How blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding.
For its profits is better than the profit of silver,
And its gain than fine gold.
She (wisdom) is more precious than jewels;
And nothing you desire compares with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
In her left hand are riches and honour.
Her ways are pleasant ways,
And all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who hold her,
And happy are all who hold her fast.
Proverbs 3:13-18
We give our precious little ones so much -
stuff, experiences, memories, traditions, hobbies -
yet the greatest thing we can give them is true wisdom.
Teaching, modelling, encouraging each and every new day.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
More Clutter
Another theory on why we hoard 'stuff'':
"We're becoming more and more isolated in our communities and we try to fill that empty feeling with stuff.
Tonnes and tonees of stuff.
Sadly, we don't seem to be any happier when we have more stuff. in fact, we are more stressed, as we then have to pay for it and store it.
It's a ridiculous way to live."
"We're becoming more and more isolated in our communities and we try to fill that empty feeling with stuff.
Tonnes and tonees of stuff.
Sadly, we don't seem to be any happier when we have more stuff. in fact, we are more stressed, as we then have to pay for it and store it.
It's a ridiculous way to live."
(quoted from a recent Sunday magazine article - by Cottman, an expert member of the Australasian Association of professional Organisers AAPO)
More food for thought.
More food for thought.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Clutter
I was reading an article on clutter.I hate clutter, mess and untidiness.
This article mentioned that people buy a dream not a product.
So the kitchen filled with unopened cookbooks and kitchen appliances still in their boxes were bought with the dream of family meals filled with warmth and laughter.
The garage filled with exercise equipment and sports gear is buying the dream of the healthy outdoor lifestyle filled with friends, health and fun.
The wardrobe bulging with clothes is focused on the dream of clothing providing confidence, poularity and relationship success.
And so on.
It really helped me to view hoarders in a different light, and also to examine my motives for desiring a new purchase.
I'm not a big shopper - mostly because I always seem to frequently have embarrassing moments in shops! But I will be a more thoughtful shopper in future.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Six
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART SIX
I seem to spend all my time doing training, chores, baby-care. How can I include some fun in our day/week?
Plan it in! Maybe have one spot each day (even just 5 – 10 minutes) when everyone is well rested and well fed to have a game or play time. Plan a short family rumble or tickle play time before the bedtime ritual begins. Have a day a week that is non-structured for family outings, visitors and fun memory-making. Play with them each day by maybe joining them for the last 15 minutes of outside play or the first ten minutes of table activity time. Yes, there is always something to clean or fix or prepare or wash. We need to intentionally choose to enjoy each day of our parenting and calve out those few moments of extra enjoyment and pleasure.
How do we reconcile self-control gone wrong? i.e. if there’s been a series of parental outbursts in front of the children?
“If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting.” – Albert Einstein.
If you are not coping with your day, what can change? Is there a part of the day that needs improvement? Do you need to change some physical aspect of the house? Do you need to adjust outside commitments? Do you need daily or weekly time outs just for you? Do diet and health need focus? A change in practice will reap a change in outcome. Yes, we need to confess to the children and ask for forgiveness, but practical changes also need to be implemented.
How best can you train children’s heart when your husband doesn’t really see what you are trying to do as important (“just a child”).
It is certainly harder when your spouse is not on board at all, but not impossible.
You just do the best you can in the time that you have alone with them. Truly, you pray lots. Ultimately it your everyday model that speaks loudest to your children. They are watching and listening to everything you say and do. You cannot change what your spouse thinks, but you can model respect for him and be as united as you can in front of the children. Focus on all the positive virtue training you can do with every part of your day (suggestions in TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2) and put your thoughts and emotional energy into these activities.
At what age do you think that God’s grace can be understood in children?
I personally think that maybe from age 5 and up, at a very simple level. However, from my experience it is really in the teen years that they come to grasp the magnitude of His amazing grace. In the first five years of parenting, the over riding focus is on establishing self-control and obedience. The next six years or so are refining the heart attitudes and training through real life situations. From pre-teen to teens you are expanding their world view and basic theology to include concepts of grace, eternal consequences, the end times, the mega-narrative of the bible story etc. I too am still learning of the magnitude of the awesome attributes of God.
Have you any creative ways to incorporate teaching God’s grace along side self-
control?
For us, this is part of our teaching in these early teen years so mostly comes through conversation. If a scenario occurs at school, we can discuss the aspects of self-control and grace that were or were not shown in that instance. If they have made a good or bad choice in a situation themselves, we can incorporate these issues in our evaluation talk. As I deal with people issues in my ministry or work place I can highlight these areas in the way I relate the stories of the day and in my speaking of colleagues or the decision making of my authorities. Our toddlers need to learn self-control and a very clear sense of right and wrong, then they will appreciate grace.
What level of involvement of the Holy Spirit do you equate in your teaching i.e. do you tell your children to seek this gift along side your training?
Parenting is a wonderful, intensive, heart breaking work. Our job is simply to prepare the soil of their hearts for the Holy Spirit to do His work. We need to plant the seeds of good virtues, and pull the weeds of the negatives we see. My daily prayer is that my children will come to passionately know God, passionately love God and passionately desire to see others come to know and love Him too. Ultimately they can not display self-control and good choices by themselves, it is only with God’s help that they can live holy and disciplined lives that are pleasing to Him. From the middle years we turn our training to this in a more direct manner.
I seem to spend all my time doing training, chores, baby-care. How can I include some fun in our day/week?
Plan it in! Maybe have one spot each day (even just 5 – 10 minutes) when everyone is well rested and well fed to have a game or play time. Plan a short family rumble or tickle play time before the bedtime ritual begins. Have a day a week that is non-structured for family outings, visitors and fun memory-making. Play with them each day by maybe joining them for the last 15 minutes of outside play or the first ten minutes of table activity time. Yes, there is always something to clean or fix or prepare or wash. We need to intentionally choose to enjoy each day of our parenting and calve out those few moments of extra enjoyment and pleasure.
How do we reconcile self-control gone wrong? i.e. if there’s been a series of parental outbursts in front of the children?
“If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting.” – Albert Einstein.
If you are not coping with your day, what can change? Is there a part of the day that needs improvement? Do you need to change some physical aspect of the house? Do you need to adjust outside commitments? Do you need daily or weekly time outs just for you? Do diet and health need focus? A change in practice will reap a change in outcome. Yes, we need to confess to the children and ask for forgiveness, but practical changes also need to be implemented.
How best can you train children’s heart when your husband doesn’t really see what you are trying to do as important (“just a child”).
It is certainly harder when your spouse is not on board at all, but not impossible.
You just do the best you can in the time that you have alone with them. Truly, you pray lots. Ultimately it your everyday model that speaks loudest to your children. They are watching and listening to everything you say and do. You cannot change what your spouse thinks, but you can model respect for him and be as united as you can in front of the children. Focus on all the positive virtue training you can do with every part of your day (suggestions in TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2) and put your thoughts and emotional energy into these activities.
At what age do you think that God’s grace can be understood in children?
I personally think that maybe from age 5 and up, at a very simple level. However, from my experience it is really in the teen years that they come to grasp the magnitude of His amazing grace. In the first five years of parenting, the over riding focus is on establishing self-control and obedience. The next six years or so are refining the heart attitudes and training through real life situations. From pre-teen to teens you are expanding their world view and basic theology to include concepts of grace, eternal consequences, the end times, the mega-narrative of the bible story etc. I too am still learning of the magnitude of the awesome attributes of God.
Have you any creative ways to incorporate teaching God’s grace along side self-
control?
For us, this is part of our teaching in these early teen years so mostly comes through conversation. If a scenario occurs at school, we can discuss the aspects of self-control and grace that were or were not shown in that instance. If they have made a good or bad choice in a situation themselves, we can incorporate these issues in our evaluation talk. As I deal with people issues in my ministry or work place I can highlight these areas in the way I relate the stories of the day and in my speaking of colleagues or the decision making of my authorities. Our toddlers need to learn self-control and a very clear sense of right and wrong, then they will appreciate grace.
What level of involvement of the Holy Spirit do you equate in your teaching i.e. do you tell your children to seek this gift along side your training?
Parenting is a wonderful, intensive, heart breaking work. Our job is simply to prepare the soil of their hearts for the Holy Spirit to do His work. We need to plant the seeds of good virtues, and pull the weeds of the negatives we see. My daily prayer is that my children will come to passionately know God, passionately love God and passionately desire to see others come to know and love Him too. Ultimately they can not display self-control and good choices by themselves, it is only with God’s help that they can live holy and disciplined lives that are pleasing to Him. From the middle years we turn our training to this in a more direct manner.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Five
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FIVE
My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?
Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.
Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?
For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.
My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?
Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.
How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?
After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.
I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?
Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.
My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?
Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.
My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?
Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.
Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?
For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.
My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?
Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.
How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?
After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.
I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?
Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.
My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?
Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Four
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FOUR
I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?
Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.
What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?
You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.
I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.
You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).
My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?
Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.
What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?
A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.
What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?
From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.
I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?
Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.
What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?
You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.
I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.
You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).
My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?
Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.
What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?
A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.
What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?
From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.
Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Three
PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART THREE
I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?
Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.
How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?
Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.
Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?
There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.
I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?
Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!
My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.
Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.
How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?
Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.
I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?
Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.
How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?
Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.
Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?
There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.
I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?
Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!
My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.
Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.
How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?
Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.
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