblings, will greatly dilute the power of peer pressure. Talk through all decisions – rarely just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. These discussions are great opportunities to explore the moral reasons behind each decision, and hence modelling decision-making processes for your teen to imitate. Encourage good friendships by having your home available for their get togethers. Pray without ceasing!
How do I stop my 4 yr old boy from stealing little treasures from his friends home/pre-school?

Talk about this behaviour on your way there. Check the pockets before you leave. Have an immediate and meaningful consequence as soon as you get home, EVERY time. Have your child work for restitution. If it is a deliberate act of theft, we had our children pay back four times the value. This came in the form of chores to earn the money to pay it back. Talk through the feelings of the other person (sad and happy are fine for this age!). Closely supervise or temporarily suspend visits to friend’s houses until you feel you are on top of this a bit more.

Tell us a bit about how boys and girls are different and whether your parenting differs for this.

They are very different! The virtues goals were the same (love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) but the way I got there was very different! My boys were allowed to be boys – to be loud and busy and get dirty (outside in the yard only!) and to explore and take risks with bike jumps and tree houses etc. However they still desperately needed to learn self-control in their all day every activities as well.

How to deal with pre-teen defiance? Discipline strategies for attitude of pre-teens?

Calmly and consistently. Have consequences for attitude and defiance, not lecture. Loss of freedoms is the most powerful and meaningful result. Examples include loss of TV viewing, computer time, choice of extra clothing items, decrease chores money, limited social interactions with peers, earlier bedtime, increased chores to decrease free time.

What happens when your child (20 months) doesn’t respond to consequences?

The best consequence for this age group, for deliberate disobedience, is two firm swats on the upper thigh with 20 – 30 minutes of isolation. Time your isolation from the time they stop fussing. This, in the context of a fairly tight routine where mum is making all the choices will be effective. Use logical consequences for most other behaviours in the day (examples in book 2) if you are not seeing improvement in two to three weeks, then email me and we can chat about the routine and additional strategies.

Any encouraging words for women with post-natal depression?

Please seek medical help and advice to manage this situation. Accept any and all offers of help from friends and family and have a fun time out planned for you each week.

How do we incorporate all our children (big age group) in family life/activities?

The beach is great – the younger ones can play in the sand and on the edge while the older ones can surf. The park is another favourite – little ones can enjoy the playground while the older ones can play cricket or football. Old classic movies can be great for the whole family too – despite the initial protests of the older ones. We have also found the meals out together work well. Tennis has been a favourite too – the younger one playing on an adjacent court or playground while the older ones play a game. For table time in holidays we would be together for an hour each morning – just with different activities e.g. the older one composing a poster to represent a verse or psalm while the younger one colouring in a picture on it.
Also, it is important for the older ones to sometimes play the game the younger ones choose and vice versa to promote family unity.

What to do with tantrums in the supermarket?

Leave. Never give in to what they have ‘performed’ for. Go home and give an immediate and firm consequence. Read book one for ideas on how to implement a positive and pro-active routine to teach self-control, rather than deal with the fruits of a lack of self-control. Role-play the expected behaviour. Think through the time you go – best when the child is well fed and well rested.

Bedtime issues - how to get them to stay in bed and go to sleep?

Bedtime success is rooted in day time routine. If mum is gently in charge of the whole day – where and when the child is playing – then the children are much more likely to accept authority at night. If your child is characterised by obedience and self-control (both outlined in my books) during the day, then this obedience will help them obey you by going to bed, and the self-control will help them stay there. Also, have a ritual every night (e.g. an order of quiet play after dinner, bath, reading, prayers, and lights out).

How do I stop my child from temper tantrums – I have sent him to his room, I have spanked, I have time out, I have rewarded bad behaviour, ignored it? Will it EVER pass?

In my books I talk about parenting at first base. That is, focusing on all the little displays of self-ruling and self-pleasing behaviour, BEFORE they reach the home base! Dealing with the little expressions of disapproval, e.g. fussing, body language, grumpy face, calmly and consistently will reap fruit. An age-appropriate flexible routine for your day will minimise most of the ‘no’s and most of the choices. After the first week or so of adjustment, you will have a much calmer day. Is there are pattern to the tantrums? Are they always near nap or bedtime? Then pop into bed half an hour earlier. Are they always with siblings? Then limit the time he has with them and closely supervise their play. Are they over certain toys? Maybe pop them away and try them later when he is developmentally ready. Does he tantrum at meal times? Simple isolate twice, then move on with your day. Training in self-control is the positive and pro-active way to deal with tantrums - focusing your energy into teaching virtues of patience, obedience and kindness, rather than putting energy into dealing with their lack of self-control through tantrums and other negative behaviours.

My eldest is 4.5yrs old and loves to pretend to tell stories. I think it is lying and she does not quite understand it. When should I expect her to understand what she is doing?

Talk this through in non-conflict times. Start with a sentence “this is just pretend” or similar. Then tell a wonderfully creative story! Explain that this is how she must start her ‘stories’ so everyone knows it is just pretend. If she chooses not to start a pretend story with this – there will be a consequence (tell her your specific one.) By modelling the difference, you will help her through this developmental transition phase. Encourage her creativity by writing down her stories, but encourage her integrity by insisting on honesty, which is the basis of trust for all relationships.


My 4.5 yr old insists on answering back. What do I do? Do I keep insisting on punishment? What sort of punishment fits the crime?

In a time of non-conflict role play EXACTLY what you expect. For example, he may reply with a ‘Yes, mum” and nothing else! Explain what will happen for compliance (maybe a reward chart just for a few weeks to start this right behaviour) and non-compliance (your choice). Also give the reason why you expect this behaviour (one sentence – not a lecture!). Have your child repeat the consequences and reason back to you as verbalising the standard helps them accept the standard – eventually! A few suggestions re your response include – having the child sit for 10, 15, 20 then 30 minutes (increasing the time every few days) until the timer goes off and you will then repeat the instruction. Or having a time of isolation, as they have lost the freedom to speak, since they have chosen not to speak kindly to you. Or completing a practical act of kindness (chore) when they are calm to make up for not speaking kindly. Or maybe an early bedtime to think about being kind and obedient. Loss of freedom that would be meaningful to your particular child (e.g. no TV, or computer games, or social privileges, or special treat) until they are characterised by obedience and kind words)

My neighbours 2.5 year old climbs out of his cot when placed in there for isolation. What should my neighbour do?

Your neighbour could check her routine and make sure she is in charge of her whole day – no gaps and no choice time for the 2.5 yr old. The neighbour can also role play the expected behaviour with bears or trucks, clearly showing the consequences for each choice. She can also play obedience games and implement self-control training into every part of her day. Also, the neighbour needs to hover just outside the door and chastise when the child raises his leg to get out – cutting down any pleasure of ‘escape’. Removal to a high chair or pram (strapped in safely of course!) after the second ‘escape’ attempt can avoid a power struggle. Do assure your neighbour that her calm consistency will reap much fruit.

Perfect Perfectionism???

Perfectionism has a beautiful place in this world - in the arts, sports, music, crafts, dance.

However it is extremely damaging in relationships.

Expecting perfection in ourselves as parents, or in our children,
or in any relationship is unrealistic and harmful.

Real life and real people are filled with faults. Acknowledging, accepting, forgiving and even (sometimes!) enjoying these moments is crucial for today, and for modelling to our children how to cope with the real world of study, work and relationships in adulthood.

Enjoy the beauty of ballet, that unbelievable soccer goal or magnificent musical piece,
and the imperfection of people.

Overall Objective

My Emily has just had her first book completed.

It is a great achievement for a 13 year old. Sure I'm proud of her.

However if she wrote 100 books in her lifetime,
yet did not love and care for her God and for others,
I would feel quite sad.

Sure I want my children to do their best at school, sports,
music, drama, public speaking and so on.

Mostly, my overall objective is for their character,
their heart, to be the best it can be.

Naturally Naughty

Every toddler is born beautiful (or handsome!) and each is so special.

Delightful moments of laughter, silly games, funny sayings and poignant memories characterise their life. The daily hard work is punctuated with incredible feelings of love, joy and thankfulness.

Yet, as parents we have a job to do. Despite the gorgeous personality, the character needs some work. The desire to be self-pleasing and self-ruling is naturally evident in each little life. A parent needs to gently and consistently model right from wrong, virtues, habits and life philosophy.

The naturally naughty can be guided towards mostly naturally nice!

Magnificent Mud

Do let your boys be boys.

Playing in the mud, driving bikes through a mud puddle, playing cars and trucks in it, and of course making mud pies is wonderful fun for messy toddler boys!

Yes, they are experiencing the sensaation of oozy, wet mud, but mostly they are simply enjoying playing.

Pop them outside in an old set of clothes, then strip them down in the laundry when they are done and pop them in a lovely warm bath.

It will be the highlight of their day!