Terrific Toddlers and other terrific bits

Chore Time for Mums - by Belinda Letchford

2012-01-29T20:07:00.000-08:00

My kids do a lot of household chores – between the four of them

they keep the kitchen, bathroom, family room clean and tidy, they

do the family laundry and look after outside chores as well. They

are totally responsible for their own bedroom and ironing. They

each cook a few evening meals a month.

What is left for me to do you may ask!

My main responsibility is to train them in their responsibilities.

I may not be doing much of the actual chores, but I am training.

*Training in and of itself is a chore – it is my job every day. *

There is a downside to this though – your house may not look like

you wish it did, it won’t look like a magazine cover. As

homemakers ourselves, we have to come to a place of contentment

– that our home is a training ground, it isn’t a showcase.

When my kids were little I of course did these tasks, but I had my

children working alongside of me; learning, not only the skills,

the how-to, but also the heart for work, for serving and for being

a team. Doing household chores is a very good heart training

ground. If we aren’t careful though we forget the heart and just

get the house clean.

So the important things to teach are:

-A heart for work – a work ethic, and an ability to do the tasks

-A heart to serve others – we live in this house together - we do

each other’s laundry, we wash each other’s plates, we clean the

bathroom so it is nice for the next person.

-A heart for the family – we are a team and we work together, play

together, and pray together.

As I have said in the past, a key motivator for me is that I want

my children to have the skills necessary to look after their own

responsibilities as an adult: their time, possessions, money, and

self. I also want them to have the skills necessary to look after

other people – to be able to help people outside of themselves.

It is important that we know, deep in our heart – that we are

convinced, *why* we are teaching our children these chores. Once I

know my ‘why’ I can start to work on ‘what’ I’m going teach,

‘when’, and ‘how’. If we don’t know why then we will feel bad when

our children challenge our decisions.

Training really is a full time job. Remember training our kids

involves

-Showing them how it is done – being a model

-Teaching them – breaking each skill down, talking it through,

-Letting them practice – don’t walk away and leave them to it

after you’ve taught them, continue to be by their side, guiding

and adjusting their efforts

-Let them be responsible – once they are doing a good job

consistently, walk away and let it be their responsibility –

don’t hover but do make them accountable. Get them to report back,

you go and check it and either praise them for a job well done, or

get them to repeat it if it hasn’t been done right.

Sometimes it is just easier to get in and get it done yourself –

but you are short changing your kids if you do this. Training is

emotionally draining as well as time consuming. But you and your

children will reap the benefits. If you want to increase what your

children are doing around the house – spend this week observing

all that you do and ask yourself the question – which one of your

children could do this task? Or - Which one of your children needs

training in this task? Take notes and start to prepare for a time

of training and adjustment. They may or may not need training,

they may need reminding and encouragement, but bit by bit get your

children to do the things you know they are capable of doing, then

move onto training them to do a little bit more.

As a wife and mother we wear many hats – now you can add Trainer

to the list!

Read more on Belinda's website:
” http://www.lifestyle-homeschool.com/

What Every Child should know Along the Way
is a very helpful book as it gives a list of household

responsibility (aka chores) that the authors consider age

appropriate. You may tweak them (as I have a little) but it does

give you a guide and a starting place. It also has a great section

on Character training.

Belinda blogs during the week over at Live life with your Kids Blog

http://livelifewithyourkids.wordpress.com/

.

Maybe This Year

2012-01-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

Maybe This Year

2012 at 7:49 pm
by Nicole Whitacre

Filed under Biblical Womanhood Spiritual Growth

Each year we make New Year's resolutions for things we want to change, but we also have New Year's hopes for things we can't change, but wish we could. We long to receive certain desires of our heart that seem elusively out of reach. And maybe, just maybe, we will see those hopes fulfilled this year.

When I was single, I hoped for a husband. Maybe this year, he will come. I imagined myself married by the following New Year, or at least engaged. Maybe the New Year was holding my future husband in the wings. God eventually gave me an amazing husband, but new hopes still sprang up with each New Year's Day. When we lived in a teeny apartment, I wanted to move to a bigger place. When I experienced secondary infertility, I wanted to have another child. Maybe this year.

I'm sure you have hopes for this year. They are probably whatever you are thinking about right now.

But in her book, Keep A Quiet Heart, Elisabeth Elliot encourages us to focus on the most important of New Year's hopes:

“Will the young woman find a mate? Will the couple have a child? Maybe this year will be the year of desire fulfilled. Perhaps, on the other hand, it will be the year of desire radically transformed, the year of finding, as we have perhaps not yet truly found, Christ to be the All-Sufficient One, Christ the ‘deep sweet well of Love’” (page 49, emphasis mine).

This year, let us ask God to dissolve all our hopes (however good they may be!) into a single hope: to know Christ and to be found in Him. May this be a year of desire radically transformed, a deeper, truer, knowing of Christ as our All-Sufficient One.

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:7-8a).

Article taken from
girltalksblogs - conversations on biblical womanhood and other fun stuff.

Christmas

2011-12-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas.

I love all the Christmas songs with words so rich with meaning.

I love the planning and organising.

I love the excitement and anticipation.

On the eve of Christmas we were strolling along the beach
with hundreds of people from around the globe, eating gelato.
Dress-up characters, Christmas lights, children blowing bubbles,
glow sticks, people eating in outdoor cafes, fireworks on the beach front.
All contributing to a buzz not experienced at any other time of the year.

On Christmas Day we attended a formal church service
steeped in ritual and tradition.

So holy.

So joyful.

So peaceful.

Thankyou, Jesus.

Take Courage, Work, Fear Not - by John Piper

2011-12-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

If that's you, this message from Haggai is tailor-made for your heart today. God confronts the discouragement of the people, first of all, with a heartening command in verse 4: "Yet now take courage, O Zerubbabel, says the Lord; take courage, O Joshua, son of Jehozadak, the high priest; take courage, all you people of the land, says the Lord; work." God clearly does not agree with their assessment of the situation. If they think their work on the temple is of so little significance that they can quit, they are very wrong, for God says, "Take courage, . . . work!"

He gives two arguments why they should take courage and work heartily. And both of these are crucial for us as well. The text continues in verses 4 and 5: "Work, for I am with you, says the Lord of hosts, according to the promise that I made you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit abides among you; fear not." God's first argument why they should "take courage," "work," and "fear not" is that he is with them. For most of us the value of a job increases with the dignity and prestige of the people who are willing to do it. How could we ever, then, belittle a work when God says he is with us in it? When God is working at your side, nothing is trivial.

But the promise is not only that he will be at your side; he will also be in your heart encouraging you. Look back at the end of 1:13. "I am with you, says the Lord. And the Lord stirred up the spirit of Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the spirit of Joshua the son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the spirit of all the remnant of the people; and they came and worked on the house of the Lord." If we will ask him and trust him, God not only works with us, but he moves in to stir up our spirit and give us a heart for the work. He doesn't want crusty diehards in his work; he wants free and joyful laborers. And so he promises to be with them and stir them up to love the work.

In other words, take courage, work, and fear not, because you build more than you see. All you see is a paltry temple. But God promises to take your work, fill it with his glory, and make your labors with a million times more than you ever imagined.

There is a principle here that applies to you and me: God takes small, imperfect things and builds them into a habitation for his glory. O, how we should take courage in our little spheres of influence! And is this not the message of Advent and Christmas? What more appropriate word could God have said to Mary as Jesus was growing up: Take courage, young mother, you build more than you see. And so it is with every one of us. Nothing you do is a trifle if you do it in the name of God. He will shake heaven and earth to fill your labor with splendor. Take courage, you build more than you see.

© Desiring God

Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org

Beauty Tips by Audrey Hepburn

2011-11-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

Beauty Tips by Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed;

Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself,

the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,

because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

but true beauty in a Woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.

And the beauty of a woman, with passing years only grows!

Backbone Parents

2011-10-31T01:58:00.000-07:00

What does a backbone do?

It supports the whole body - maximising movement and function.

What is it made of?

Lots of little bones.

What do parents with backbones do?

They support the whole child - desiring to maximise the intellectual, social, physical, emotional and spiritual functions of the child.

What is it made of?

Lots of little 'no's'.

Backbone parents have the strength to say 'no' to their toddlers;

- 'no' to having lollies for dinner

- 'no' to showing disobedience

- 'no' to running across the busy road

- 'no' to taking that toy from another child

- 'no' to expresing emotions in that way etc etc.

Backbone parents have the strength then to say 'no' to their teens;

- 'no' you can't wear that

- 'no' you cannot watch that

- 'no' you cant be on the computer continuously

- 'no' you can't take your phone to bed with you

- 'no' I will not allow you to speak with disrespect to your peers or parents.

The little 'no's' will strengthen your backbone.
Practicing saying 'no' to your toddler,
will help prepare to you to say 'no' to your teen.

Backbone parents are focused on holiness not happiness.
They are gentle and kind, knowing kids need boundaries.

Backbone parents raise teens who are confident, secure and ready for real life.

Are you strenghtening your beackbone today?

2011-10-25T01:13:00.000-07:00

It does require the supernatural grace of God

to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint,

to go through drudgery as a disciple,

to live an ordinary,

unobserved,

ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus.

It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God;

but we do not.

We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things,

to be holy in mean streets, among mean people,

and this is not learned in five minutes.

Oswald Chambers

"To live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus . . ." This expresses the challenge for a great many disciples. I am not 'special' in needing to live this way.

How many people are at home with children and babies living 'unobserved' lives? How many are sick or living alone? How many people are forced into a job that is mundane and boring and apparently unimportant? How many have missed out on an opportunity to use their creativity? How many are trapped in difficult loveless relationships? the list goes on, and we haven't even considered those imprisoned or rejected by family, or in poverty in the persecuted church around the world.

There are many who face the challenge to 'live an ordinary, unobservered, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus.'

This is 'everyday theology', the sense that ordinary everyday people and our everyday contexts are where we display what our theology really means. It is where belief meets daily habit. It's all about life - real life, daily tasks, drudgery, and routine, being just as significant as the great noteworthy and public moments.

from REMEMBER... the things that matter most when hope is hard to find

by Rhonda Watson

Mums Night Out

2011-10-11T02:06:00.000-07:00

You are warmly welcome to

Parenting with Hope

6 p.m. Saturday 15th October

RIVERSTONE, SYDNEY

$25 (includes dinner)

RSVP (12/10) essential

mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au

UNGRACEFUL PARENTING

2011-10-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

This is Blaire, captured via iPhone throwing her first drama queen tantrum. She was full of angst about not getting to eat the wormy pear she snagged outside. The good news is that Blaire has a Daddy who loves her, so she won’t be doing much more of this. Limited time release and all that. Of course she will be doing a great many more things for years to come, but sufficient unto the day is the trouble thereof!

Many of us come from backgrounds of rigid discipline and high expectations. Others of us may not have ever experienced house rule, and have no idea how to set them up for our children. It is easy for us to be in one ditch or the other – either all law and no grace, or all “grace” and no law. But the point is really to be somewhere in the middle. How do we do this?

The central thing that we need to see is our own temptations, and parent in a way that sanctifies us, and that fights against those temptations. If you are prone to massive chore charts, laminated couches, and military whistles, maybe your parenting could use a little finger painting, and a little laughter. But if you are prone to smile tenderly at a child who is throwing a full on tantrum (see my exhibit A), and toss them a cookie, perhaps you should look into disciplining yourself to follow through on something.

Now clearly half the battle here is figuring out what you are actually doing. If your home is a sort of military regime for drones, you could feel like all that was ever happening is insurrection and disobedience, because every little step out of the lines you created seems monumental. And you made so many lines that half the steps your children take are outside them. You might not see yourself as too disciplined, but rather very disordered. When someone suggests you loosed up, you might think “What!! We are already going to the bad place in a disobedient hand basket! Loosening up would be the end!” You might think you need to do some serious tightening up, but that will only make things worse.

And if your child is throwing routine tantrums, you might still see yourself as a hard line parent because sometimes you yell and scream and discipline in anger. But the truth is, you are just hard in the wrong way. You need to loosen up somewhere, and tighten up a whole lot somewhere else. While other people see you bribing and arguing and threatening and then not following through, you might feel like you do nothing but discipline. You might think that you follow through because you threaten, or take things away, or generally dislike your children.

Or maybe you think that you are the most generous, kind hearted, and understanding parent around. You think you are ladling on the grace by letting your six year old lie down on the floor during church, or your two year old hit you (venting their frustrations and all that). You feel like your children will love you because you always give gentle admonitions that are never heard. But anyone else could tell you that your children look unhappy and unloved.

But here is the thing. Law and grace are friends. They were always meant to go together. If the law is the skeleton, grace is the flesh. Without the law in there, the grace is just a blob. And without the grace, the law can’t move. It can’t carry grace anywhere. If there is not law, there is no grace. And without grace, the law is dead. Now parenting needs to represent both the law and the grace to your children.

Think honestly about the law in your family. Do your children obey you? Your first instinct might be to say “Of course they do!” But think a little deeper than that. When you tell a child to do something, do they do it? Or do they do it after you begin threatening? Do they do it when you start to look serious, or when you stand up? Do they do it after you bribe? Are you bolstering up your commands with dangling carrots or looming paddles? Do you find yourself talking and talking and talking about it? Does it take you twenty minutes to get a child to take a bite? Twenty intense minutes with furrowed eyebrows and raised voices?

What tends to happen with situations like this is that the parents get aggravated, and end up disciplining. They may still feel like they really enforced the old law. But the truth is, they bullied. Instead of simply, cheerfully enforcing a standard, they eventually resorted to force to get their way. That is not the way authority acts. When parents see themselves as an authority, they are enforcing their position, not their personal whims. God wants you to be in authority over your children, he put you there. This is not a position you are striving to get into. You are in it. Act like it.

If you do not have a solid structure of godly authority and law and you try to just be easy on your kids, the problem you will have is one of boneless grace. You think that you are ladling on the love and acceptance and grace, but you aren’t. When God gives us grace, it results in fellowship with Him, forgiveness, and joy.

When we ignore sins our children are caught up in, that is not giving them grace. That has a different name, and it is judgement. Think of Romans 1:24, “Therefore God gave them over to their sins”. That was not an example of grace. Sin is like water. Children can drown in even a little bit. Looking away when your kid is stuck in some petty sin is like walking away from a kid floundering in really shallow water, and it is not grace. If you love your children, you grab them and haul them on out of that. You get them all the way out. You don’t watch from the house to see if it gets a lot worse. You don’t decide that it is their problem, and wish them the best. You don’t decide that there will be more time another time to get them out of that water another day. You don’t sit beside the pool and chat to friends or post about it on Facebook. Grace is action.

Grace is not changing your mind about that bite of broccoli because you know you aren’t going to win. Grace is not deciding to let a kid stay outside because they stomped at you when you told them to come in. Grace is not deciding that it isn’t a big deal that your daughter is yelling at you. Grace is not a coward.

Grace is not a facilitator of sins, it is a solution to them. A good parent has two weapons to help them fight sin on behalf of their children. One is law, and one is grace. The point of both is restoration, forgiveness, and joy. If you don’t see those fruits in your home, then you need to reevaluate what you are wielding.

article by lizziejank taken from blog at www.feminagirls.com

Answered Prayer

2011-09-06T01:17:00.000-07:00

My heart is full of thanksgiving for answered prayer.

I have waited many years for these answers.

Knowing that God is God and that God is good is enough.

He knows the why of everything and I can simply trust.

Thank you Jesus.

TODDLER TALK

2011-08-22T01:41:00.001-07:00

Terrific Toddlers

President Avenue Community Church

440 President Avenue (corner Churchill Street)

KIRRAWEE, SYDNEY

Monday 5th September 7.30 p.m.

Gold coin donation

Family Fatigue

2011-08-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

The weekend papers included an article on family fatigue.
Apparently it is common for families of primary aged children to be racing from organised activity to activity.
Soccer, music, dance, scouts, swimming, art, football, athletics, netball . .

Of course these activites have many benefits for the children.
However more than one or two at any one time can cause tiredness and anxiety.

The article highlighted the importance of allowing children time to play.
To simply be kids.
To dream.
To imagine.
To create.
To rest.
To read.
To enjoy.

Balance is the key.

Beatitudes

2011-08-12T04:42:00.000-07:00

The beatitudes are found at Matthew 5: 3-12

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they shall possess the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice,

for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,

for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice sake,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Terrific Toddlers TALK

2011-08-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Saturday 6th August

2 p.m - 4 p.m.

Illawarra Christian School (library)

Albion Park

All Welcome

A Sample Schedule

2011-07-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

Sample Schedule

Breakfast – manners

Play time – self-play adeptness

Video/TV – focus and concentration

Time with Mum – pleasant words

Craft/Table Activity – kindness

Outside play – sibling friendship

Lunch – patience

Reading time – verbal self-control

Nap/Rest – quietness

Free Play – tidiness

Chores – helpfulness

Bath – verses and rhymes

Video – obedience

Dinner – cheerfulness

Family fun – love

Bed ritual - peace

# sample schedule on left teaching orderliness and self-discipline

# suggested virtues on right that could be taught for each activity

Sleep and Food Issues

2011-07-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

Why are toddler issues with food and sleep so emotional?

A lack of sleep affects everyone in the household and long regular sleep is a basic need for a child's optimal growth.

A picky eater can make mealtimes unpleasant for everyone in the family and good nutrition is a basic necessity of life.

Food and sleep are the most popular topics for questions I receive (with toilet training and sibling issues a close second!)

There are lots of ideas on how to deal with each of these issues, and most parents try a number of approaches in their search for success.

A wholistic approach looks at the toddler's whole day, not just the food or sleep issue in isolation.

A parent-led pattern for the entire day gently shows that mum and dad choose the events for the whole day.
This means that battles over particular parts of the day (including meals and naps) are greatly minimised bacause you are not suddenly shifting from the child being in charge (in their little minds) to the parent now taking an isolated stand.

Will the battles cease by Saturday?
No.
Everything worthwhile takes time and effort.
Change is hard.
Progress will gradually emerge in the weeks to come.

Apparent Truth or Eternal Lie?

2011-07-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

"What things are there in our country, our church, our family, our lives that may fall into this category?

A common perception in our culture is that busyness = significance. Yet the truth is that so often, busyness robs us of relationship, one of the most significant things in the universe. What seems like more is actually less – a lie perpetuated by the enemy.

Our culture is obsessed with happiness, with doing whatever it takes to avoid pain. As a result, the church tend to focus on the positive aspects of the gospel while neglecting the seriousness of sin and its devastating consequences. In our efforts to promote eternal life, we forget that it requires death to everything of this world. Jesus said in John 12:25…

“The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

The apparent truth that happiness in this life is the goal is actually an eternal lie."

from Peter's blog.

A Poem of Life

2011-07-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

The Psalm Of Life

What the heart of the young man said to the psalmist

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream!--

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!

Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,--act in the living present!

Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Holidays

2011-07-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

Holidays - hurray!

Two weeks of slow mornings,

friends,

winter sun,

books,

friends,

sleep,

cleaning (I love having everything

neat and tidy and really clean!),

good food,

and

good friends.

Enjoy!

Lazy parents urged to read

2011-06-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

"Lazy parenting is resulting in children starting school
developmentaly disadvantaged because
they watch too much TV instead of playing or being read to.

A neuro-psychologist in the UK, Sally Goddard Blythe,
researched the link between children
who missed out on simple childhood activites
and those who started school with learning problems.

She found many toddlers
were watching 4.5 hours of TV a day instead of playing,
and went on to school
with poor emotional development and motor skills."

Quoted from the Sunday Telegraph 19.6.2011

Clean as you go . . .

2011-06-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

One of my keys to managing my day with toddlers was

'clean as you go'.

This not only gave me a relatively clean house by the evening,
it provided lots and lots of incidental moments
to teach patience to my little ones.

I would pack away the cereal, milk and spreads immediately
so only had a few dishes to wash at the end of breakfast
and with a quick wipe down of the bench we were done.

Part of getting ready for the day included putting pyjamas
under their pillow and making their bed so I would hover and do
a few minutes of tidying in their room while they worked on this
(and straightened out the doona at the end of their effort!)

Room time would always end with me helping them
put their toys in the right place
so there was no big mess to come back to later.

One-on-one time and craft time included setting up
and packing up together which sometimes meant my
toddler would sit and tell me a story for a few minutes
while I did the final clean up.

During outside play I would get a few bigger cleaning jobs
done uninterrupted and make a start on dinner preparations.

Morning outside play time would likewise end with a shared
packing up time, and I have fond memories of myself
sweeping the sand one way
and my little ones helpfully sweeping it the other way!

For lunch, I would pop them in their highchair or booster seat
and make the lunch and clean up before givng it to them.
This provided a few minutes of patience practice and again meant
a very quick clean up at the end. Reading time straight after lunch
was a great focusing activity for my toddlers, and a little break for me too!

Likewise, I cleaned as I went for the afternoon activities.

Doing a little bit at a time throughout the day
meant that most nights I had very little to tidy up.
My husband came home to a relatively tidy house and our
evenings were free to relax rather than work.

I love being efficient with my time and try and double it whenever
I can - cleaning and training at the same time was most rewarding!

To be a Mother is a Call to Suffer

2011-06-08T02:29:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing a sermon a few years ago by John Piper with the title 'To be a Mother is a Call to Suffer'. It made an impact on me at the time, and some of it came back to me in the middle of the night last night:

How do you handle the setbacks, the disappointments, the abuses, the heartaches, the calamities, the bitter providences of your life? And I ask it specifically to mothers, because to be a mother is a call to suffer. When Jesus looked for an analogy of suffering followed by joy, he said (in John 16:21), "Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world."

To be a mother is a call to suffer. Not just at the beginning of life, but also at the end. Simeon said to Mary, Jesus' mother, "Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed – and a sword will pierce even your own soul" (Luke 2:34-35). Mothers suffer when their children are born. Mothers suffer when children leave them and go to the mission field. Mothers suffer when their children die. Mothers suffer when their children are foolish. "A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother" (Proverbs 10:1). To be a mother is a call to suffer. Oh yes, it's more. But it's not less.

(taken from 168hoursblog.com.au)

Peaceful Sunday Afternoon

2011-06-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

My 13-year-old son spent Sunday afternoon building a raft.

Adventurous,

challenging,

messy,

complicated,

absorbing,

and fun.

It was delightful watching the (failed) launch and
totally undaunted, hearing his immediate plans
for raft number two already on the next weekend.

(Reading this over my shoulder just now he smiled and said
"Yes, it was fun and oh I have this great idea for next time . . .")

Strong-willed toddler?

2011-06-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Tough,
determined,
focused
and
persistent.

Describes your toddler?

Be
calm,
firm,
gentle
and
consistent.

You will reap a harvest of virute.

They love enough . .

2011-04-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

A mother and father who love their children cannot allow them to go their own way. They desire for them freedom and joy, things that no human being can find without instruction, example and correction. If only the parent could make them see that the purpose in all these things is the children's ultimate happiness and wholeness.

They love them enough to say no to most TV programs, no to staying up as late as some of their friends, no to junk food.

They love them enough to require an hour of solitude and quiet for each child each afternoon.

They love them enough to stand by while the children learn to do things by themselves, things that parents are strongly tempted to do for them.

They love them enough to allow them, when their growth in wisdom and independence require it, to be hurt, to struggle, and at times, even to fail.

page 147, Discipline: The Glad Surrender, by Elisabeth Elliot

Teaching self-control in the teen years

2011-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

So in the toddler years we focus on teaching physical self-control,
in the school years we teach verbal self-control and
in the teen years we turn towards emotional/thought self-control.

With our teen we discuss, unpack, teach, guide and encourage in the areas of:

movies
books
career
modestry
politics
charity
friendships
work
church - attendance and participation
finances
sport
private world
hygeine
bible
chores
nutrition
celebrations
integrity
global citizenship
sleep
television
recreation
family
siblings
music
internet
world view
time management
eternity
relationships
phone use
car driving and ownership
future . . .

teaching self-control in the school years

2011-03-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

So in the toddler years we focus on teaching physical self-control
- how and where to play.

In the school years we focus on teaching verbal self-control.
A predictable pattern of meals, chores, play, school,
music and sports provides daily opportunities for this.

Learning to speak
quietly inside,
louder outside,
with kindness,
with patience,
with discernment,
with wisdom,
to resolve conflict,
to share,
to sympathise,
and to bring life,
not death.

"Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body,
but it makes great boasts.
Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
The tongue also is a fire." James 3:5

So how do you teach self-control?

2011-03-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

Our children are born beautiful and gorgeous.

They are also born with the propensity to be self-pleasing and self-ruling.

We are to love them, enjoy them and teach them.

One aspect of our teaching is to gradually help them to manage their actions, thoughts and emotions.

In the toddler years we are mostly focusing on self-control of actions.

A day in which a toddler chooses when and how to play, eat and rest will strengthen the propensity to be self-ruling and self-pleasing.

A day in which the parent gently (oh so gently) guides and encourages a toddler through a balance of activities provides a platform for teaching self-control.

Every day, ordinary activities - all day, every day - provide teaching opportunities!

Psalm 121

2011-02-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven of earth.

He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber or sleep.

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

strength of character

2011-02-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

I went camping with 40 13-year-olds last week for a school camp.
We were down south of Sydney in the beautiful Ulladalla
region. The students enjoyed sleeping in tents, ocean swimming,
roasting marshmallows around a bonfire, a night walk along the beach
and exploring the rocks.

The focus of the camp was the climb up Pigeon House Mountain
which is 720 m above sea level and rated as a difficult 4 hour climb.

We managed to coax all the students to the top,
even up the 13 sets of near vertical ladders at the peak.
The 360 degree view was breath taking.

What was interesting was observing the spirit with which each
child met the challenge. Some complained with every step.
Others loved the difficulty and strived to reach the top as quickly as they could.
Some plodded with quiet resignation.
One little girl really struggled with the walk but smiled all the day.

How would your child climb?

Focus and Fun

2011-02-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

So why plan the year?

We are called to live sober (careful) lives and to one day give an account for each of our days.

Balancing our day, our week and our year, enables us to live a holy and disciplined life.

To best train, enjoy, and cherish our precious children requires thought, planning and prayer.

All that we do, including the rest times, fun times and mundane times, is part of this goal.

"Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. " Titus 1:8

Hopes or Plans?

2011-01-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

Likewise with my children, I have hopes for things I wish to see growing in their hearts, yet it is concrete plans that will greatly aid this process.

When they were toddlers, I would keep the goals very simple - aiming for one goal in each area (spiritual, physical, emotional, social and intellectual) - partly not to ovewrwhelm my child by wanting too much too soon, but mostly so I could keep track of where I was with each child!

For example, when Emily was 3 years old, my goals looked like this;

spiritual - memorising passages of scripture over morning tea each day (eg Lords Prayer, 10 commanments, Psalm 121)

physical - dance class once a week

emotional - focus on sibling friendships and conflict resolution with sibling play time each day

social - have one friendship visit each week (at our house, their house or a park)

intellectual - work through a series of pre-school workbooks in one-on-one time each morning

Proverbs 22:6 encourages us to "Train up a child in the way he should go . . . " and 'training' requires intentional, deliberate and purposeful steps.

Wishes or Goals?

2011-01-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

One of the things I love about the January holidays is long lunches with good friends.

Thinking about the year ahead was just one topic of conversation.

Wanting some things to be different is one thing.
Planning for some things to be different is another.

I try to set goals to work towards over the year
in each area of my life - spiritual, social, physical, emotional and intellectual.

Keeping the goals realistic keeps them managable and I tend to only have 1 - 3 goals per area.

For example, one of each of my goals this year will be:

Intellectual - complete a counselling course (this can be part of my PD for school so should be doable)

Physical - add competitive tennis to my social tennis and basketball each week

Spiritual - finish reading the entire bible (2 year cycle) and read an Elisabeth Elliot book

Emotional - take the last half hour of each day to renew and replenish

Social - aim for a balance of people and home days in school holidays

Enjoy the planning, the journey and the results!

www.4thefamily.com.au

2010-11-30T22:54:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I have just finished watching the IDENTITY dvd by David and Charissa Scotford.

It is beautifully shot in our Great South Land (between lovely Perth and wonderful Broken Hill)

and is just over 15 minutes long.

The focus is on bringing out the best in our children, encouraging and guiding them to be all they should be.

The presentation is practical, biblical and very balanced.

I encourage you to check it out via their website.

How can eternity influence daily tasks?

2010-11-13T23:06:00.000-08:00

" When I used to sit down for devotions with our four boys at home my mind wasn't simply, "Ok, I have a duty as a dad: I'm supposed to do devotions at night." My mind was, "What will they become?"

We did devotions daily.

The goal isn't just to fulfill some little task that dads are supposed to do. Rather, you're building men who hopefully someday will have absorbed so much of God and so much of the Bible that it's going to shape their whole world.

And they might wind up going to Pakistan to help build shelters for earthquake victims."
JOHN PIPER DESIRING GOD BLOG

whatever

2010-10-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

As my two sons and I sat down to our dinner of macaronin and cheese with salad, we were discussing integrity and initiative. It was a light and fun conversation, and it is always

interesting to get a young man's perspective on things.

As we were chatting, I was reminded again how precious meal times are. They are not

simply a time for eating. They are opportunities for fun, conversation,

memory remembering or making, building up and teaching.

Whatever

we do can,

and

should

be done for His glory.

Every part of every day

can be used for self,

for waste

or for eternity.

Not in a frantic, desperate sort of way, but rather a gentle, intentional

careful choice manner - to deliberately live a full and abundant life, enjoying purposeful living.

Mealtimes with toddlers are often chaotic and noisy.

Yet you can still be modelling and gently encouraging

the manners and meal time patterns you wish to see in the future.

It will take time, as with all areas of parenting, but the fruit

will be happy, peaceful and holy conversations - over meals!

Little Men - Louisa May Alcott

2010-10-24T04:46:00.000-07:00

"Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care, for soul and body worked harmoniously together.

The natural refinement which nothing but home influences can teach, gave him sweet and simple manners; his mother had cherished an innocent and loving heart in him; his father had watched over the physical growth of his body, and kept the litte body straight and strong on wholesome food and exercise and sleep, while Grandma March cultivated the little mind with tender wisdom of a modern day Pythagoras - not tasking it with long, hard lessons, parrot-learned, but helping it to unfod as naturally and beautifully as sun and dew help roses bloom.

He was not a perfect child, by any means, but his faults were of the better sort; and being early taught the secret of self-control, he was not left at the mercy of appetite and passions, as some poor little mortals are, and then punished for yielding to temptations against which they have no armour.

A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children."

page 19 LITTLE MEN Louisa May Alcott

Melbourne 6th November 2010

2010-09-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I will be speaking in Melborne on Saturday 6th November
10 am - 12 noon
$10 (includes morning tea)
Winner Hall
Arrow-on Swanston Building
488 Swanston Street
CARLTON VIC

please book through
sarah@lifeexpedition.org

It will be lovely to meet you there!

Daily

2010-09-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing
has an impact
on kids
except
for what they do
daily.

- Ralph Winter

Adult or Child Life

2010-08-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

I heard an interesting comment a few weeks ago.

A generation ago, families revolved around the needs and activites of the parents.

This generation, famlies revolve around the needs and activities of the children.

True or false?

Good or bad?

Positives and negatives of each ?

Food for thought.

Martin Luther

2010-07-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

Our natural reason looks at marriage and turns up its nose and says,

'Alas! Must I rock the baby? wash its diapers? make its bed?

smell its stench? stay at nights with it?

take care of it when it cries? heal its rashes and sores?

and on top of that care for my spouse,

provide labor at my trade,

take care of this and take care of that?

do this and do that? and endure this and endure that?

Why should I make such a prisoner of myself?'

What then does Christian faith say to this?

It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant,

distasteful and despised duties in the spirit,

and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval

as with the costliest gold and jewels.

Its says, 'O God, I confess I am not worthy

to rock that little babe or wash its diapers,

or to be entrusted with the care of a child and its mother.

How is it that I without any merit

have come to this distinction of being certain

that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will?

Oh, how gladly will I do so.

Though the duty should be even more insignificant and despised,

neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor

will distress me

for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight.'"

--Martin Luther qtd. in The Shaping of a Christian Family by Elisabeth Elliot, p. 87

Redeeming Time

2010-07-19T22:10:00.002-07:00

The weekend paper claimed that
90% of teenage boys and
75% of teenage girls
exceed the two hour daily recommendation of TV viewing time.

Add to that texting,
social networking pages,
computer games
and web surfing
and many hours per day are spent in non-real interactions.

How incredibly sad.

Forming healthy patterns in the toddler years,
of a balanced day,
of including time with others,
time outdoors
and time alone
in real pursuits
is more crucial than ever before.

Holidays filled with outdoor hobbies,
picnics and fun activities with other families
are an enjoyable and helpful aspect of this foundation.

Think ahead and see the importance
of what your 'everydayness' is planting for the future!

Free Books

2010-07-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

It has been on my heart to donate some Terrific Toddler books

to those who may not be able to afford them.

Do you know a playgroup, mums group, church , school, course,

communinty that could benefit from them?

Please email me mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au

with details and a mailing address.

Enjoy the gift of this wonderful day!!

Learnig style of toddlers

2010-05-27T02:10:00.000-07:00

Caleb loved to line up all his little matchbox cars, one after the other, over and over again. Em enjoyed arranging and rearranging all her bears on her bed. Sam was quite happy putting pegs in and out, in and out, in and out, of a container while in his high chair.

Toddlers love to repeat things. Over and over and over.

A favourite book can be read hundreds of times, yet still delight.

A favourite game can be played in exactly the same way each time (e.g. hiding in the same spot for hide-n-seek over and over!) yet still brings squeals of joy.

Our training of heart virtues into the lives of our precious wee ones also requires repitition - patient explaining and showing and encouraging - over and over.

It is how toddlers learn. Enjoy the process!

2010-05-19T03:47:00.000-07:00

I gave you life, but I can't live it for you.

I can teach you things, but I can't make you learn.

I can give you directions, but I can't be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but I can't account for it.

I can take you to church, but I can't make you believe.

I can teach you right from wrong, but I can't decide for you.

I can buy you a beautiful garment, but I can't make you beautiful.

I can offer you advice, but I can't accept it for you.

I can give you love, but I can't force it on you.

I can teach you to share, but I can't make you unselfish.

I can teach you to respect, but I can't force you to show honour.

I can advice you about friends, but I can't choose them for you.

I can advise about sex, but I can't make you pure.

I can tell you about the facts of life, but I can't build your reputation.

I can tell you about drink, but I can't say no for you.

I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.

I can warn you about sins, but I can;t make you moral.

I can, however, pray for the Lord to watch over you and to give you guidance.

The DVD is here!!!

2010-05-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

Well.

It is finally finished.

Many months, many meetings, many yummy cakes, lots of filming, much chocoloate, lots of chinese tea, heaps of lollies, over 150 script edits, many prayers, oodles of decisions, a whole bunch of gorgeous toddlers, lots of crossraods, many out takes, a pool party, and an enormous number of hours of hard work are behind us.

Words can not express the depth of my gratitude to so many people who contributed to this project. I am so humbled by so many generous and wonderful people.

Firstly Felic for coming to me with this idea more than two years ago.

It is her vision that started the ball rolling, and her tenacity that saw it through.

Linc for his support, jokes, wisdom and prayers along the way.

And for their four beautiful children's part too.

For Stu, the technical genius who pulled the script, crew, filming, sound and editing together.

His incredible number of hours will be so richly rewarded in heaven.

For Tara, who so graciously allowed Stu the hours to work on this project,

and for all her fantastic admin and catering support.

And for their two beautiful children's filming role too.

For James and Sonia, for so generously lending us their house for main filming day, and their four beautiful children for inclusion.

For Meryn and Matt, for their three beautiful children who did so well in front of the camera, too.

To Carol for the fantastic cover and artwork - you were a pleasure to work with.

To COMPLIMENTS OF GUS for sharing their wonderful music with us - your generosity is so kind.

To the crew (who were SO patient), post-editing and duplicating companies, animator and duplicator - many thanks are extended to you all too.

Our prayer is that this DVD will give you a glimpse of what a day with your toddler can look like.

We follow four families throughout the day and show real mums interacting with real toddlers (not actors!) in each part of the day.

For each section I explain the reasons behind each activity and a few points to consider as you implement the activity into your own day. The suggestions are not prescriptive, and you are encouraged to adapt the principles to suit your own unique family.

ENJOY these precious toddler years!

www.terrifictoddlers.com.au

New Website

2010-05-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

My new website has just become live!

A huge thankyou to my wonderful web guy,

James, for an amazing job of updating

- it looks fantastic.

All your hours of work and

your technical expertise are greatly appreciated.

There is a whole new look and

lots more of your questions are answered there online.

so check it out!!

http://www.terrifictoddlers.com.au/

Darwin GEMS - March 2010 - Part Two

2010-04-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

My kids are over 5 years old and I feel my life is out of control.Where do I start to fix it?

"If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you are getting" - Albert Eisnstein

Wanting to do things differently, to get a different result, is the first step.

Then organise your days into a pattern that is fairly consistent.

Then work on one virtue at a time (eg obedience). When you are seeing change, then work on the next thing. Don't overwhelm your self or your children by teaching too much too soon.

My nine year old is constantly asking for me to buy things every time we go to the shops.

Say "That's great! That $10 toy will need ten one dollar jobs.

Let's rush home so you can start on them!"

If the child earns the money BEFORE he purchases the item he will come to learn the value of it.

The asking will greatly reduce too!

My three girls are close in age. The middle child constantly annoys the others to get a reaction.

Balance your day so that the girls have time alone,

time near each other

and time directly with each other.

Ensure you are having one-on-one time with each girl too.

Isolate the offender then work through the issue (What was wrong? Why was it wrong? What does she need to do to make it right? What will she do next time?) .

Also pro-actively teach them how to resolve squabbles between themselves. do this in times when they are not fighting so you role play the steps.

As a single parent how do I teach and prepare them for a future partner? How do I do this and answer difficult questions about current situation?

Your aim for children is still 'best'. Parent, pray, teach and encourage towards this. Ensure they have a strong basis of self-control, a hard work ethic, financial wisdom and the practical skills of household management. Surround them with positive role models.

Your little ones do not need to know the details of your current situation. As they mature, prayfully and carefully present the facts in the fairest and simplest way possible.

Do you have a family devotion time?

No we don't. Right from young I have encouraged my children to read their bibles just before sleep each night.

My husband doesn't support me in parenting. How do I handle this?

This is really hard.

If you do all the daily tasks alone, then create a pattern in your day that enables you to balance the children, chores, yourself and others, so that you don't burn out.

If there is no support in terms of decision making, then form a network of like-minded friends who can offer you wisdom and practical suggestions.

Many men are more likely to respond to the practical reasons behind what you are trying to do, rather than other reasons. So where ever possible give the immediate and logical reason for the behaviour you are teaching.

Keep in mind that parenting is 80% your model - who you are - and that those little eyes are always watching you and learning from you all day every day.

Please give some techniques for self-preservation to keep own identity, sanity, relationship with hubby alive, with lots of kids, homework etc etc!

The only way I was able to balance the children, the household tasks, husband, church, family, friends, school, work and myself, was to have a pattern for each day. This enables me to give time to each priority, and not to neglect one thing or the other.

In the early days we found another family that was happy to swap babysitting so we could each have two date nights out each month.

Each Saturday morning my husband had the children and I would have breakfast with a friend.

One night a week I would go out (at various times it was for a craft night, coffee with a friend , shopping on my own, or to play basketball) and one night a week my husband would go out.

Be creative and think through what would work best for you in the current season.

How do you get past just surviving through each day to get to all the lovely things to share with our children?

Establishing a pattern for your day will be really hard work for 3 - 4 weeks. Once it is in place, you will reap all the many benefits of having structure and boundaries in your day.

Not only did I plan what my children whould be doing, I also planned what I could do at each stage of the day too. Cleaning up as we go was a huge help, as was multi-tasking whenever possible!

Read through the whole toddler book to get a picture of how this can work throughout the whole day. Having a calm and orderly home is a great basis for teaching heart virtues to your precious little ones.

My days with my toddlers were hard work. The household tasks were cyclic and never-ending.

I worked hard to teach them self-control. Many mums of toddlers work very hard dealing with their toddler's lack of self-control. Toddlers are so much happier when they have self-control.

My desire was to do the best I could with each day, to train heart virtues and to enjoy each precious stage. It is an awesome responsibility to teach and guide and truely love our children.

Darwin GEMS - March 2010 - Part One

2010-04-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

How do I appropriately respond to my one year old when he squeals (repeatedly and loudly) to communicate ?

Teach your little one sign language (plenty of tips on the web).

Having just a handul of signs can help your wee man to communicate to you in a pleasant and effective manner.

Teach one sign at a time.

It will take him a few weeks to learn the first one, then he will usually learn the following signs within a week or so.

How do you teach a toddler to be quiet at bedtime?

Having a ritual for bedtime (same things at the same time in the same order) is a big help.

Have a time of quiet reading alone to help quieten them.

Maybe have some times during the day where you are working on verbal self-control (see book 2) to help with the night time quitness too.

How do you stop a 2 1/2 year old boy from throwing his toys around?

Demonstrate what things are for throwing (eg balls) and where they are thrown (eg backyard)

and how they are thrown (away from windows etc!) during your outsideplay times.

Role play what things are not thrown (and a brief reason why not) during your inside play times.

Act out the consequences for choosing not to throw inside toys, than act out the consequence for

choosing to throw toys inside.

Your calm and consistent consequences will teach him what you prefer.

How do you with a toddler hitting mums and other kids?

In the moment I would say one sentence (the same phrase each time - you choose) to show that this is not acceptable (we said "oh dear, that is a bad choice.")

Then I would isolate my toddler.

In between times I would role play the consequences for choosing to hit or not to hit using bears, dolls, blocks or trucks (or whatever).

The next time we are with other kids I would keep my toddler close to me so that he wouldn't have the opportunity to lash out.

Your calm and consistent teaching will change his choice.

How do you manage a toddlers clingy-ness around the home?

I tried to balance the day so that my toddler had

time alone (room play, TC+V time, Outside play etc)

time near me (toddler playing, me working and us chatting and interacting)

time with me ( reading time, craft time, academic learning time, baking etc)

This ensures the toddler is not demanding attention

because she is getting too much or too little attention.

The balance also ensured the toddler knows they are deeply loved

but also know they are part of daily life, not the whole of life.

These days there are very good programs on TV for kids

- how much should I allow my children to watch?

Each parent needs to think through there own standards here for their family.

We used 20 mins twice a day of TV or DVD viewing to teach our toddlers the self-control of sitting and focusing. We also ensured the content was mostly educational, focused on heart training or simple stories such as Postman Pat, Spot, Bob the Buidler or Thomas the tank Engine.

So many adults are addicted to feeding the appetite of entertainment through TV and DVD viewing and we need to be aware of this.

Our school age children generally had no TV viewing during the week, with one hour on Saturday only.

Being proactive and thinking this issue through is the first step.

Tomorrow Never Comes

2010-03-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

If I knew it would be the last time that

I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly

and pray for the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss

and call you back for more.

. . . . and another 11 verses

about making the most of today,

in case there is no tomorrow.

I love living a full life,

filled with people and

projects that help others.

I want to make the most of today,

not in fear of no tomorrow,

but simply to live well.

To be the best I can be,

to do all that I can,

to please Him.

I desire to parent my children well,

so they desire to do their best,

so they have a passion for Him,

to have hearts filled with compassion for others.

So that tomorrow they will do good.

Bumps along the road

2010-03-10T00:50:00.000-08:00

No parenting journey is totally smooth.

There are always bumps on the road, sometimes detours and sometimes major road blocks.

Today with your toddler may have been one of those dreadful 'no' days.

The ones where your precious little one wakes up and fights everything all day.

Where nothing seems to keep them occupied or content.

Pop them to bed early, plan an enjoyable hour or so for yourself, and have an early night too.

Then start again tomorrow.

Today was one day closer to shaping their little heart and mind.

You have passed this bump on the road and can now move forward to a smoother patch ahead.

Before you encounter the next bumpy day . . .

A Little Bit of News

2010-03-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

Mmm . .

What happened to February?

I thought it had only been a few weeks since my last blog post, not a whole month and a bit!

Well apart from teaching, family, house bits, writing essays and speaking to mums about toddlers, I have been working on a DVD.

Felicity, Linc, Stu, Tara and myself have planned, written and filmed a script that will hopefully bring the TT book to life. I have been overwhelmed by both the sheer volume of work involved and the amazing generosity of my friends in pulling this project together.

We are in the editing stage now and are hopeful the product will be ready in just a few months!

I'll keep you posted.

Your Life's Trail

2010-01-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this to me and I felt it was very relevent for the start of the New Year.

YOUR LIFE'S TRAIL SHOULD SPEAK FOR YOU

Whether you know it or not, someone, somewhere, is watching you handle your life.

It could be a member of your family, a business associate, a casual acquaintance, or perhaps someone you don't even know. That being the case, are you leaving trails of which you are not ashamed?

Every person has the power to make others happy. Some do it by simply entering a room, others by leaving it. I have a friend who leaves a trail of great enthusiasm, hours after a phone call from her I still feel great. Another friend leaves a trail of optimism. Another, only a brief conversation with her and I feel better.

One friend enriches my day by leaving a trail of kindness. Cheerful smiles are her trademark. Some individuals leave trails of gloom. Others leave trails of joy. Some leave trails of hate and bitterness, others leave trails of love and harmony. Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism, criticism and resignation, others leave trails of faith and optimism, gratitude and hope.

What kind of trails do you leave?

What kind do you want to leave behind this year?

Direction

2010-01-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

"If you do not change direction,

you will end up where you are going."

Lao Tzu

I promised myself never to forget how long and hard each day with a toddler was.

Yes, they were delightful and precious days too, but very hard work.

Answering toddler questions most nights for 15 years, and regularly speaking to and chatting with mums all over Australia, has helped me remember.

Keep on keeping on - these days of labour will reap a wonderful garden of heart virtues.

Three Trees

2009-12-30T15:43:00.000-08:00

There were 3 trees on a hill in the woods,

discussing their hopes and dreams.

The one who wanted to be a treasure chest

ended up as a manger,

holding the greatest treasure of all time - baby Jesus.

The one who wanted to be a mighty ship

carrying kings and queens across the waters

ended up as a fishing boat,

carrying the King of Kings through a storm.

The third one wanted to grow to be the tallest tree

in the forest so people will remember him

as the greatest tree of all time reaching close to heaven.

He had Jesus crucified on top of a hill and was as close to God as possible.

The moral of the story is that

when things don't seem to be going your way,

always know that God has a plan for you.

Each of the trees got what they wanted,

just not in the way they imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us.

We just know that His ways are not our ways,

but His ways are always the best.

Adelaide GEMS - November 2009 - Part 2

2009-12-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

What's a good punishment for a 9 yr old girl who is being disrespectful?

Life lesson book.

Buy a blank hard cover exercise book.

For each offence have your child write

- what was wrong

- why it was wrong

- what to do next time

-how to make it right.

Then have them make it right and give an additional consequence

from the list in the previous post for an 8 yr old.

What do you do when your tween starts telling lies?

React firmly.

It is the little foxes that destroy the vines. Don't let this habit grow.

Be wise too. if you know they have not yet brushed their teeth, don't ask if they have
done this. Simply instruct them to brush now.

Do you think it is important for siblings to have their own room and space?

Yes and no.

If you can manage for each to have their own room, then they will learn to be responsible for their own things and their own area. It can also provide a clear place for homework to be done, time out to be had and quiet to be enjoyed.

If you can't, they will still learn each of these things, you simply have to be a little more creative.
Certain personalities will need a little more solitude than others, and certain children will need a little more space than others too!

You hear a lot about birth order behaviours. Do you need to do things differently with each child?

Books on birth order characteristics are certainly very helpful. As is information on personality or temperaments, gender differences and learning challenges. Our heart goals for each of our children are similar (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control etc) yet there are many individual goals for each one too. The bible is the best guide book for parenting, remember that all others are secondary.

Can you give some ideas about how you stop materialism taking over the home?

Model your values.
Children will hear what you DO, rather than what you SAY.

Give away a piece of clothinge very time you get a new item.

Go to the park rather than the plaza.

Have relationship based social times (eg board game nights, pool parties, picnics),
rather than spending ones (movies, amusements, shopping).

Offer a chore for eaach "I'm bored".

Have a extra jobs list ready for when they do want to save up for something special.
Most of the asking disappears when they realise how many jobs it takes to earn a toy!

Limit birthday gifts to one small present from each family member.
Teach the joy of giving (through practice) and serving rather than receiving and getting.

What are appropriate consequences for a teen who flatly refuses to go to school?

I wouldn't be looking for punishments. I would be seeking to understand then address the issues behind this.

Are there issues with other students, the teachers, the work, a past or future event that needs focus?

Are there major social or relationship issues in the family or friendships that have changed or ceased?

Hopefully the teen has one adult they would feel safe to open up with and discuss this through with.

A younger teen obviously needs to be encouraged back to school, for an older teen it may be a sign that it is time to look for employment or other learning options.

How do you encourage teens to take responsibility for personal hygeine etc?

Your discussions need to be relationship based, rather than authoritarian, and based around the comfort of others (not having to smell their body odour, see their yelllow teeth etc).

Very calm, matter of fact, consistent consequences (with a touch of humour) are most effective for your teen.

How do I know God has chosen me to be the mum for my children? I fail so often.

We all fail. We all can't do it on our own.
We need God's wisdom.
we need the help and encouragement of other mums along the way.
Sometimes we need time out.

Seek to your best today, just for today.
To love, enjoy, play and smile with your children.
To focus on tomorrow, and tomorrows issues, tomorrow.

Adelaide GEMS - November 2009

2009-12-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

Hello,

A month after my lovely (very warm!) weekend in Adelaide I have finally finished the school term. So now I can answer the questions asked during the night meeting there. Please note they are only general answers, please email with more details if you would like a more specific answer to your query.

I once emailed a reply to a toddler issue. The mum wrote back and said she had implemented 70% of what I had said. I was delighted! She had thought through her situation and applied the relevent principles to her own context. May you prayfully do the same.

Do you believe there are alternatives to spanking that work as well with children?
Absolutely!
Logical consequences that correspond to the behaviour are best. Elevating good and focusing on the positive are very effective. Isolation for under 2 yr olds is helpful, spanking for deliberate disobedience for a 2 - 5 yr old is appropriate, while older children receive more 'feeling' from related consequences.

My almost 20 month old snatched her bottle - is this the first sign of attitude?
Maybe.
It could be a move towards independence (wonderful!) or it could be a sign of impatience. Look for a pattern then determine how best to proceed.

My 20 month old says 'no' when asked to do something.
Minimise your asking.
Simply take the child to the bath, don't ask if they want a bath.
Use a firmer voice for direct instructions and have a calm and consistent consequence for every disobedience. Role pay 'yes mummy' games so the consequences for compliances or not are very clear.

How do you handle toddler tantrums while shopping?
Go home.
Have a very memorable consequence then.
Think through the time you are going shoppng (not too tired or too hungry,
too late, too long or simply too often).
Talk through the expected behaviours on the way to the shops, in a happy encouraging voice.

How do you help 5 - 8 years olds resolve their own conflicts?
Practice.
Model, practice, practice, encourage, practice, practice!
When they were calm we would have them come together and each give an explanation,
then a possible solution each then finally a compromise.
Many many months of modelling and talking through this process will finally result in siblings who can (eventually!) work out their own issues.

Do you have any tips for a toddler who lies?
Focus on honesty.
As you go through your every-day routine, talk about being true.
Speaking right.
Have stories focusing on honest words, have craft that is made of caterpillars (or wahatever!)
that speak words of truth.
Focus on the hearers feeling happy (for true words) or sad (for untrue words).

Appropriate consequences for an 8 yr old girl?
no T.V.
no friends over
no treat foods
no free paly time
no choices for clothes or books
early bed time
mum's shadow at home and while out
no music
no computer surfing
no social networking chatting
extra chores
needs to ask for everything
no DVD's
no shopping
no hobbies or activites
mum-strucutred morning and evening routine.

Eyes and Face

2009-12-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

Is a toddler happy?

Look into his eyes.

Are they clear, direct, full of hope and joy?
Are they alight with wonder and peace?

Look at his little face.

Is he lost in the moment, concentrating on his new discovery?
Does he have a contented look as he waits and plays and obeys?

A happy toddler is a treasure.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 3

2009-11-08T02:23:00.000-08:00

16. Don't ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologise to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm to you.

17. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get on without it, so please allow it some.

18. Don't do things for me I can do myself. It makes me feel like a baby.

19. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try it.

20. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love. But I don't need to tell you that - do I?

I'm not sure where this memo came from (do let me know if you do - then I can credit the author) and I don't totally agree with every sentiment. However there is lots of old fashion wisdom there.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 2

2009-11-04T01:16:00.000-08:00

9. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I would like. This is why I am not always very accurate.

10. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

11. Don't take my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.

12. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

13. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are real.

14. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover you are neither.

Memo to Mum and Dad - Part 1

2009-10-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

1. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I am only testing you.

2. Don't be afriad to be firm with me. I prefer it. it makes me feel more secure.

3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to direct them in the early stages.

4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. it only makes me behave badly.

5. Don't correct me in front of other people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

6. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

7. Don't try to preach to me. You'd be surprised how well I know what's right and wrong.

8. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

Reflection

2009-10-22T14:43:00.001-07:00

Take time to be holy,

be calm in thy soul,

each thought and each motive beneath his control.

Thus led by His spirit,

to fountains of love,

Thousands shalt be fitted for service above.

To smack or not to smack . . .

2009-10-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

The parental right to smack (or not) has again been in the news in regard
to the mother of a nine year old girl using a wooden spoon on her.

Administering a small slap on the hand for a danger situation (such as a hot oven)
or a calm, private chastisement for an act of deliberate disobedience in a 2 - 5 yr old
is very different to an angry slap across the face or an out of control beating in frustration.

Effective consequences for 5+ yr olds include loss of freedoms and privileges,
and logical tangible restitution. Physical punishment for this age group is ineffective
and inappropriate.

Positive and proactive parenting is more pleasant for the child and for the parent,
and is very effective too. Our precious children need our gentle authority.

Slow Dance

2009-10-15T01:38:00.001-07:00

Have you ever watched kids on the merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading light?

You better slow down, Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

D you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done do you lay in bed

With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

Ever told your child we'll do it all tomorrow?

And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time to call and say hi.

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music wont last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and you hurry through your day

It is like an unopened gift . . . throw away.

Life is not a race. do take it slower

Hear the music before the song is over.

True Wisdom

2009-10-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
And the man who gains understanding.
For its profits is better than the profit of silver,
And its gain than fine gold.

She (wisdom) is more precious than jewels;
And nothing you desire compares with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
In her left hand are riches and honour.

Her ways are pleasant ways,
And all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who hold her,
And happy are all who hold her fast.

Proverbs 3:13-18

We give our precious little ones so much -
stuff, experiences, memories, traditions, hobbies -
yet the greatest thing we can give them is true wisdom.
Teaching, modelling, encouraging each and every new day.

More Clutter

2009-09-22T02:36:00.001-07:00

Another theory on why we hoard 'stuff'':

"We're becoming more and more isolated in our communities and we try to fill that empty feeling with stuff.

Tonnes and tonees of stuff.

Sadly, we don't seem to be any happier when we have more stuff. in fact, we are more stressed, as we then have to pay for it and store it.

It's a ridiculous way to live."

(quoted from a recent Sunday magazine article - by Cottman, an expert member of the Australasian Association of professional Organisers AAPO)

More food for thought.

Clutter

2009-09-16T03:07:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article on clutter.

I hate clutter, mess and untidiness.

This article mentioned that people buy a dream not a product.

So the kitchen filled with unopened cookbooks and kitchen appliances still in their boxes were bought with the dream of family meals filled with warmth and laughter.

The garage filled with exercise equipment and sports gear is buying the dream of the healthy outdoor lifestyle filled with friends, health and fun.

The wardrobe bulging with clothes is focused on the dream of clothing providing confidence, poularity and relationship success.

And so on.

It really helped me to view hoarders in a different light, and also to examine my motives for desiring a new purchase.

I'm not a big shopper - mostly because I always seem to frequently have embarrassing moments in shops! But I will be a more thoughtful shopper in future.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Six

2009-08-18T03:52:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART SIX

I seem to spend all my time doing training, chores, baby-care. How can I include some fun in our day/week?

Plan it in! Maybe have one spot each day (even just 5 – 10 minutes) when everyone is well rested and well fed to have a game or play time. Plan a short family rumble or tickle play time before the bedtime ritual begins. Have a day a week that is non-structured for family outings, visitors and fun memory-making. Play with them each day by maybe joining them for the last 15 minutes of outside play or the first ten minutes of table activity time. Yes, there is always something to clean or fix or prepare or wash. We need to intentionally choose to enjoy each day of our parenting and calve out those few moments of extra enjoyment and pleasure.

How do we reconcile self-control gone wrong? i.e. if there’s been a series of parental outbursts in front of the children?

“If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting.” – Albert Einstein.
If you are not coping with your day, what can change? Is there a part of the day that needs improvement? Do you need to change some physical aspect of the house? Do you need to adjust outside commitments? Do you need daily or weekly time outs just for you? Do diet and health need focus? A change in practice will reap a change in outcome. Yes, we need to confess to the children and ask for forgiveness, but practical changes also need to be implemented.

How best can you train children’s heart when your husband doesn’t really see what you are trying to do as important (“just a child”).

It is certainly harder when your spouse is not on board at all, but not impossible.
You just do the best you can in the time that you have alone with them. Truly, you pray lots. Ultimately it your everyday model that speaks loudest to your children. They are watching and listening to everything you say and do. You cannot change what your spouse thinks, but you can model respect for him and be as united as you can in front of the children. Focus on all the positive virtue training you can do with every part of your day (suggestions in TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2) and put your thoughts and emotional energy into these activities.

At what age do you think that God’s grace can be understood in children?

I personally think that maybe from age 5 and up, at a very simple level. However, from my experience it is really in the teen years that they come to grasp the magnitude of His amazing grace. In the first five years of parenting, the over riding focus is on establishing self-control and obedience. The next six years or so are refining the heart attitudes and training through real life situations. From pre-teen to teens you are expanding their world view and basic theology to include concepts of grace, eternal consequences, the end times, the mega-narrative of the bible story etc. I too am still learning of the magnitude of the awesome attributes of God.

Have you any creative ways to incorporate teaching God’s grace along side self-
control?

For us, this is part of our teaching in these early teen years so mostly comes through conversation. If a scenario occurs at school, we can discuss the aspects of self-control and grace that were or were not shown in that instance. If they have made a good or bad choice in a situation themselves, we can incorporate these issues in our evaluation talk. As I deal with people issues in my ministry or work place I can highlight these areas in the way I relate the stories of the day and in my speaking of colleagues or the decision making of my authorities. Our toddlers need to learn self-control and a very clear sense of right and wrong, then they will appreciate grace.

What level of involvement of the Holy Spirit do you equate in your teaching i.e. do you tell your children to seek this gift along side your training?

Parenting is a wonderful, intensive, heart breaking work. Our job is simply to prepare the soil of their hearts for the Holy Spirit to do His work. We need to plant the seeds of good virtues, and pull the weeds of the negatives we see. My daily prayer is that my children will come to passionately know God, passionately love God and passionately desire to see others come to know and love Him too. Ultimately they can not display self-control and good choices by themselves, it is only with God’s help that they can live holy and disciplined lives that are pleasing to Him. From the middle years we turn our training to this in a more direct manner.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Five

2009-08-18T03:50:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FIVE

My eldest daughter, 7, is an extrovert who has a low self esteem. Have you got any tips for godly encouragement to help her?

Focus on God-esteem i.e. feeling right from doing right. As you train her in self-control and obedience, with the heart virtues and a focus on the preciousness of others, she will experience truly good feelings from doing the truly right thing. Helping her to focus on how others are feeling, and on ways she can serve others will help her move her feelings off herself. Encouraging her to lean on Jesus for help to show the fruits of the spirit in her life will also help her look outward. Pointing her toward the gospel message of the reality that we are all sinners, yet also deeply loved by an awesome God can help her gain a biblical perspective.

Could you please share some of the consequences for disobedience (slowness to act, annoying behaviour etc) that you used in you parenting of your middle years children?

For disobedience in the middle years we basically used a life lessons book (idea from Heather M). The child would get the book (an A4 hardcover book from a discount store) and date a new page. Then they would write out and answer the following 4 questions. What did I do wrong? Why is it wrong? What can I do to make it right? What will I do next time? This puts the onus for the thought process on the child. Restitution and a logical consequence would follow. For example if they chose to disobey and not to complete the task you required, then they would need to complete that task and four others.

My 9 yr old boy told me the other that he feels like dad and I don’t care about him anymore and would like to be in a different family (sometimes). Then he said but God gave me this family so I am stuck with it! What have we done wrong?

Was this a once off throw away statement or is it a repeated sentiment? In a non conflict time, e.g. after a fun family day together, or at bedtime when he is calm and happy I would seek to clarify his thoughts. Is there something specific that can change? One of my middle years children would comment from time to time on how strict we were, how quiet it would be to not have siblings, how unloving not to give certain clothes or privileges etc. It is a child’s perspective! Ultimately as they come to know Jesus personally, they will see it was His perfect plan to put them in this particular family, and see the wisdom of you parenting in obedience to God.

How do you teach siblings to resolve conflict appropriately?

After the basic sharing stage of my tiny ones, I taught them how to manage their little issues through modeling and role playing this process. When they were both ready (sometimes 10 – 20 minutes later) I would have each of them state the problem. Then they would each repeat back what the other said. Then they would each state a possible solution. They would repeat this. Then they needed to choose one of the options, apologise to each other then move on. Of course this took many months of me ‘encouraging’ this process and helping them through it step by step. Now they can do it (mostly) independently of me, really valuing each other.

I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. The 7 yr old has much delight in annoying his older brother. The older brother is trying to ignore the younger one but eventually loses his self control and hurts the younger one. How can I help both boys gain self control? How can I prevent silly 7 year old behaviour?

Regulate their time together. Is it play time, chores time, homework time or quiet time. Ensure you have a long outside play time each afternoon so the 7 year old can use up lots of his energy in appropriate ways. Clearly labeling their activity can minimize this issue. Talk through scenarios of teasing. Give each child something to say (e.g. let’s play nicely now, or please speak kindly to me) then, if the other child chooses not to respond, allow the child the freedom to come to mum or dad for help. The resolution process (above) can then be worked through. Have early bedtimes for those choosing to annoy or hit another to encourage right choices.

My 11 yr old has a fantastic attitude, always willing to help and often does things with out being asked to help. Our struggle is with his anger and frustration with his younger siblings. How do we encourage him to not get so angry and frustrated? Why is he acting this way now, when he hasn’t in the past?

Are the children together all the time? Does the older one have space and time to play without the younger ones always interfering? Do the younger ones have time and space to play in their way too? A balanced day provides a fair environment to work on this issue. Give him something tangible to say when he feels angry (e.g. a calm and quiet ‘I don’t like what you are doing’, or ‘I am starting to feel frustrated now’). Also give him something physical to do (e.g. walk to his room, go and get a drink of water, come inside). He will still feel angry, but he needs to learn that are appropriate words and actions for those emotions.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Four

2009-08-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART FOUR

I have a 5 year old who is back-chatting. How can I train him not to do this?

Go back to first time obedience. Have him practice saying “yes, mum” and nothing else, in response to your instruction. Chat through your expectations, and clearly outline the consequences for non compliance. This would include isolation and loss of privileges, especially social ones. Maybe have a chart for rewarding the right choices initially. Ensure you have a tight structure for your morning and evening so that you are making most of the choices for his day. If you are mostly in charge, then he will be less likely to oppose your authority. Your calm consistency will teach that this response is not acceptable and will reap change.

What are some practical ways to get 1 – on – 1 time with each child when there are 3 children (under 5) in the house?

You need to be creative! Maybe have a ‘rotation hour’ where one child is in front of a DVD for 20 minutes, another strapped in the high chair for table time and one has 1 - on - 1 time with mum. Then you can swap them around. Doing this at the same time every day makes it predictable and expected for the children. If you have a timer or song to signal the end of each activity it will help each child learn what comes next! The other idea is to use nap time, room time or playpen time and outside play as the activities to rotate them through. It does take some planning but the benefits are greatly worth it.

I am trying to teach my six year old daughter to be a good friend. However some of her friends are not kind to her (e.g. saying unkind things to her). I need suggestions on how to be positive and helpful to her in choosing friends.

You are very wise to teach this skill early in her life, well before the teen years. Teaching her to practically speak the five love languages (quality time, encouraging words, physical touch, acts of service and gift giving) to her peers
Is the best way for her to learn to be a good friend. When another chooses to show unkindness you can use it as an opportunity to talk about her feelings and to encourage her not make others feel that way. Also use it as an opportunity to talk about the difference between showing kindness to that person (and all people) and the wisdom of having that person as a close friend (a few people).

My 6 year old son whines annoyingly when given an instruction he does not like. It grates on me and he is really unpleasant. What can I do to get him to control that?

Play the whining game. Have a cookie or sweet and have the child ask for it in a whiny voice (no cookie given) then in a pleasant voice (cookie given). Then swap roles – he can be the mummy and you be the child. If during the day, he whines, asks him to sit for a minute. When the timer goes off he can try again. Progressively move the timer up a minute each time. Be calm and consistent and very matter of fact, do not model whining by whining back at him. Teach verses on being cheerful or make up songs about being cheerful. Tell him he can whine as much as he likes to himself on his bed, he may join the family with his happy countenance.

What is the best way to start teaching self-control to my six year old?

A flexible routine is the best platform for building self-control on. Limiting most of the choices in his day is also important. Focus on one behaviour at a time. First time obedience is usually the first one to work on. A reward chart may be helpful for the first few weeks, but quickly wean him off this. Give one clear moral reason for each expected behaviour. Have him articulate this reason to you to avoid nagging or lecturing. Focus on teaching positive virtues (TERRIFIC TODDLER 2) into his heart. It will be a hard job to work on this now, but persevere, it would be much harder if he was seven, eight or even sixteen.

What are some age appropriate consequences for my 7 year old?

From age 5 and up we move away from chastisement and towards logical and related consequences for inappropriate behaviours. Generally they will include isolation and loss of freedoms. So if they chose to play in the wrong spot out in the yard (e.g. in the garden beds) they would lose the freedom to play outside. If the choose to not turn the computer off after their allocated hour, they would lose the freedom to play on the computer for the rest of the week. They chose to not speak kindly to a sibling, they will lose the freedom of visiting friends until they are characterized by kind words at home. Your responses teach your values.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Three

2009-08-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART THREE

I have a headstrong 3 year old boy. When he asks for something and the answer is ‘no’ he waits 2 seconds and asks again. What can I do to get him to accept ‘no’ graciously?

Talk through the expected behavoiur. Explain clearly that if he asks again, after receiving a ‘no’ then . . . . will happen. Have him verbalise back to you what will happen. Give him one very clear reason why he is not to ask again. Have him verbalise the reason. Revise this very briefly each morning or night. Role playing can help aid this understanding. Have a strong consequence for asking again. Maybe have a reward chart for NOT asking again. Have this only for the first few weeks, then wean him off it. Your calm consistency of following htroug EVERY time he asks again will change this behaviour.

How do you respond to the attitudes and questions without shutting the children down?

Tiny ones simply need to obey mum and dad because they are the adults. From age 3, we can start to give them simple reasons for the decisions we make. However we do not need to answer questions that are asked in a disrespectful or defiant manner. I would say “I will be happy to answer that question again later when you have a happy heart (or kind tone or smiley voice!)” Bedtimes are a great place to ask if they have any questions or concerns from the day. My older kids bring all sorts of queries and ideas to me and because we have a relationship we can discuss quite serious issues without condemnation.

Is there any truth in the idea that young boys i.e. 4 – 5 yr olds have a testosterone rush (growth) that may contribute to changes in their existing self-control and behaviour?

There is certainly a change in energy levels of boys this age. Being positive and proactive is best. Two long outside playtimes each day were the norm with lots of bats, balls, bikes, a trampoline, their own patch of dirt to dig and build in, blocks of wood and nails and the sand pit to keep them active. Also, if I noticed my boy was a little more energetic than usual then I would send him outside for an extra play time, (even in winter one was often rugged up in many layers to run around!) so the energy is used in a constructive way, rather than turning into ‘no’ behaviours in the house. Behaviour standards remain the same.

I’ve allowed my 4 yr old son to get a bit out of control with his attitude and self-control (as I had my second child) and I want to implement a lot of new things. Should I implement one thing at a time or just change everything at once?

Be kind to yourself! This happens to all of us sometimes. Both approaches are fine. The ‘one-thing-at-a-time’ approach can be great to keep mum and child on top of what the changes are. It can also result in lasting change as each one can become a habit before adding a new expectation. The ‘everything-at-once’ plan can be quite hard work at first, but then everything is back to ‘normal’ quite quickly. Also the children know that mum is on top of everything, so don’t get confused about where things at. My preference is for the second method, as I like to get everything back on track as soon as possible, but both ways are fine!

My 4.5 yr old boy has self-control issues in the area of stealing. Can you help with any ideas of how I can deal with this.

Lying and stealing are very serious issues as they break the trust in a relationship.
I would have my most serious layer of consequences for these behaviours. Chastisement, isolation and the paying back through work four times the value of the stolen objects needs to be enforced each time. Do not allow your child the opportunity to succeed in any future attempts. Remind him that his pockets and bags will be searched before leaving the friend’s house or pre-school. Return the items as soon as possible. Have him memorise verses on honesty. Have him verbalise the reason why we do not steal. You are wise to nip this habit in the bud.

How can I help my boys (age 4 and 6) with their co-operation and good attitudes towards each other?

Plan times for them to work on tasks together each day. For example, they may need to fold and put away the washing together, or clear the table and dry the dishes together, or both do a yard job for dad. If they are not co-operating, the task stops until they work it through together. Having a playtime afterwards can be an indirect incentive to complete the task in a timely manner. Have a together play time after dinner. If they chose not to play kindly, then they have an early bedtime. Teach them to speak the love languages to each other. Plan their day so they have together and apart play times as if they are together all day problems build.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part Two

2009-08-18T03:45:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART TWO

In group activities (e.g. kindermuzik) our 2 yr old refuses involvement, but enjoys going and shows interest while there, being choosey on what parts he will and will not participate in. Is this lack of discipline in our parenting, or his personality? What should we do?

Think through what you want your child to do before you go. Are you happy for him to mostly watch and gradually participate fully, or do you want to direct him to always participate fully ? Have you noticed a pattern? Does he prefer the individual or group parts? Noisy or quiet parts? Role play the expected behaviours with his bears or trucks each day. Keep this training time positive and short. Talk through the expected behaviour on the way to the event. Think through your consequences for non compliance. Will you remove him to another room, will he have to sit in his pram, or will you leave?

My daughter is very jealous of everyone’s attention taking me away. What do I do?

Plan her day to be balanced between time alone (independent play times such
as room time, outside play, reading time, DVD watching, or free play) and side by side time ( she is playing and you are doing your tasks in the same space ) and focus time (special one-to-one time where you give her your full attention and do a task together). This is the best framework to work on the jealousy. Also role play the expected behaviours when a visitor arrives. Give her a specific greeting and a specific task to move to after the greeting. Have a consistent consequence for interrupting such as isolation or loss of privilege. Be calm and consistent.

How do you deal with anger in a 2 ½ year old?

A flexible routine is the best framework for teaching basic self-control. Watch your child and deal with the little expressions of anger so they don’t explode into full tantrums. Can you notice a pattern? Calmly and consistently chastise then isolate for each outburst. Time your isolation AFTER the fussing has stopped. Start with 10 – 15 minutes each time, building up to 25 – 30 minutes for repeat offences. Role play the expected behaviour with her dolls and bears each day. Focus on using your everyday routine to teach the positive virtues of patience, obedience, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc to elevate the virtues you want in your child’s heart.

How do you explain to a 3 yr old that physically hurting their younger sibling won’t be tolerated. I have tried a number of consistent consequences to no avail.

I am assuming you have a flexible routine for each day that mostly keeps them apart except when you can supervise and model kind interactions. Also I assume you are teaching the practical ways to show love (5 love languages book by Gary Chapman). If you have been calm and consistent with no change, then it is time to increase the consequence. Double the chastisement and isolation time. Halve the direct interaction time e.g. two fifteen minute times together rather than two thirty minute times each day. Also double your positive teaching times. Keep persevering – your calm consistency is modeling that this is not acceptable in your home.

Having two at the same age, twin girls, the fighting is a problem and find that if one has one item the other wants it too! How can we control this severe resentment?

A fairly tight routine is the answer. Keeping them mostly apart each day means that their day is mostly positive. For example, having one outside, while you have the other for one-to-one time, then swap them over avoids the battles over outside toys. Or have them both sitting in a booster seat at either end of the table doing their own puzzle, or both having reading time on separate lounges, or one playing in the family room, and one in the bedroom then swapping over. Have two 30 minute times each day where you teach sharing (see TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 for a chapter on how to do this). Increase this as the sharing improves!

Self-control begins with the mum/parents. How do I exemplify this at home especially when the day runs awry with toddlers?

A flexible routine, that is unique to your home and your context, is the starting point. If the ‘twilight zone’ of the bath/dinner/bed routine always results in a parental meltdown, then make some adjustments. Are the children more settled with quiet play on their own just before dinner, or are they content with a quiet story DVD? Try something different for a week or two and see if it helps. Is it best to bath before or after dinner? Can the older ones be in bed quietly reading while you put the younger ones down? Try to evaluate the pressure points when you have a few moments alone, and adjust one part at a time.

Perth GEMs - July 09 - Part One

2009-08-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

PERTH GEMS - JULY 09 - PART ONE

2 Peter 1: 3-8

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For, if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

These were the questions that were asked during the meetings in Perth. If you would like to provide more details of your question, then I can give you a more personal answer.

What happens when the babies/toddlers are sick?

You cuddle them, give them extra attention and love them!
You will give extra grace to moaning and fussing as they are in pain or discomfort,
and not just whining to get their own way. You may well have a whole day on the
lounge with DVD’s, or the same toys all day, or with books, whatever keeps them calm and quiet. You can chose to gradually move back into your usual routine, or slowly build back up, depending on your personal preference. As someone once told me, when they are well enough to misbehave, they are well enough to have a consequence!

How do you deal with a 10 month old baby screaming, throwing small tantrums and doing things she knows is wrong?

Say “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice” (or similar, use the same phrase every time)
and isolate to a cot, porta-cot or playpen (totally out of sight of you).
Time your isolation (say 5 – 10 minutes) from AFTER the fussing has stopped.
When you reenter say “Good girl for having a happy face” (or similar, use the same phrase every time) and move on with your day.
Your calm consistency will reap change, prevent the tantrums from escalating to full-blown out of control performances and lay a great foundation for self-control in the toddler years!

What do I do about my 20 month old hitting or biting my 7 month old?

Firstly, plan your day so they are only together when you can closely supervise them. The rest of the day they can be together, but not physically able to reach other. Examples include both watching a dvd with the younger one securely in a highchair, having table time at opposite ends of the table, one in outside play, the other one-on-one time with mum, both playing in separate rooms at the same time.
When you do have them together, maybe twice a day for 20 – 30 minutes at first, teach them how to share, take turns, and touch each other nicely. This keeps the day mostly positive and is a great basis for their friendship.

What should a toddler’s day look like?

A sample schedule:

Breakfast
Room play
DVD time
Mummy time
Table time
Outside play
Lunch
Nap
DVD time
Outside play
Chores
Bath
Quiet free play or room play
Dinner
Family time
Bed ritual

Check out TERRIFIC TODDLERS for other ideas of WHAT
to put in along with the WHY of each activity.

What consequences do you use when toddlers come out of room time?

Firstly check that you have the best time of the day. Straight after breakfast seems to work well. Also ensure you have just a few toys (3 – 4 at most) that are reserved for room time. Music is also a great help, especially if room time always ends with the same song. A visual cue of the boundary, e.g. a cushion at the door can be helpful too. Start with small increments of time, say 5 or 10 minutes and praise lots for compliance. Having focus time just after room time is also helpful, as after a few days the toddler will realize that special mummy time comes soon. Gentle verbal encouragement and your calm consistency will reap fruit in a few weeks.

What do you think of occasional but regular daycare?

Being home with mum provides the best care for a child for loving and learning.
The joy of being with a child almost every day is so precious and a cherished memory. However this is not always feasible. A day or two with other children may be beneficial for an only child and may provide a needed break for mum, especially if she has other commitments, e.g. looking after an elderly parent or working. Also, a day or two a week in the year before attending school can help with that huge transition. Finding a centre that has a adult directed, structured day, and with a low carer-to-child ratio is best.

mamma fraZZle

2009-07-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Check out this blog by a wonderful lady.

It will give you lots of food for thought
on a range of topics
and a lovely insight into the life of being a mum to 7.

mammafrazzle.com.au

Enjoy!

Yaaaaaawwwn

2009-07-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

Sleep.

I love a good, quiet, long night's sleep.

Give your kids a wonderful life long gift - sleep.

Teach them to fall asleep by themselves (no sleep props)
and teach them how to stay asleep.
Think long term - a little hard work in the early months
will reap fruit for many years to come.

Also, your toddler, tween and teen will be much less grumpy and much more happy!

eXtra eXtras

2009-07-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

Some days were pretty quiet at home.
My little ones would be happily playing,
and very occassionally,
the house work would be totally up to date.

At those times, it was fun to plan something extra for the day.
A spontaneous trip to the park.
Walking to the shops just to buy a treat.
A game of hide n seek.
Having a party for bear or doll with real food.

The extra extras that become lovely memory makers.

Winning Winners

2009-06-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to

Tegan of WA who won the MY DAY pack and
Jennifer of NSW who won the MY WEEK pack.

Thankyou to LITTLE BILLIES for offering these prizes.

Do visit www.littlebillies.net

for some wonderful
practical and positive
parenting resources!

Various Vacations

2009-06-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

Vacations with toddlers can be interesting!

One of our little ones was very prone to car sickness and so we stopped a lot on the road which made for very slow trips! At least we stoppped - one friend has memories of her self and two siblings, and the family dog, all throwing up in the same bucket as dad would drive non stop to the destination!

Sharing with other families can also be tricky when you have little ones. We found that beach holidays, with friends in their own cabins nearby worked best. No getting in and out of cars, or tight schedules, just lazy days on the beach for the kids to explore and play. Each family had the freedom to come and go as they pleased which worked best. Fun games and talking nights for the adults once the little ones were down for the night are great memories. I love summer holidays!

Usual Usual

2009-05-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

So much of every day life is usual.

The same usual usual.
Every mum, even those who absolutely adore being a mum,
have moments of angst.

View this video at

http://www.deathisnotdying.com/

on Rachel Barkey and be moved and inspired.

And appreciate the usual usual.

Toddling Toddlers

2009-05-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

Watching our new little toddlers 'toddle' about is such fun.
They wobble and sway but are just soo intent on exploring.

Outside discovery is so lovely, they touch (and sometimes taste!)
the leaves and flowers, the grass, sand and dirt.
They will be transfixed by a worm, snail, butterfly, dog, cat or bird.
All the little every day things we take for granted will hold their atttention.

Even a walk up and down the street opens up their world
to new sights, sounds and smells.

Enjoy this special time with your toddlers!

Sanity Savers

2009-04-27T02:22:00.000-07:00

Parenting in the toddler years is hard work!

Yes, being mostly positive and proactive parents, rather than negative and reactive ones, is more pleasant for toddler and mum, but both approaches are still hard work!

Do ensure you have time for yourself each day - a time to read, sew, chat to a friend, exercise or relax. Think creativley - even 20 minutes a day will help add balance to your day.

Also think about how you can get a morning or evening to yourself each week. Having a fun spot to look forward to each week can really help in those difficult moments. Maybe swap time with a friend so you each get a break, or take turns with your spouse.

Fun spots each day and each week can certainly be sanity savers during this intense season of parenting.

# # # COMPETITION # # #

2009-04-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

For your chance to win one of two new products from

www.littlebillies.net

MY DAY or MY WEEK

email me a creative and inexpensive idea for family fun with toddlers.

mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au

The best two answers will receive one product each.

Winners will be announced in the first week of JUNE 2009.

Right Reactions

2009-03-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

How do you want your toddler to respond in tricky situations?

Training our children in right reactions takes deliberate focus and patience. We cannot give parenting a few rushed moments here or there in our day, intentional mothering requires time, lots of time.

Our children need to learn to rightly respond to fear (the thunder, new situations, strange people, animals) to joy (the gift received, the promised treat, the holiday, visitors) sadness (illness, injury, wounded feelings) frustration (toys not fitting right, the missing puzzle piece, time to leave the park, waiting in the supermarket) and so on and so on.

We need to model the right responses, role play, teach the why, encourage, practice, praise the efforts and correct the inapproriate choices.

Slowly, oh so slowly, they will learn to demonstrate right reactions based on self-control and kindness to others. Joy!

Questions Questions

2009-03-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

WOLLONGONG GEMS FEBRUARY 2009 – QUESTION and ANSWER NIGHT

Hello Ladies! These answers assume you have read TERRIFIC TODDLERS (ideas for planning your day and teaching self-control – the base virtue for parenting) and TERRIFIC TODDLERS 2 (practical ways to teach virtues such as obedience, patience, kindness, cheerfulness, helpfulness etc). Also, they are a brief starting point for dealing with the issue raised, each one could have had a two page answer and my two finger typing speed is just not up to that!! Please feel free to email me with any additional questions or clarifications. mel@terrifictoddlers.com.au

“Parents who follow Christ’s example do not correct without the Gospel of grace as part of the message. They do not admonish without pointing to the reality of the love of Christ. They see every instance of trouble, failure, and sin as another opportunity to teach their teenager to cast himself on Christ. They never call wrong, right, but they always deal with wrong in a way that depicts the glorious realities of the Gospel. And they never try to do with the power of their words or the gravity of the discipline what only Christ can do as he enters a teen’s heart by His grace. The pre-eminent theme of their home will not be their disappointment and their anger at their teenager’s failure. The pre-eminent theme will be Christ. He will dominate the times of failure as Forgiver and Deliverer, and he will dominate the times of obedience as the Guide and Strength. In each experience he will be sought and he will be given glory. Teenagers who live in homes like this will be regularly surprised at the love of their parents and the grace of Christ who has chosen them to live in a family where the redeeming love of Christ reigns supreme.”

Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, page 195, Paul David Tripp

My son seems to love doing the opposite of what I ask him to do. He thinks everything is a game. What can I do? My son is age 3.

Use a very different voice for your instructions. A deep, firm voice will show you are serious. Have a calm and consistent IMMEDIATE consequence EVERY time he does the opposite and he will be motivated to obey.

How do I get my boys to do chores without complaining or whinging?

Be calm and consistent. Have a regular chore time every day as part of a daily schedule. If your whole day is structured, then the acceptance of your authority in chores time is easier. Make it a race – time the boys and record their times – 10 seconds off for everything being done right the first time!

How do you get a child to eat faster? Almost 3, and no dessert doesn’t work!

Use a timer!
Set it for 20 minutes the first week, and simply remove the food when the timer goes off. Then move it to 15 minutes the next week, then 10 minutes. If you are serving three reasonably sized meals each day, with only water in between, the child will be motivated to eat in the allocated time. Also, do ensure there are no major distractions during meal times e.g. TV, radio or lots of other people milling about.

My 3 yr old is very good on his own, but different naughty things with friends. All different so how can the consequence for varied things be determined and punished?

Be pro-active and set very clear guidelines for the play time beforehand. Have a general plan and closely monitor each activity. Isolation can be the immediate consequence and missing a ‘play date’ or two can be the logical consequence.

What are the first steps to take when training a ‘bossy’ 7 yr old to want to play with her happy, friendly 4 yr old sister?

Teach her the five love languages (by Gary Chapman) so she has practical ways to show love to her sibling. Also, limit the time they spend together so that their together time can be positive and enjoyable for both of them. Reserve a few activities, or toys just for together time to make it more appealing. Continue to teach verses about kindness etc – it does sink in EVENTUALLY!!

What do you do for outright defiance in a 5 yr old?

Have a calm and consistent consequence every time. We only chastised for deliberate disobedience and safety issues. Combine this with isolation and a logical consequence that relates to the offence.

Training in non-conflict times is 99% more effective than training in the moment. Focus on teaching the virtue of obedience and verbally role playing expected behaviours and responses.
How do you advise your kids to stop other kids from bullying them at school, without they themselves getting in trouble (e.g. from hitting them?)

Give them a phrase to say e.g. “No thanks” or “Please Stop”.
Give them a specific action to take e.g. Walk away or go and get a drink from the bubblers.

To be proactive, talk though with your child how to play in a safe place e.g. near a teacher in the middle of the playground, or in the library. Also, talk through how to show love to the bully, just as Jesus would. My 5 year old would take a muffin or cookie for his ‘friend’ each day. We also prayed for the boy each day. Discussing why he/she behaves likes this is also a wonderful teaching time, and helps your child appreciate kindness.

I have a 7 year old daughter, the oldest of my four children. I am finding it difficult to teach her kindness/compassion with her siblings. Any tips?

Ensure she has set chores each day to show love to her siblings e.g. putting away their clean clothes, wiping down the bathroom sink so they have a clean place to brush their teeth etc so she is thinking of others and not herself.
Teach her the five love languages (by Gary Chapman) and have her practically ‘speak’ each language to her siblings.

Every time she deliberately chooses to show unkindness have her write in a “LIFE LESSON BOOK” (blank A4 book form discount store). Have her answer these same 4 questions each time -
“What did you do wrong?”
“Why is it wrong?”
“What will you do to make it right?”
“What will you do next time?”

She would lose the freedom to play with friends until she is characterised by choosing to show kindness to her siblings. Continue to teach her WHY kindness is important. This is a long process but your calm consistency will reap fruit.

My 15 month old thinks “come to mummy’ means start laughing and run in the other direction.

Use a very different voice for your instructions. Make it quite firm, deep and serious. This makes it very clear this is not a play suggestion, but a parental directive. If they choose to disobey, immediately pick up your child with an “Oh dear, that’s a bad choice,” or similar (same phrase each time, and place them in the cot, porta-cot or playpen. Isolate for 10 – 15 minutes. Your calm consistency will reap obedience.

What if your toddler is naughty when they are sick? How harsh can you be?

Be extra loving and gentle when they are ill with lots of cuddles, stories, TV time and naps. When they are well enough to choose to be disobedient, they are well enough to have a consequence. For those transition days (not really sick but not quite healthy) we would simply implement an early or extra nap time, or play time alone as a consequence to avoid further issues.

How do you deal with quick (bad) tempered children?

In non-conflict times, role-play the expected response.
If they feel cross,
Give them something physical to do e.g. hands together, walk to a teacher, and sit on your bed.
Give them something verbal to say e.g. “I am feeling quite cross now” or “I need some time out.”
Give them something positive to think e.g. a relevant bible verse or short phrase.

Also don’t under-estimate your self-control training in all areas. The basis of self-control will help enormously in this particular battle.
In the moment of conflict have a non-verbal signal to remind child what to do.

Have a consequence afterwards. Either praise or encouragement for progress or a calm and consistent consequence for a wrong choice.
This may be a life long struggle for your child (as it is for many adults!). Ultimately we need to point them to God as their help in this.

How do you get 2 and 4 yr old back into evening sleep routines after having relatives stay for 2 months?

You can ease them back into your expected routine or you can go ‘cold-turkey’
And expect the old standard immediately. This second approach is kinder to the child as it is back to the same standard (not a varying standard each night) and reaps far quicker results. Simply explain to them that we are going back to our family standard tonight, and outlined the consequence for non-compliance. A week or two should see everyone back on track again.

6 year old girl with a bad attitude e.g. wilful disobedience, nastiness to brother (younger sibling). How to deal with self-centredness if your child doesn’t naturally care about their friends and are consumed with their own needs.

All children are born beautiful, but selfish. We all naturally care for ourselves most. Only with God’s help, can we choose to show kindness to others. We need to first show our children the absolute value of kindness. It is not optional, it is what we expect. We teach our younger ones through calm and consistent consequence – praise and rewards for a good choice, correction and punishments for bad choices. However, we are not just focused on behaviour. From age 3 we need to teach the WHY behind what we do, so our children can grow into adults who choose to do the right things for the right reasons. We also need to provide the training in the basis of self-control so they are able to consistently live this out.
A tight routine is the place to start. Then focus on obedience. Have an immediate, meaningful consequence for disobedience. EVERY time. Be firm, be consistent and be relentless. This attitude needs to be dealt with now, before the pre-teen years.
Time with siblings needs to be sparse, and fully supervised. Social time with peers needs to be suspended until kindness can be shown in the home. Chores are crucial – the child needs to be giving to others in the family in a practical daily form. Also ensure one-on-one time happens each day. Even 10 minutes of uninterrupted positive interaction will fill your child’s love needs. Your calm consistency will reap fruit.

How to respond to kids who joke with their friends, without checking if friend knows how to take it.

Much nastiness is disguised in joke form. Forbid joking for a time. The child only has the freedom to say positive and kind things to his friends. Use the life lesson book process (in previous question above – somewhere!) for EVERY offence. Focus on the child’s heart – explore why he is choosing to show unkindness in this manner.

Can you talk a bit about boundaries with things like mobile phones, music, talking on the phone etc for teenagers.

Each family will be different, and each child will be different. Our almost 16 year old has a mobile and he pays for his own credit – hence very limited use!! Our 14 year old does not – mostly because of the lack of funds to pay for one, but also we are not sure the freedom to own one would be honoured.

Music is powerful – you can’t deny this. Chat to your teen about the lyrics and power of music. Set clear boundaries for your family. For us the music can not be heard out of the room (I do not enjoy some of the modern ‘music’!!) to be kind to other’s ears and there is very limited time each week to listen (idleness is to be avoided).

Face book is limited to one hour each Saturday. Chores, sports and homework fill up the school week anyway. Phone conversations are limited to a reasonable time (20 mins max) as there are other things to do and family to be with.

Random surfing of the net is discouraged. Again, idleness can, and does, lead to sin so a specific purpose needs to be stated before using the computer. Game time is limited to one hour on Saturday (for our younger one who does not have Face book).

Give your teen the reasons why you have your boundaries, and focus on the heart issues. Viewing these issues in light of eternity can put them in perspective!!

Peer pressure (for teens)?

It is real, and very powerful. Start talking about it with your pre-teens. A strong relationship between you and your teen, and your teen and their siblings, will greatly dilute the power of peer pressure. Talk through all decisions – rarely just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. These discussions are great opportunities to explore the moral reasons behind each decision, and hence modelling decision-making processes for your teen to imitate. Encourage good friendships by having your home available for their get togethers. Pray without ceasing!
How do I stop my 4 yr old boy from stealing little treasures from his friends home/pre-school?

Talk about this behaviour on your way there. Check the pockets before you leave. Have an immediate and meaningful consequence as soon as you get home, EVERY time. Have your child work for restitution. If it is a deliberate act of theft, we had our children pay back four times the value. This came in the form of chores to earn the money to pay it back. Talk through the feelings of the other person (sad and happy are fine for this age!). Closely supervise or temporarily suspend visits to friend’s houses until you feel you are on top of this a bit more.

Tell us a bit about how boys and girls are different and whether your parenting differs for this.

They are very different! The virtues goals were the same (love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) but the way I got there was very different! My boys were allowed to be boys – to be loud and busy and get dirty (outside in the yard only!) and to explore and take risks with bike jumps and tree houses etc. However they still desperately needed to learn self-control in their all day every activities as well.

How to deal with pre-teen defiance? Discipline strategies for attitude of pre-teens?

Calmly and consistently. Have consequences for attitude and defiance, not lecture. Loss of freedoms is the most powerful and meaningful result. Examples include loss of TV viewing, computer time, choice of extra clothing items, decrease chores money, limited social interactions with peers, earlier bedtime, increased chores to decrease free time.

What happens when your child (20 months) doesn’t respond to consequences?

The best consequence for this age group, for deliberate disobedience, is two firm swats on the upper thigh with 20 – 30 minutes of isolation. Time your isolation from the time they stop fussing. This, in the context of a fairly tight routine where mum is making all the choices will be effective. Use logical consequences for most other behaviours in the day (examples in book 2) if you are not seeing improvement in two to three weeks, then email me and we can chat about the routine and additional strategies.

Any encouraging words for women with post-natal depression?

Please seek medical help and advice to manage this situation. Accept any and all offers of help from friends and family and have a fun time out planned for you each week.

How do we incorporate all our children (big age group) in family life/activities?

The beach is great – the younger ones can play in the sand and on the edge while the older ones can surf. The park is another favourite – little ones can enjoy the playground while the older ones can play cricket or football. Old classic movies can be great for the whole family too – despite the initial protests of the older ones. We have also found the meals out together work well. Tennis has been a favourite too – the younger one playing on an adjacent court or playground while the older ones play a game. For table time in holidays we would be together for an hour each morning – just with different activities e.g. the older one composing a poster to represent a verse or psalm while the younger one colouring in a picture on it.
Also, it is important for the older ones to sometimes play the game the younger ones choose and vice versa to promote family unity.

What to do with tantrums in the supermarket?

Leave. Never give in to what they have ‘performed’ for. Go home and give an immediate and firm consequence. Read book one for ideas on how to implement a positive and pro-active routine to teach self-control, rather than deal with the fruits of a lack of self-control. Role-play the expected behaviour. Think through the time you go – best when the child is well fed and well rested.

Bedtime issues - how to get them to stay in bed and go to sleep?

Bedtime success is rooted in day time routine. If mum is gently in charge of the whole day – where and when the child is playing – then the children are much more likely to accept authority at night. If your child is characterised by obedience and self-control (both outlined in my books) during the day, then this obedience will help them obey you by going to bed, and the self-control will help them stay there. Also, have a ritual every night (e.g. an order of quiet play after dinner, bath, reading, prayers, and lights out).

How do I stop my child from temper tantrums – I have sent him to his room, I have spanked, I have time out, I have rewarded bad behaviour, ignored it? Will it EVER pass?

In my books I talk about parenting at first base. That is, focusing on all the little displays of self-ruling and self-pleasing behaviour, BEFORE they reach the home base! Dealing with the little expressions of disapproval, e.g. fussing, body language, grumpy face, calmly and consistently will reap fruit. An age-appropriate flexible routine for your day will minimise most of the ‘no’s and most of the choices. After the first week or so of adjustment, you will have a much calmer day. Is there are pattern to the tantrums? Are they always near nap or bedtime? Then pop into bed half an hour earlier. Are they always with siblings? Then limit the time he has with them and closely supervise their play. Are they over certain toys? Maybe pop them away and try them later when he is developmentally ready. Does he tantrum at meal times? Simple isolate twice, then move on with your day. Training in self-control is the positive and pro-active way to deal with tantrums - focusing your energy into teaching virtues of patience, obedience and kindness, rather than putting energy into dealing with their lack of self-control through tantrums and other negative behaviours.

My eldest is 4.5yrs old and loves to pretend to tell stories. I think it is lying and she does not quite understand it. When should I expect her to understand what she is doing?

Talk this through in non-conflict times. Start with a sentence “this is just pretend” or similar. Then tell a wonderfully creative story! Explain that this is how she must start her ‘stories’ so everyone knows it is just pretend. If she chooses not to start a pretend story with this – there will be a consequence (tell her your specific one.) By modelling the difference, you will help her through this developmental transition phase. Encourage her creativity by writing down her stories, but encourage her integrity by insisting on honesty, which is the basis of trust for all relationships.

My 4.5 yr old insists on answering back. What do I do? Do I keep insisting on punishment? What sort of punishment fits the crime?

In a time of non-conflict role play EXACTLY what you expect. For example, he may reply with a ‘Yes, mum” and nothing else! Explain what will happen for compliance (maybe a reward chart just for a few weeks to start this right behaviour) and non-compliance (your choice). Also give the reason why you expect this behaviour (one sentence – not a lecture!). Have your child repeat the consequences and reason back to you as verbalising the standard helps them accept the standard – eventually! A few suggestions re your response include – having the child sit for 10, 15, 20 then 30 minutes (increasing the time every few days) until the timer goes off and you will then repeat the instruction. Or having a time of isolation, as they have lost the freedom to speak, since they have chosen not to speak kindly to you. Or completing a practical act of kindness (chore) when they are calm to make up for not speaking kindly. Or maybe an early bedtime to think about being kind and obedient. Loss of freedom that would be meaningful to your particular child (e.g. no TV, or computer games, or social privileges, or special treat) until they are characterised by obedience and kind words)

My neighbours 2.5 year old climbs out of his cot when placed in there for isolation. What should my neighbour do?

Your neighbour could check her routine and make sure she is in charge of her whole day – no gaps and no choice time for the 2.5 yr old. The neighbour can also role play the expected behaviour with bears or trucks, clearly showing the consequences for each choice. She can also play obedience games and implement self-control training into every part of her day. Also, the neighbour needs to hover just outside the door and chastise when the child raises his leg to get out – cutting down any pleasure of ‘escape’. Removal to a high chair or pram (strapped in safely of course!) after the second ‘escape’ attempt can avoid a power struggle. Do assure your neighbour that her calm consistency will reap much fruit.

Perfect Perfectionism???

2009-02-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

Perfectionism has a beautiful place in this world - in the arts, sports, music, crafts, dance.

However it is extremely damaging in relationships.

Expecting perfection in ourselves as parents, or in our children,
or in any relationship is unrealistic and harmful.

Real life and real people are filled with faults. Acknowledging, accepting, forgiving and even (sometimes!) enjoying these moments is crucial for today, and for modelling to our children how to cope with the real world of study, work and relationships in adulthood.

Enjoy the beauty of ballet, that unbelievable soccer goal or magnificent musical piece,
and the imperfection of people.

Overall Objective

2009-02-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

My Emily has just had her first book completed.

It is a great achievement for a 13 year old. Sure I'm proud of her.

However if she wrote 100 books in her lifetime,
yet did not love and care for her God and for others,
I would feel quite sad.

Sure I want my children to do their best at school, sports,
music, drama, public speaking and so on.

Mostly, my overall objective is for their character,
their heart, to be the best it can be.

Naturally Naughty

2009-01-31T00:20:00.000-08:00

Every toddler is born beautiful (or handsome!) and each is so special.

Delightful moments of laughter, silly games, funny sayings and poignant memories characterise their life. The daily hard work is punctuated with incredible feelings of love, joy and thankfulness.

Yet, as parents we have a job to do. Despite the gorgeous personality, the character needs some work. The desire to be self-pleasing and self-ruling is naturally evident in each little life. A parent needs to gently and consistently model right from wrong, virtues, habits and life philosophy.

The naturally naughty can be guided towards mostly naturally nice!

Magnificent Mud

2009-01-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

Do let your boys be boys.

Playing in the mud, driving bikes through a mud puddle, playing cars and trucks in it, and of course making mud pies is wonderful fun for messy toddler boys!

Yes, they are experiencing the sensaation of oozy, wet mud, but mostly they are simply enjoying playing.

Pop them outside in an old set of clothes, then strip them down in the laundry when they are done and pop them in a lovely warm bath.

It will be the highlight of their day!

Legacy Leaving

2008-12-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

Two really special people left my school this last week.
Although it was quite hard to see them go,
both are moving on to wonderful new adventures.
So I was sad for me but happy for them.

Each had contributed so much to the school, and to my life.
I feel quite blessed to have spent this time together.

However, it made me think about what legacy I am leaving.
In my work, my family, my friends.
We are all leaving something.
I guess I desire to more intentionally
leave a worthy eternal legacy.
Through my students, my friends, my speaking, my writing, and my children.

Kip Kindness

2008-12-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

When Sam was born, Emily and Caleb were initially a little upset when he cried.
so I explained to them that Sam didn't have any words yet, so he 'spoke' by crying.

When Sam was hungry, he would 'say' that he was ready to be fed. When Sam was wanting some company he would 'ask' for some attention, and company was rewarded with a beaming smile.
When Sam had a wet or smelly nappy, he would 'say' that he was uncomfortable. (Emily was especially quick to interpret this 'speech'!) When Sam was tired, we popped him in his cot and allowed him to learn how to fall asleep by himself, and stay asleep for a full nap. Em and Caleb happily saw that we kindly responded to Sam's needs in a timely and consistent fashion.

Likewise for my precious toddlers. I perservered through training them each to have an afternoon nap or quiet time. This was ultimately the kindest action. A tired toddler is an unhappy toddler, usually with a grumpy mum too. A well rested toddler is a happy one!

Jot Jottings

2008-11-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

It is fun to keep a record of the humourous and delightful sayings of your precious little one.

In the hectic pace of this season, it is easy to let this slide.
I kept their blue baby book (communinty health record book)
in a drawer near the dining table. Here it was quick and easy
to jot down a hilarious saying or priceless moment.

These moments would take a mere minute to write down,
but thesoe little jottings are so valued now.
Although we do all hope to keep our memories and mind
intact for many years, it is nice to have a written reminder!!

Insistent Interrupting

2008-11-12T00:51:00.000-08:00

A toddler does not need to say
"mummy, mummy, MUMMY!" when they want your attention.

A toddler can be taught to interrupt quietly,
with their lips closed,
and one hand on your arm or leg.

They can be taught to wait quietly until you look at their eyes
and give them your full attention.
This teaches them patience and
respect for the person mummy is speaking to (in person or on the phone).

Practice this in the form of a role playing game,
keeping it short, light and fun.
Your toddler will catch on in a few weeks.
Making life more pleasant for all!!

Happy Hearts

2008-10-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

What is the best way to teach and train a toddler's heart?

The calmest, kindest, most effective manner seems to be within the context of a flexible routine.

A fairly predictable day means less 'no' for mum and child and tangible progress can be made.

Happy Hearts can be developed through the teaching of the virtues of kindness, goodness, gentleness, cheeerfulness, helpfulness, quietness, obedience and self-control.

Bit by bit, all day, every day, using each ordinary every day activity as a teaching opportunity.

A Happy Heart makes for a happy toddler!!

Grand Goals

2008-10-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Can you articulate your parenting goal?

Do you know what you are hoping to achieve after 18 odd years of parenting?

I can pretty much sum up my heart desires for my children in a few sentences.
The list is not too long when you focus on the crucuial bits.

What are you doing in this season of your parenting towards you goal?
This month? This week? This day?

We need to know where we are going.
We also need to know how we are going to get there.

Everyday Eternity

2008-09-27T02:27:00.000-07:00

What lasts for eternity?

What can I do today that will last for eternity?

Throughout the endless cycle of meals, messes,
maladies and mischief, in my toddler's day,
I can look toward eternity.
To focus my thoughts and energies on the things that truely matter.

I can use this day to teach my toddler a little more kindness,
a little more patience, a little more gentleness.

And not sweat on the temporary small stuff.

Digging Dirt

2008-09-26T02:02:00.000-07:00

Toddlers love to potter outside.
My boys in particular loved to dig in the dirt.

Some friends were very organised and had little
gardens of vegies and flowers for their children.

We just had dirt!!

It was their little patch to dig and create as they wished.
To dig roads and tunnels for cars.
To dig dirt for Wombat Stew.
For making mud pies and mud cakes and mud dinners.
To bury treasures.
To create moonscapes.

To imagine and to play.
Just as little boys should.

Calm Consistency

2008-08-30T03:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I had no idea what to do.

I knew I had to do something, but didn't know exactly what.

Sometimes, later, I decided that I had chosen the wrong path.

That was okay, I would try something else next time.

Responding calmly was 'how' I would consistently do the 'what'.
To model self-control to my child. To model gentleness.
To demonstrate my love.

Calm consistency reaps peaceful fruit. Eventually.

Angry Anger

2008-08-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

Where do you sit on the whole 'expresing emotions' spectrum?

Should toddlers be encouraged to express their feelings and frustrations to
enhance their individuality and honesty?

Should toddlers be encouraged to show restraint in regard to negative
emotions to suppress these undesirable urges?

Which path is a stepping stone to future socially acceptable behaviour?

For me?
My toddlers were welcome to be as grumpy as they liked.
Sitting on their bed.

A happy face and a cheerful spirit were welcome in all other parts of the house.
Worked amazingly well.

Yucky Yelling

2008-07-31T02:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had anyone really, really yell at you?

How did you feel? I just want to run away and hide.

One of the things that most saddens my heart is seeing toddlers being yelled at.
When I witness this, often in the supermarket, I long to take mum and toddler home
and love them both for a week. Both are so unhappy in that moment.

To show and model a way that trains with gentleness,
patience,
grace and love.

To help mums enjoy their children, as well as to love them.

Unique Uniqueness

2008-07-31T02:21:00.000-07:00

My child is different.

Of course!

Each child is unique.

Hence the method, timeframe and challenges will be individual.

The goal is the same.

All children need self-control.

Then they can be taught cheerfulness, helpfulness, obedience, diligence, contentment . . . . . . . . . .