Heart Issues - Sibling Arguments

Dulcie was arguing with her sister - again.

Every time mum entered the room Dulcie created an argument or conflict.

As mum would come over and sort it out, Dulcie would smile, quickly apologise, and play nicely again.

Mum wondered if Dulcie was simply craving attention. So before Dulcie played with her sister each afternoon, mum spent 10 minutes reading with her. It worked!


Donald played happily by himself but could not play nicely with his brother. No matter how many toys were out, Donald always wanted what his brother had.

Dad saw the root of selfishness in Donald's heart. So he had Donald chose his box of toys before the playtime started. His brother chose his own box. They played happily side by side.

Dad also spent time with Donald as his helper, serving the family by keeping the backyard tidy and the cars clean and running smoothly. As they worked, Dad spoke a bit about thinking of others first. Slowly Donald's heart began to change.


Dudley tried so hard to play nicely with his sister. They would take turns with the toys but he just didn't know how to fix some issues.

His parents realised that they hadn't spent the time with him showing how to work through conflict. So they role played a bit, and jumped in just when a situation was beginning, guiding the siblings as they talked it out. Over the next few months Dudley acquired the skills he needed to resolve issues.



So hopefully this little series has helped you see that knowing the root of the issue can help you reach the heart of the child. The problem can have a number of different causes. Parenting the heart takes much longer than just dealing with the behaviour, but the fruit is lasting.

Heart Issues - Independent Play Struggles

Dina lasted about 3 minutes in room play each morning. Then she would wander out with a question, a plea for help or an offer of a hug. She wanted attention all the time.

To extend Dina's ability to be content and play independently her mum continued play time each morning for 10 - 15 minutes. Music would play and when a certain song would begin, mum would return for the pack up of the toys.

With calm consistency Dina gradually built up to a 30 - 40 minute room play each day.



Dominic strongly disliked room play. His issue was control. He wanted to choose each part of each day. He expressed his opinion in a very open manner.

His parents gently showed their authority. A chart was drawn up with pictures showing the activities that formed the pattern of the day. The chart dictated what came next in the day.

As Dominic saw that his parents, and not himself, were responsible for the decisions of the day, the battle over room play minimised greatly.



Dolly seemed lost in room play. She was happy to sit there, but didn't seem to engage with her toys much at all.

So mum sat with her for the first few minutes of room play and would start a puzzle, or commence building a castle or set out a tea party for the doll. This gave Dolly ideas of how to play with her toys.

In one-to-one time each day mum chose a variety of toys to play with and so modelled to Dolly new ways to use her toys.

Dolly began to look forward to room play.

Heart Issues - Anger Outbursts

Dora exploded again.

Mum asked her to share her 128-crayon set with her sister.

Dora wanted all of everything for herself, always.

To combat this selfish tendency, mum and Dora had a mission month.

Almost everyday they sought out an opportunity to give to someone else.

A cake for the neighbour.

A muffin to share with a friend at school.

Babysitting a younger one after school for an hour or too.

Pulling the weeds in the front garden as a surprise for Dad.

Creating a card to send to a teacher who was unwell.

As mum and Dora looked to give and serve,, Dora started to focus more on others than herself, and slowly was more willing to share and give. She was much happier.



Darindah was so frustrated.

Her younger sibling got away with so much, and it just wasn't fair. He was always allowed into her room to play with her special treasures. She never had uninterrupted time on her own.

A friend pointed this out to Darindah's mum. It md sense to her, so changes were made.

Darindah had the freedom to close her bedroom door and her brother had to ask to enter. She had an hour each afternoon, just before dinner to play on her own while her brother had his room play.

Darindah's outbursts of seeking justice diminished noticeably.



David seem to get really angry over such little things.

Sometimes he couldn't even say what he was angry about.

His parents  had tried every punishment they could think of. He was still having numerous angry outbursts each day.

Looking over his day they realised that David was spending a lot of each day paying on his own, choosing his own activities and having a lot of 'aimless' time.

So they had a simple pattern of different play times - outside play, table play, DVD time, LEGO play, reading time, drawing time, etc - to form his day. They included two special paly with mummy times and one special night time daddy play as well as the family time straight after dinner.

The angry outbursts that were cries for focused attention vanished over night.

David felt loved and secure.

Heart issues - the 'go-slow' child

 

 

Danae defined slow.

 

She ate slow.

 

She dressed slow.

 

She moved slow.

 

She talked slow.

 

When she had an audience.

 

If she was alone she could eat, dress, move and talk fast.

 

Her parents looked at her daily pattern, and realised Danae was spending all her time with other people. She loved social interactions and soaked up attention. She was seeing herself as the centre of the family.

 

So a few independent play times were established into the day. These included a room play, a DVD time, a table activity and a short outside solo play. This still left many hours for interaction with her siblings and parents.

 

The attention seeking 'go-slow' behaviour melted away.

 

 

Declan was the day dreamer in the family. He had every intention of getting ready for school on time, yet something always grabbed his attention and halted his progress.

 

Mum had been a dreamer-child too, so she had great compassion for her creative son. She popped up some pictures of his tasks on the fridge and played some one of his favourite music CD's. Declan had to race the music to move his task cards from one end of the fridge door to the other. They kept a record of his times on the fridge too and rejoiced with him when he scored a new best.

 

Declan still has a relaxed afternoon time for play and dreaming, but he also enjoys the calm of being ready for school on time now too.

 

 

Denise was quietly stubborn. She would give a polite "sure, mum!" to a request to pack up her toys, but it would be done in a maddening slow manner. Or half picked up with some toys deliberately placed in the wrong tubs.

 

Her parents wisely saw this 'go-slow' tactic as deliberate disobedience. Denise knew how to pack up properly and quickly but she was expressing her disapproval over having to do this task. After breakfast the next day, mum explained what the consequence would be if the toys were not packed up before the timer sounded. Mum asked Denise to verbally give her the reason why it was important to obey and why it was important to be tidy.

 

It took a few weeks, (remember she was stubborn!), and a number of consistent but calm consequences being given, but Denise is now characterised by a timely pack up. Her parents, and Denise, are much happier.

 

 

 



Heart issues - Stealing

 

 

So Daniel was stealing.

 

Just little things.

 

A few extra cookies from the pantry when no one else was in the kitchen. A small match box toy from a friends house. A small chocolate bar was slipped into his pocket during a visit to the supermarket.

 

As his parents spoke with him after each incident, thy sensed Daniel was enjoying having both parents intensely engaging with him. He didn't enjoy the consequence they imposed (doing chores to pay back the value plus more of the goods that were taken) but he seemed to be basking in the process.

 

So his parents decided to ensure Daniel had quality time with one of them each day. This was just for 10 - 15 minutes each day, with special family time each week.

 

The stealing ceased.

 

 

Deborah was stealing too.

 

Her parents talked through the reasons why stealing was wrong, and had her write apology notes to those she stole from to go with the replacement items. They were calm and consistent. They noticed however that she was generally grumpy and irritable.

 

As they talked this through with Deborah, they discovered that she was always unhappy with what was happening to her. She was unsettled and always wishing she was somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else!

 

So her parents started a thankfulness journal with her. As she wrote down 5 things to be grateful for in each day, she began to see the showers of blessings rained on her each day by our good and great God. As she grew in thankfulness to God, her heart settled into contentment.

 

There were no more stealing incidents.

 

Douglas quite openly stated that he took thing because he wanted them. He was envious of the gadgets his friends owned, and wanted them for himself. Consequences seemed to be effective for only a few weeks.

 

His parents observed a pattern of selfishness in Doug's day. He always wanted to be first, to have the biggest piece and to be the best at everything.

 

So his parents implemented a daily plan of serving others. Douglas was given extra chores each day, times with siblings where they chose the activity, and was provided with opportunities where others went first, got the biggest piece and had the chance to be the best.

 

They also talked through the value God has placed in each person, as an image bearer of Himself. As they explored the Bible and came to know the God who created and loved each person, Douglas came to realise that his responsibility was to honour and love and serve others, not to seek his own gain through them. With God's help, his heart, and then his actions were changed.

 

 

Reaching the Heart of the Issue

So when we are faced with a 'challenging moment' in our parenting, we need to stop and think.

If we just react to the surface problem we can miss the root of the issue and so will find ourselves in a cycle of futility that will not reap any changes.

So how do we get to the heart of the issue?

First, we need to look at the basics of obedience and self-control. Have we been consistent with our instructions and consequences? Have we been training the positive virtues in times of non-conflict? Is the child in charge of the day or is our gentle authority evident?

Here are a few examples of what the heart issue may be for various scenarios. These may be a result of disobedience and a lack of self-control and/or something deeper:

* Stealing - attention seeking
           - discontent
           - envy

* "go-slow" - attention seeking
            - day dreaming
            - passive aggressive behaviour

* anger outbursts - selfishness
                  - justice
                  - attention seeking

* independent play struggles - attention seeking
                             - selfishness
                             - lack of self-play adeptness practice

* sibling arguments - attention seeking
                    - selfishness
                    - lack of conflict resolution skills

So, my consequennce for each issue will vary depending on the specific heart issue.

This takes thought and effort yet yields good fruit.

The Hands That Held

The Hands that Held

 

The hands that held me,

Those that led,

Gently, tightly and so secure.

Keeping me safe,

Then guiding me on,

Then letting go.

 

Your hands that held me,

Those that led,

now they let me go,

gently, softly and feeling secure.

 

The words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Comforting, wise and trustworthy.

Keeping me loved,

Then showing me on,

Then keeping quiet.

 

Your words that taught me,

Those that showed,

Now are in my heart,

Comforting, wise and still trustworthy.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Brightly rightly and so of God.

Keeping me on the way,

Then holding me there,

Then stepping back.

 

The path that led me,

That which lit,

Now is my chosen path,

Brightly, rightly and so of God.

 

Your hands held me,

Your words taught me,

Your path led me,

To God.

 

Now His hands, they hold me,

His words, they teach me,

His path, His alone, leads me.

 

And as I live in and with Him,

I am reminded of His love

And of you.

For His hands, words and path,

Remind me of yours.

 

Emily Ann Nightingale Hayde